Sexless marriages - what have you tried?

[Mothersmith89]

Can a sexless marriage recover? Has anyone managed it?

sexless is defined as 4-6 times a year. It’s not totally sexless but when I do it, it’s because I feel obliged as we have left it long.

a little overview:

• he doesn’t put pressure on me
• sex is every 8-10weeks
• we have one 6 year old and not much overnight childcare
• not slept in same bed insane son was born
• even when we have sex we don’t kiss
• we don’t argue and we do get along
• we have tried open relationship (both sleep with others)
• we are both quite body confident/gym alot
• we are mid/late 30s so too young for this!
• sex therapy for a while but money/time is tough!

i just have zero interest in sex with him, he feels more like my (lovely) older brother!

I am a on the verge of giving up quite honestly. Im struggling to even look at
him as I feel so guilty about all of this. Has anyone recovered from this?

😂

You sound like amazing parents 🙄

• A 6-year-old who can't sleep on his own and thinks it's normal for a parent to sleep with him—imagine how embarrassed he'll be if his classmates find out.
• You're setting him up for future difficulties.
• Both mum and dad having affairs.

This behavior will likely have an unhealthy impact on your child. Saying you don't argue might mean you no longer care about each other. You really need to consider divorce and pursue happier lives separately, rather than teaching your child that this is what a normal relationship looks like.

I think we have unrealistic views of sex in relationships to be honest. Of course a couple who have been together for years and who have busy lives with a kid aren't going to want to shag each other all the time. Biology and evolution just doesn't design it that way.

Split up and begin new relationships. You won't want to shag them as much after a few years though....

Maybe an open relationship is the way to go if you still want companionship with the same partner.

• No need for those in 30 year relationships to tell us you still shag seven days a week. You're unusual and it's not relevant to the op.

I agree that long-term couples, especially those who are parents, often don't have frequent sex due to their busy schedules and various time constraints.

Mumsnet is filled with posts about partners experiencing a decline in sexual activity.

However, couples with a healthy sexual relationship typically engage in sex about once a week or every two weeks whether they have children or not.

Having sex 6 times a year isn't the norm?

I just have zero interest in sex with him, he feels more like my (lovely) older brother!

I mean, this says it all - you're wasting your life away. You only live once.

I completely hate anything sexual, always have and always will, including refusing to read Mills and Boon etc. I find the entire thing to be vile so when I met a man in 2007 who became my official husband in 2011 when I was 42 and he was 46 and a first marriage for us both, I was straight up with him and told him that while I love him to death and think he's drop dead gorgeous, I'm quite happy to share a bed and cuddles, that's it, I could never ''do it'' with him and kissing repulses me too. A quick peck on the lips or cheek is no problem but actual kissing ... ugh. No way.

I thought he'd run a mile but he didn't! He told me he's not into that sort of thing either and can't understand the worldwide obsession with sex.

Even on our wedding night we never bothered, not even a quick fumble, we just crashed into bed utterly knackered from the wedding and reception! ! We'd rather play Catopoly than ''do the dreaded deed''! We love Catopoly!

We're still very happily married now, I totally worship him and he knows it so yes, a sexless marriage can work for some couples!

So are you saying you’ve never had sex with your husband?

if they are both asexual what’s the issue?

@Rania78 no issue, I find it interesting as she fancies her Dp so much so wanted to ask.

Sounds like a total lost cause to me. OP doesn't sound very invested in actually sorting out the problem really.

If, however, my assessment isn't true then OP needs to start doing the things a loving and sexually engaged partner would do such as actually spending time together as a couple, sleeping in the same bed, not fucking other men, you know, that sort of thing.

There's no issue with @TheDumpling and her partner being Asexual.

My reaction to @Secondstart1001's comment was the same. Asexuality is rare, constituting 1% or less of the population. I think it's considered a sexual orientation.

I'm assuming the statement "he's drop dead gorgeous" - is a Aesthetic attraction, or aromantic.

Typo* "an Aesthetic"

(Grammar police).

I've fancied loads of people but not wanted sex with them, and some I do

@LoveLifeBeHappy glad you understand my curiosity as I find my DP gorgeous and so that’s linked to me wanting a lot of intimacy with him.

So it was a question to help my understanding and not to pass judgement on @TheDumpling . It’s good like this when the couples are happy with whatever the sexual situation is!

To clarify, you were in relationships where you engaged in sex, while with others, you were simply attracted to them without any sexual involvement?

@LoveLifeBeHappy no I didn't have relationships with the ones I had no sexual interest in, I ended them before they started

Well, what you're referring to is normal dating.

We're discussing committed relationships / married couples who have no sexual interest, yet fancy their partners.

These are two different things.

Read Come as you are by Emily Nagowski.

@LoveLifeBeHappy alright thread police, I was just supporting a woman who said she fancied the pants off him but didn't want to have sex with him. Someone questioned this. I was saying it's possible.

I was trying to understand your point, but it's not quite the same.

She's talking about being attracted to her husband, to whom she is married and loves. It's a committed relationship. But, abstaining from sex. Which for most people would be difficult.

You, on the other hand, are talking about being attracted to someone with whom you have no relationship. Therefore, you would not be having sex with them.

Do you see the difference?

@LoveLifeBeHappy I would have happily married them if I thought it was fair. I was in love with them and thought they were gorgeous. I ended things purely because they wanted sex and it wouldn't be fair, but if they'd felt the same way I'd have been with them.
Anyway you're arguing for no reason. @TheDumpling I get what you were saying 😊

Sex doesn't have to be at night. Can you both get a day off work a couple of times to spend some time together and maybe arrange for your son to be out at the weekend sometimes? Spend some time having fun together and consciously touching like maybe you did in the early days? If you want to get back on that track of course.

I think attraction is complicated.
I can find loads of men handsome, but not being physically attracted to them. While I am incredibly physically attracted to people who are not as conventionally attractive but in my eyes are models.
I deeply believe that attraction has nothing to do with being conventionally handsome/beautiful. It has to do with 2 energies matching. Has to do with someone’s smell. Has to do with things we pick up subconsciously

Sorry, I wasn't trying to argue. I appreciate you explaining, thank you.