Sexless marriages - what have you tried?

[Mothersmith89]

Can a sexless marriage recover? Has anyone managed it?

sexless is defined as 4-6 times a year. It’s not totally sexless but when I do it, it’s because I feel obliged as we have left it long.

a little overview:

• he doesn’t put pressure on me
• sex is every 8-10weeks
• we have one 6 year old and not much overnight childcare
• not slept in same bed insane son was born
• even when we have sex we don’t kiss
• we don’t argue and we do get along
• we have tried open relationship (both sleep with others)
• we are both quite body confident/gym alot
• we are mid/late 30s so too young for this!
• sex therapy for a while but money/time is tough!

i just have zero interest in sex with him, he feels more like my (lovely) older brother!

I am a on the verge of giving up quite honestly. Im struggling to even look at
him as I feel so guilty about all of this. Has anyone recovered from this?

For me, lack of affection has been the biggest issue. I spent years begging my husband to spend time just holding my hand and watching telly together, going to films and for dinner, laughing and smiling ... (gasp) flirting. Money was no object but he preferred sitting on the sofa (alone) surfing the internet and watching random telly. Occasionally, I suggested series but more than once he bluntly declined say he didn't want to watch that rubbish.

Secondstart mentions lots of touching in anticipation of sex and if he had treated me like someone he fancied, I'd have been more amenable. But he only touched me if he wanted to have sex. And then it was a sequence of touches that he thought would make me keen - like starting an appliance: push here, squeeze there, stroke this, poke there. It was horrible. I felt so used. So I asked him not to touch me at all because he was not doing it because he 'loved' me or because he wanted to shag me. It didn't matter who it was, any woman would have been acceptable. Somewhere around there we stopped kissing and definitely stopped snogging because there was no passion, just his interest in a shag for himself.

So decide what would turn your engine on and tell your mister. I hope yours will be willing to engage more than mine was.

This was the end of my sex life ( then) and marriage to my now EX. Children can cause real issues in a marriage.

Men complain of women not wanting sex. Nah it's just with them.

This is relatively common for women in monogamy

Look up Drpsychmom online. Her articles and podcasts on Responsive Desire could help you understand better what to try.

Responsive Desire in Women: If You’re Never In The Mood That’s Normal

Getting back to sharing a bed is vital. Sharing a bed with your 6 yo son isn’t helping you as a couple or your son. He does need to learn how to go asleep alone otherwise it will impact his ability to do normal social things as he gets older such as sleepovers and residential school trips. It’s also in your son’s interests for his parents to nurture their couple relationship.

Hang on. So you are merrily having sex with random men? And him with random women? Where are you both finding the time to do this if you have no childcare?

The other point being if you're hungry and eat a McDonalds on the way home you're not going to be very hungry for your dinner are you?

Absolutely bizarre post.

I'd say the marriage is well and truly over. Plenty of people carry on in this type of marriage though so if that's the life you want then go for it I guess.

Your sleeping arrangements may also be feeding a subconscious belief that you and your DH need to be chaste with each other because you’re co-sleeping with your son.

Oh Dear. You just aren't attracted to your partner. I think this can't be fixed and it's nobody's fault. I couldn't live like this though you are too young, both of you.

You can’t make yourself fancy someone. You like your husband and you have a good parenting relationship so you don’t have to throw that away but you might have to accept that it is as far as it goes.

You've barely shared a bed in 6 years. You've enjoyed sex with other men, but sex with your husband sounds like a passion-free chore. I think it's safe to say that the romantic side of your relationship is over.

It's really hard to keep the lust going when you've been together a long time and live a domestic life. There's a book on this which I think is called Mating in Captivity.

Did you find him physically attractive when you first met, or did you want him because he was so nice, you could trust him, he was sensible and you thought he would make good father material?

😂

Maybe one agrees to take care of the baby for the evening whilst the other goes out and meets whoever? Or the OP is middle class & above and can afford a nanny or regular childcare?

For goodness sake, your son needs to sleep alone for a start.

Did you ever fancy your DH OP?

This is a question of not recognising responsive desire. Of course you're going to feel more lust for a new partner/random man than you will for your husband, that's human nature. You need to get yourselves (plural) into the mood via slow buildup, timing around ovulation, etc.

Sex every 8-10 weeks is not a sexless marriage

Is it sex or 'Pity sex'?

You say your son “refuses” to sleep alone. Make him. It may take a few tough nights to get into a routine but be brutal and get it done.

then you will at least be back in the same bed together.

Id prioritize sleeping with your DH over your son. If DS wants to sleep on the floor on a mattress ok. But you're making it way too attractive for your 6 yo.

Exactly, it is literally sex.

Low sex marriage maybe

It’s like if I go to the gym once every ten weeks, I am still technically telling the truth when I say to my doctor I exercise regularly.

Sex 6 times a year is not a sexless marriage?