Ex Boyfriends apology, years later

[exg]

I had a year long relationship back in 2018 with a guy I thought was the one. I was incredibly heart broken when he started treated me badly and then left me saying his feelings hadn't progressed as he thought they should, although in the beginning it was clear things were going very very well. It took me a couple of years to recover and I still have self esteem issues as a result. Not long after breaking up with me it became apparent he was with someone else, was in love with her as he hadn't been with me and they got engaged. There had been an overlap of us being together and them meeting which I knew about but I don't think he knew I know. I saw his phone when we were together and messages between him and the girl he left me for.

In lockdown, their engagement ended but finally I was coming out from the pain. Over the last 4 years, he has occasionally reached out saying he'd like to talk to me but I have always ignored him.

Yesterday, he reached out to me after seeing me on a dating app. He said he really wanted to apologise for how things ended and how much he'd hurt me. Well after so long I finally felt able to talk about it and tell him how I knew about the overlap in relationships and reminded him of some of the awful ways he'd treated me. He said he was so so sorry and that I'm a 'lovely person' who didn't deserve it and he was glad he was finally able to apologise and that he wasn't expecting anything to come from it.

I told him I didn't accept his apology because being ditched for someone else is never a good thing but that the hurt is now in the past and there is no point bringing it back up.

When I told him of some of the stand out 'events' which hurt me, he didn't comment on these but just kept saying he was sorry and I'm lovely. I then wished him well and said there is no need to be keep in touch and he responded 'I wish you all the best'.

What was the point of all this? My feeling is that it was all selfish and to do with him and his conscience and nothing to do with making me feel better.

Exactly what you said OP. Stay well away.

Wants to get his dick wet.

OP - I think you are not completely over it all. And - for your own sanity and peace of mind, you really should let it go.

He apologised, it's a good thing. People do it for all kinds of reasons, of course including their own conscience. Most of our behaviours are driven by our conscience.
The fact that he didn't engage with blow by blow of his behaviour back then speak more about you than him. The fact that you immediately brought up a list of all the things he did wrong - just say you are still mulling them over. Subconsciously most likely - as you think you got over.

It only had been a year long relationship. You clearly felt stronger about him that he did about you back then. As it wasn't working for him - he moved on. He did it in a deceitful way. Years passed and he apologised. End of story.

How he found you; how he apologized specifically; whether or not you are in a relationship to show him you are worthy of love - none of these is a healthy way of thinking about it.
I think the depth of your hurt is more about the fact that you think he was "the one" - while for him you were not that. There is nothing he can say to change the pain that caused you.

Hopefully you will meet someone you'll feel strongly about soon and are finally able to properly move on.

I think he was testing the waters for an easy shag. Best case scenario is that he felt guilty but this is unlike imho.

He's just trying to reduce the number of people who hate him.

He thinks time excuses him from wrongdoing.

One day his behaviour may catch up on him, in the meantime he's not sorry, he's sorry for himself.

Op, don't forgive him, just tell him to f off and block.

This could also be step 9 of the 12 steps - even if not this is nothing to do with you OP, it’s his journey and he’s already fucked you over once…
Sorry, that’s maybe a bit harsh, but from what you’ve written he doesn’t sound like one of the decent ones.

I am over him, but I don't think I'm completely over what happened. It was the worst and most influencing rejection of my life.

I wouldn't want him back ever as he can't be trusted. But I don't think that is what he would want anyway, he closed the conversation and annoyingly I was the last person to message when I told him I wasn't in pain over it anymore as it was so long ago.

Sounds as though he was testing to see if you'd be available now he's on his own and had no idea that you knew he was cheating. He hasn't been able to admit that bit or apologise for it, but did realise that he was wasting his time as you're not going to have him back.

He was contacting you for his benefit, not yours unfortunately. You said and did all the right things so just ignore any further attempts to contact you and block where possible. However much it hurt at the time, you've actually dodged a bullet here. I wish you luck and hope you find someone much nicer.

Yes I think that is it, I want him to know I know about the cheating and to just acknowledge it happened!!

For me to point out I knew and for him not to acknowledge it and just say 'I only wanted to say i'm sorry' and 'you're lovely' really annoyed me.

This is because he's a nasty prick.

You know he's a nasty prick. First hand.

And now, you can conclude, nasty prick remains a nasty prick, and you have dodged a bullet.

Pour yourself a glass of fizz and smile.

OP - trust your gut feeling on this. My ex split up with me in a very unpleasant way 3 years ago. I went no contact afterwards and moved on. Well, he got in touch a few months ago and asked to meet up, said that he’d changed and just wanted me to give him a chance to apologise for his past behaviour. So I thought ‘maybe he did change and we can have a decent conversation’ (zero intention from me of getting back together). We did meet up but there was something off & selfish about his apology, it felt rehearsed and as if he needed to make amends to feel better about himself. His subsequent texts became weirdly flirty and I was just about to go no contact with him again when he left a cheerful message informing me about his engagement! I’m laughing about it now but back then I never felt so duped, so angry at him and so frustrated with myself for believing he’d changed!