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Original poster

Sexless marriages - what have you tried?

74 replies

Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 06:42

Can a sexless marriage recover? Has anyone managed it?

sexless is defined as 4-6 times a year. It’s not totally sexless but when I do it, it’s because I feel obliged as we have left it long.

a little overview:

  • he doesn’t put pressure on me
  • sex is every 8-10weeks
  • we have one 6 year old and not much overnight childcare
  • not slept in same bed insane son was born
  • even when we have sex we don’t kiss
  • we don’t argue and we do get along
  • we have tried open relationship (both sleep with others)
  • we are both quite body confident/gym alot
  • we are mid/late 30s so too young for this!
  • sex therapy for a while but money/time is tough!

i just have zero interest in sex with him, he feels more like my (lovely) older brother!

I am a on the verge of giving up quite honestly. Im struggling to even look at
him as I feel so guilty about all of this. Has anyone recovered from this?

OP posts:
Rania78 · 29/02/2024 06:50

Do you have desire for other men though?

swayingpalmtree · 29/02/2024 06:51

Personally, I don't think a relationship can work where one person wants sex and the other one never does. They can work if you're both on board with it but if one isnt then you have kind of changed the goal posts of the relationship without agreeing to it. Now, I am not saying anyone is "owed" sex but it is normal to expect that sex will be a part of a healthy relationship. I like sex not only due to the physical feeling but its also about intimacy and closeness.

There might be times when you don't want to eg tired, young kids etc but if you see him as a "brother" then I don't think there is any coming back from that, sorry.

Is it just him? do you feel desire for others?

Original poster
Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 06:59

To add - I definitely do feel desire for sex and other men. I don’t think it’s my sex drive.

OP posts:
DixonD · 29/02/2024 07:02

Well then it’s obvious isn’t it? You just don’t fancy him anymore. I don’t think you can force something like that.

swayingpalmtree · 29/02/2024 07:05

You feel desire for others? then it sounds like this isnt going to work.

You both need to have a serious chat about this. What happens when/if you meet someone who you do feel a huge desire for?- that could easily develop into an affair. If I was you I think I'd split- this isnt going to end well for either of you if you carry on like this. It could end up in a really horrible, messy situation where everyone gets hurt.

HenndigoOZ · 29/02/2024 07:05

Go away together and get the 6 year old babysat? Go to a show, nice restaurants and stay in a hotel for the weekend.

Secondstart1001 · 29/02/2024 07:32

How did it feel sleeping with someone else ( if you have already done so)? Like @swayingpalmtree said, when you find someone you do desire or your DH desires then it will be the start of an affair. You might want to stay together for financial reasons or save the family unit but I feel this opens a can of worms for the future.
do you know why you don’t desire him? you say you don’t kiss during sex, does he try or are you both that disconnected? You are both quite young and I’m 46 and sex is very important to me and relationship with DP and we still manage 3-4 times a week.

Original poster
Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 07:41

I wouldn’t start an affair, I feel confident in that. At the moment anyway! Im Not sure how people have time and deal with the guilt haha. ‘Open’ is that we both don’t mind what each other do and I chose people I specifically know I wouldn’t fall for ie younger and not looking for anything serious

OP posts:
swayingpalmtree · 29/02/2024 07:43

Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 07:41

I wouldn’t start an affair, I feel confident in that. At the moment anyway! Im Not sure how people have time and deal with the guilt haha. ‘Open’ is that we both don’t mind what each other do and I chose people I specifically know I wouldn’t fall for ie younger and not looking for anything serious

Ah ok. So you're both ok with this solution?

Then I'm curious if this is working for you why you feel so conflicted about this? Might be worth having a think about it.

Original poster
Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 08:01

well Not really as I do want a sexual relationship with my husband. Other people don’t come into it regularly I only mentioned it as I thought someone might suggest trying that. I know it works for some

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 29/02/2024 08:06

Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 07:41

I wouldn’t start an affair, I feel confident in that. At the moment anyway! Im Not sure how people have time and deal with the guilt haha. ‘Open’ is that we both don’t mind what each other do and I chose people I specifically know I wouldn’t fall for ie younger and not looking for anything serious

You can only control your actions and feelings..but not your DH’s. So what I’m saying is there is nothing to stop him developing feelings for someone that might cause the end of the marriage. Does he still have desire for you or are you both the same?

I think your title is misleading as sounds like you are both getting sex but not each other!

I do hope it works out for you both x

Secondstart1001 · 29/02/2024 08:52

Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 08:01

well Not really as I do want a sexual relationship with my husband. Other people don’t come into it regularly I only mentioned it as I thought someone might suggest trying that. I know it works for some

@Mothersmith89 it sounds like you do want sex with your husband and not anyone else but you have both lost your way. I think allowing each other to sleep with other people is not addressing a pretty much sexless marriage and the real issue . One thing I would say is start sleeping in the same bed again, try and cuddle and connect, kiss before bed. Have sex .. Even if you think you are not in mood as you may get into it as you go along. Schedule sex once a week.., I have found that sometimes the more sex you have, the more you want. These things can only work if there is love and I think affection is the lead up to sex. Myself and DP will touch each other all day whether it’s a cheeky squeeze of each others bums, a leg squeeze or stroke or just a playful kiss. I find the more tactile we are in the day, it’s like a build up to amazing sex later at night and then the following morning. Sorry if that’s tmi 😅

jsku · 29/02/2024 08:56

OP - i think not sharing a bed is not helping
you two to feel close and see each other as
sexual beings/partners.
Also - what happened with kissing?
Why did that stop?

In general - you must have been attracted to each other at some point - what changed? Maybe getting to the root of it all will help sort it now?

swayingpalmtree · 29/02/2024 08:56

Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 08:01

well Not really as I do want a sexual relationship with my husband. Other people don’t come into it regularly I only mentioned it as I thought someone might suggest trying that. I know it works for some

But if you have absolutely no sexual desire for him, how is that going to happen?

Look, you have three choices here:

  1. Try to rekindle the desire that presumably was once there. That is going to take effort on both your parts. Have dates nights (even if its at home after your child has gone to bed), talk openly, spend quality time together, make an effort for each other and try to see if you can work on the relationship/ spice up your sex life
  2. Carry on as you are (maybe seeing other people) but it doesnt sound like you are happy doing that
  3. Split up.

I think I would at least try 1 because then I would feel I had tried my absolute best to save the relationship and that would make splitting feel more comfortable later on down the line if it came to that.

BigFatLiar · 29/02/2024 09:14

We were sexless for a couple of years. It hadn't even occurred to me, just tired and busy with children and work. I did/do love him and knew what he found 'fun' and how he liked me to look. I knew he liked me in dresses or skirts so I bought some nice clothes and sexy nighties and the kids went to grans. He knew what was on the table straight away but we spent a lot of time just cuddling and kissing. It took time and our sex life was different (still a matter of finding time) but we made sure to make time for each other even if it was only a kiss or a cuddle. We both wanted our marriage to succeed and while sex has been important I think ours is based more on a need/want to be together.

MightyGoldBear · 29/02/2024 09:55

How's your non sexual intimacy? I'd take sex off the table completely. Work on emotionally connecting supporting eachother. Non sexual intimacy. Kissing massage being sensual but not sexual let the chemistry build up.

What does your ideal sex life look like?
When you say you've had therapy what exercises have you done together? Do you understand eachothers desires sexual triggers preferred sexual currency?

What's your partner doing to improve things? Are there resentments? Do you feel they could be doing more?

MightyGoldBear · 29/02/2024 10:01

Dr Karen gurney recently did a podcast with diary of a ceo might be helpful to check out her work she specialises in desire.

ClumsyNinja · 29/02/2024 10:07

My vagina has shrunk post menopause so we haven't had sex for a few years now.

He had chemo and couldn't have sex for a while and so it fell by the wayside. When he was well and feeling healthier he tried viagra, but it was too uncomfortable for me so we just stopped.

I can't say I'm bothered as I was never much interested in sex anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

FinallyFeb · 29/02/2024 17:34

Why don’t you sleep in the same bed?

User442681bgt · 29/02/2024 17:53

@ClumsyNinja maybe you should speak to the doc about some HRT NOT for your sex life solely but for your overall health.

Opentooffers · 29/02/2024 17:55

You could always stay as you are but stop trying to have any sex with each other and just do others.
Or, move into the same bedroom as that is wrong for a start, then just practice hugging and kissing each other, but if that gives you the ick, then you just don't like him that way anymore, accept it and move on or stay as you are and see others bit with no sex between you.

Original poster
Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 19:40

I think I’m not even sure what I like sexually is half the problem, your comment has just made me think this. I’d have no idea what to suggest he does!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 19:43

My son refuses to sleep alone! So we take turns with him xx

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 29/02/2024 19:51

Mmm... it is difficult when your head wants a sexual relationship with someone, even maybe your heart does, but other parts aren't cooperating.

Tbh maybe I'm a brutal auld witch but I'd say fix this child sleeping alone issue - if you actually want to. Or is it a convenient excuse that's just gone on too long? Something has to change if you want something to change.

I didn't realise until after I'd stopped taking it, but hormonal contraception damps my libido a lot (the mini pill killed it stone dead). I know you've had sex with others so maybe that's not the issue but it might not be helping.

Maybe both of you are waiting for the other to express desire. Have you tried reading porn? I tried writing it. Worked for me.

Secondstart1001 · 29/02/2024 20:03

Mothersmith89 · 29/02/2024 19:43

My son refuses to sleep alone! So we take turns with him xx

op I had the same issue and it really didnt help my relationship with my exH. This is a side issue however a really important one. Try anything to get yourselves back into your bed together. Another thing I would say is think small changes instead of big .. don’t create a mountain to climb. Small changes will become good habits … before you know it, will make a big impact.