Ex Boyfriends apology, years later

[exg]

I had a year long relationship back in 2018 with a guy I thought was the one. I was incredibly heart broken when he started treated me badly and then left me saying his feelings hadn't progressed as he thought they should, although in the beginning it was clear things were going very very well. It took me a couple of years to recover and I still have self esteem issues as a result. Not long after breaking up with me it became apparent he was with someone else, was in love with her as he hadn't been with me and they got engaged. There had been an overlap of us being together and them meeting which I knew about but I don't think he knew I know. I saw his phone when we were together and messages between him and the girl he left me for.

In lockdown, their engagement ended but finally I was coming out from the pain. Over the last 4 years, he has occasionally reached out saying he'd like to talk to me but I have always ignored him.

Yesterday, he reached out to me after seeing me on a dating app. He said he really wanted to apologise for how things ended and how much he'd hurt me. Well after so long I finally felt able to talk about it and tell him how I knew about the overlap in relationships and reminded him of some of the awful ways he'd treated me. He said he was so so sorry and that I'm a 'lovely person' who didn't deserve it and he was glad he was finally able to apologise and that he wasn't expecting anything to come from it.

I told him I didn't accept his apology because being ditched for someone else is never a good thing but that the hurt is now in the past and there is no point bringing it back up.

When I told him of some of the stand out 'events' which hurt me, he didn't comment on these but just kept saying he was sorry and I'm lovely. I then wished him well and said there is no need to be keep in touch and he responded 'I wish you all the best'.

What was the point of all this? My feeling is that it was all selfish and to do with him and his conscience and nothing to do with making me feel better.

This.

I can't believe all the other responses about how he's reflected on his behaviour.

It's simply "there's an old flame who's single right in front of my face on a dating app, that might be very little effort for a quick fling, I'll test the water"

No need for that. Luckily I'm impossible to patronise.

Sometimes trying to make someone feel they have been a victim of someone else isn't the right or best action.

really no need to twice try and put me down.

@exg "My feeling is that it was all selfish and to do with him and his conscience and nothing to do with making me feel better."

yup.

No sheep-like thinking here. Purely evidence and experience-based.

1. He was a twat
2. He found her on a dating app

I think it's unlikely he's had an epiphany, although can't rule it out. Don't stress about not being coupled up OP. You need to focus on what you have and don't get into thinking "shit, I'm not in a relationship." Better being single and with good insight - which it sounds like you have - than with some bloke who jumps from relationship to relationship, treating people badly.

@Watchkeys

Anyone heard of Occam's Razor?

Get real. A ex-bf who has no real reason to get in contact years later contacts OP via a dating app on the pre-text of an apology having had a few fishing attempts over previous years.

The absolute Occam's Razor here is - fishing for a fuck. It is the simplest and most likely explanation.

The idea that unbidden he suddenly wanted to apologise is insane. Believing that is the total opposite of Occam's Razor.

Just because he found her on a dating app doesn't mean he was after a quick shag. He might have googled her and it was the easiest way to contact her.

Hahahaha… he wanted to contact the OP so he Googled her, found her on a dating site, and created an account for himself on that same dating site just so that he could contact her, because that was the easiest way to get in touch with her… brilliant, yeah that’s definitely what happened

He hasn't even apologised! He said "you didn't deserve this, you're lovely". I do think - in limited cases (usually following a life-changing event/therapeutic intervention/12 step programme) - grown adults can change and offer sincere apologies for past wrongdoings. But it takes work. And these apologises need to be thoughtful, sincere and mindfully take in what cruelty they inflicted. Just offering platitudes because you spotted an ex on Bumble screams bullshit.

He was looking for an easy shag

@SirTarquin

'Get real'

I did. You might be right, and he's 'fishing for fuck'. Classy phrase, there.

As I said earlier (and you clearly didn't bother to read it properly), his motives don't matter. A person apologises, you take it as an apology. AKA Occam's razor. Your 'getting real' needs an assumption, so I'm guessing that you don't really know what Occam's razor actually is. Nice try though.

And when he said he was really sorry for causing me pain, my response was 'I'm not in pain, I haven't been in pain over this for years its fine'

Good for you OP. Now don’t give him a second thought. He wasn’t good enough for you years ago and he certainly isn’t now.

Seeing proof you were single may have made it seem a trouble free time to get in touch with an apology that he's been thinking of making for a while half arsedly. I reckon to make himself feel better before dating again rather than fish for an easy shag. Perhaps wants a bit of female attention if OLD. Possibly to test the water and see whether you'd still be amenable to his charms for an ego boost but in my experience I don't think actual sex is the main driver here.

Your 'getting real' needs an assumption, so I'm guessing that you don't really know what Occam's razor actually is. Nice try though.

Tee hee.

You are the one who posted:

The assumptions here are amazing. Anyone heard of Occam's Razor? Likely he apologised because he wanted to apologise, and if he leaves it at that, that's great.

and you are telling me that you are guessing that I don't really know what Occam's razor is.

Your theory needs a whopping assumption that the apology is a genuine apology when the available data suggests that is highly improbable. To reach that conclusion you'd need a stack of improbable assumptions.

β− for effort.

I actually feel sorry for you that are so cynical. I'm just going by my experience.

I mean this politely....but the fact you think people can be found on dating apps via google suggests you live very differently than most of us.

I've never been on a dating app, but my brain is exploding at the thought of data being available that way!

Yep, he’s on a dating app propably looking for someone else to cheat with on his current gf. Saw you and thought he’d try his luck with some emotional smultz about being sorry. Opportunist shagger that’s all OP !

I wouldent want my ex near me i dont need to hear his pitty party.
Oh wait he`s dead.

Why do you need to know why OP needs to know what his reasons were?

As @Lisagreasa and others have said, he hasn’t actually apologised. The devil is in the detail.

He’s a chancer and you are so well rid.

You handled it brilliantly.

I would look at what happened in 2018 as a blessing in disguise.

He has apologised, numerous times on the message. Said he was 'so so sorry'.

Although I feel my original thoughts about him only apologising to ease his own conscience was right. Since I reminded him about some of the shit things he did and how he treated me, he closed the conversation by saying 'I wish you all the best' rather than offering an explanation to his past behaviour. I feel like if he genuinely wanted to make me feel better, he would acknowledge things better.

For example, I said 'I know you left me for someone else' 'I saw the messages from the girlfriend after me on your phone' and he didn't even respond to it. You would think if he really felt bad about it, he might admit it and say yeah i'm sorry about that, rather than just a general apology

I don't, it was a rhetorical question for OP.

@SirTarquin

We disagree. You assume from an apology that the bloke has ulterior motives, and that there's an underlying sentiment on his part that he has said nothing of. I assume, from an apology, an apology, until given more information.

Pretty clear who's complicating things there, but I do accept that it might not be clear to you.

I assume, from an apology, an apology, until given more information.

There is quite a lot more information here.

I do accept that it might not be clear to you.

This is cringe making. Keep trying. Keep on trying. You'll get there one day.

@SirTarquin

'Keep trying'

OK. I look forward to reaching your higher climes of wisdom, great oracle ;)

I got one via Facebook messenger (I wasn't friends with him) from my ex husband, about ten years after we'd split, and, as it turned out, his second wife, who he'd left me for, had left him. To be honest, I appreciated that he now understood a bit, and told him that. No further comms were needed, but it did put something to rest for me that I hadn't realised was there. So different strokes for different folks I reckon.