Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex Boyfriends apology, years later

61 replies

exg · 28/02/2024 17:07

I had a year long relationship back in 2018 with a guy I thought was the one. I was incredibly heart broken when he started treated me badly and then left me saying his feelings hadn't progressed as he thought they should, although in the beginning it was clear things were going very very well. It took me a couple of years to recover and I still have self esteem issues as a result. Not long after breaking up with me it became apparent he was with someone else, was in love with her as he hadn't been with me and they got engaged. There had been an overlap of us being together and them meeting which I knew about but I don't think he knew I know. I saw his phone when we were together and messages between him and the girl he left me for.

In lockdown, their engagement ended but finally I was coming out from the pain. Over the last 4 years, he has occasionally reached out saying he'd like to talk to me but I have always ignored him.

Yesterday, he reached out to me after seeing me on a dating app. He said he really wanted to apologise for how things ended and how much he'd hurt me. Well after so long I finally felt able to talk about it and tell him how I knew about the overlap in relationships and reminded him of some of the awful ways he'd treated me. He said he was so so sorry and that I'm a 'lovely person' who didn't deserve it and he was glad he was finally able to apologise and that he wasn't expecting anything to come from it.

I told him I didn't accept his apology because being ditched for someone else is never a good thing but that the hurt is now in the past and there is no point bringing it back up.

When I told him of some of the stand out 'events' which hurt me, he didn't comment on these but just kept saying he was sorry and I'm lovely. I then wished him well and said there is no need to be keep in touch and he responded 'I wish you all the best'.

What was the point of all this? My feeling is that it was all selfish and to do with him and his conscience and nothing to do with making me feel better.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 28/02/2024 17:13

Maybe she cheated on him so he finally realised how shit he had been. But either way you are right, apologies years down the line aren't about the person receiving them. It just means the guilt kicked in for some reason and they want to get rid of it.

heldinadream · 28/02/2024 17:13

Yes I think you're almost certainly right. I hope it hasn't disturbed you too much and stirred things up OP. Will you be able to put it behind you again now?
I wouldn't give him any more head space if you can help it.

Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 17:15

Why do you need to know what his reasons were?

pastypirate · 28/02/2024 17:15

I'm not sure. I was really shitty to a guy back in 2000's who I think I ought to apologise to from time to time. This thread has assured me to not go there and I shall leave him well alone!

Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 17:16

pastypirate · 28/02/2024 17:15

I'm not sure. I was really shitty to a guy back in 2000's who I think I ought to apologise to from time to time. This thread has assured me to not go there and I shall leave him well alone!

But I apologised to someone years after and they accepted and were glad I'd done it. Everyone is different. You can't judge your own situation by looking at someone else's.

Surfapparel · 28/02/2024 17:16

I apologised to someone after 9 years. You're right, it was all about my own guilt. I bet anything he only contacts you whenever he breaks up with someone.

GoldDuster · 28/02/2024 17:17

He's trying his luck. He's on a dating app and he spotted what he thought might be a soft landing.

Good for you.

CharmedCult · 28/02/2024 17:22

Yeah none of that was about making you feel better. More likely a combination of getting rid of some of his guilt and hoping a shag might be on the cards seeing as he’s seen you on a dating app.

he said… he was glad he was finally able to apologise and that he wasn't expecting anything to come from it

Wasn’t expecting anything to come from it.

Aye right.

Pinkbonbon · 28/02/2024 17:23

He's either trying his luck or, doing it for the ego stroke of you telling him how hurt you were (in his mind that's : how into me she was/is). Not really sure why you told him about things that hurt you. That's just stroking his ego. But at keast telling him it's all in the last for you is hopefully taking him down a peg or two.

Trust your gut. Your instincts told you he was doing it for selfish reasons. Because he is.

bloodyeffinnora · 28/02/2024 17:30

I don't really know what you wanted from it? he apologised and wished you well but it's as though you wanted more from him.

Original poster
exg · 28/02/2024 17:46

No it hasn't disturbed me, the only thing I find disappointing is that he found me on a dating app when I'd rather have been in a new loving relationship to gloat about to him. To prove that actually I can be loved! But ahhh well.

He hasn't changed anyway, not acknowledging the individual shitty things he did that I mentioned in my message. Just saying 'sorry' and 'you're lovely'. He never outwardly said he was sorry for cheating.

I think thats what I wanted in all honesty, acknowledgment of exactly what he did.

OP posts:
Original poster
exg · 28/02/2024 17:48

And when he said he was really sorry for causing me pain, my response was 'I'm not in pain, I haven't been in pain over this for years its fine'

OP posts:
Slitherr · 28/02/2024 17:49

His reasons were more than likely that he saw you on a dating site and thought he would try and get back in your knickers! Men are very transparent and don’t give a shit about your feelings.

Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 17:50

Slitherr · 28/02/2024 17:49

His reasons were more than likely that he saw you on a dating site and thought he would try and get back in your knickers! Men are very transparent and don’t give a shit about your feelings.

Because you know about how all men think.

BluebellCrocus · 28/02/2024 17:52

I think he wants you back, but you said he treated you badly and he'll do it again. He's still the same person..

DuckOffAWatersBack · 28/02/2024 17:53

Sometimes you honestly realise you acted like a shit and want to make ammends. Maybe more about your own feelings etc but I'd appreciate it if someone who needed to apologised to me, no matter how long ago something happened.

BirthdayRainbow · 28/02/2024 17:55

My one that got away has left me a letter apologising for hurting me so much. We now talk a lot and will see each other but the fact he has done this meant so much. It's a shame that PP are being cynical. I'd be taking it as a genuine apology. Even if he wants to get in your pants 🤢so what? He can't without your approval. I'm sure you can make your own decisions and since you've said no need to stay in touch means your heart is protected.

Sometime men can be dicks then grow up and realise they've done wrong and want to rectify things.

SirTarquin · 28/02/2024 17:58

he was glad he was finally able to apologise and that he wasn't expecting anything to come from it.

oh yes he was. That was the point of it. He was angling for a string free fuck with someone who won't add to his body count and will be ease riding.

Do you need to ask? He found you on a dating app. It's very very obvious.

Kingsleadhat · 28/02/2024 17:58

Maybe he's done one of those self help courses where they encourage you to make amends / apologise for past bad behaviour

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 28/02/2024 18:00

He's just fishing for an emotional response, to remind himself of the power he had over your emotions and to hark back to that time when he had you both in his sway. If he reaches out again just blank him, it's only gratifying him.

Watchkeys · 28/02/2024 18:10

The assumptions here are amazing. Anyone heard of Occam's Razor? Likely he apologised because he wanted to apologise, and if he leaves it at that, that's great. If he doesn't, that's great too, because OP, you can tell him where to go. The end.

You'd all mostly rather jump to accusing someone you've never met of something they might not have done, than help OP realise that she doesn't need to understand his motives.

BirthdayRainbow · 28/02/2024 18:32

Just because he found her on a dating app doesn't mean he was after a quick shag. He might have googled her and it was the easiest way to contact her. There could be any number of reasons. It doesn't all have to be negative. The lack of critical thinking and non sheep like behaviour on here is embarrassing.

BluebellCrocus · 28/02/2024 18:35

BirthdayRainbow · 28/02/2024 18:32

Just because he found her on a dating app doesn't mean he was after a quick shag. He might have googled her and it was the easiest way to contact her. There could be any number of reasons. It doesn't all have to be negative. The lack of critical thinking and non sheep like behaviour on here is embarrassing.

Aww that's so sweet that you are defending someone who treated the OP badly and left her heartbroken. Well done!

BluebellCrocus · 28/02/2024 18:38

BirthdayRainbow · 28/02/2024 18:32

Just because he found her on a dating app doesn't mean he was after a quick shag. He might have googled her and it was the easiest way to contact her. There could be any number of reasons. It doesn't all have to be negative. The lack of critical thinking and non sheep like behaviour on here is embarrassing.

So naive! I'm embarrassed for you! 😀

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/02/2024 18:44

I wish my ex husband had the guts and self awareness to apologise to me. I would take it in the spirit that it was intended. It sounds as if he felt guilty and so he should.