Have you forgiven an affair

[Sodie]

This is going to be jumbled sorry. I can't sleep, I haven't eaten. I found out Sunday when I received an anonymous Facebook message that my partner of 16 years has cheated. He finally admitted yesterday they had sex, this has been going on for two years. Because he felt pushed out because our daughter almost died two years back, and has been left disabled and I care for her 24/7.
He was my world, my only family and my only friend. I feel like I may die of a broken heart.

Darling sending you a huge hug. What a weak man and what shitty thing to do. And what sl@ts exist out there to sleep with a man in this situation.

I do not know your financial situation. you definitely need space from each other. something similar happened to me. i had a stillbirth last August and then discovered he is cheating: i am in a financial situation where I could leave easily. Didn't do it immwdiately though. I expanded my circle of friends, built a support network, made sure I feel good physically and mentally and then found a flat to move out. Thankfully I had my friends to help me there.

I am over the moon amd building a new life. I need someone who will be next to me in difficult times. A strong man. If I don't find one I'd rather stay single and enjoy life with my friends. And a dog.

The title "Have you forgiven an affair" suggests that's what you're about to do. Please think very carefully before you forgive. You may live to regret it. You don't need to make a decision now.

In a previous relationship I did, he did it again so I got rid. Been with my current partner for 13 years and would never forgive cheating again

Stupidly in my previous relationship I forgave him sleeping with his mums friend (grim), lived constantly thinking about it, low and behold he cheated time after time again. It destroyed my self worth and I never actually got over it, constantly checking up on him, looking over my shoulder, never ever again.

No I didn't forgive, I moved on and so happy I did. I'm so sorry, he is despicable.

I wouldn’t forgive him in your situation. So sorry you’re going through this.

I did .
He had feelings for someone,so he told me,as I was busy with 4 young children ,two of which had a disability and needed a lot of care.so he felt I hadn't given him enough of my attention over the years And she was happy to supply it.
So I kicked him out
Long story short
He wanted to come home
So I said on condition we get married.
And so we did .
My only failing was not getting married before having children.
We muddle through,but he knows the slightest indescression and i will have his stuff packed and locks changed quicker than u can blink

What he has done is unforgivable.

I have not forgiven or forgotten but I have accepted it happened and moved forward with him. I trust him (as much as I’d trust anyone after what I learnt) and I’m really happy with my decision. But my healing has taken years and complete and utter dedication from him towards me feeling safe again.

BUT

You do not need to make ANY decisions now. What he has done is unforgivable (personally don’t think any affair is forgivable but I do believe you can move on). You needed him and at a time you were at your most vulnerable he looked for his validation and ego kibbles elsewhere. That shows a really lack in character. A selfishness and entitlement at the very core of him. He does not get to excuse his affair with ridiculous statements around not getting his ‘needs met’.

My advice to you is self care first. You are in shock and this is a trauma. Don’t underestimate what your body will be experiencing.

Then get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ whether you stay or go this will unpick his petty excuses and help you dig down to the bones of who this man is.

If he appears to be remorseful, he will block ALL contact with this woman, he will give you absolute and complete transparency, he will allow you to support him in making no contact with her clear (surviving infidelity website can help you with this). Anything less and he’s still in full on cheat mode and wants his cake and is just annoyed that you might take it away from him. It’s important you spot the difference and don’t give any time to a man in the shame/guilt/regret spiral as they are unsafe partners. ‘How to help my spouse heal from my affair’ will help you unpick the difference.

I mentioned surviving infidelity and I really would get yourself on there. The posters are amazing and will help you recognise the safe and unsafe behaviours in him moving forward when your head is a mess!

But as I said self care first. You don’t need to make any decisions and whether you stay or go the healing time is 2-5 years.

Please remember he should be fighting to keep you, if you’re fighting to be heard it’s not worth it! Be your own best friend! 💐

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you. Six months ago I found out my partner had been very regularly hooking up with women (always just for friendship & sex, told them he'd never leave me), plus seeing escorts. He felt I didn't give him enough sex. There was other stuff going on but I forgave him and have been trying to help him with the other stuff. What I realised over time tho was that I allowed a lot of things because I loved him and put him and the kids first and really I should have put me a lot higher. Now I'm making the time. Before I didn't value myself enough to think that was important but it really is, especially when our kids need extra care. You need to show them that you are important too, else their I teraction with the world will be skewed forever.

You’re not going to die of a broken heart. It will be OK.

I forgave for me, but I also divorced him!

have you spoken with anyone yet, because it is time to get practical. The fact he would try to shift this onto your daughter’s situation is despicable and shows something truly weak in his character.
You must find your contempt for him.

I didn't forgive as such as he didn't apologise or ask for forgiveness. We muddled through until eventually he found someone he wanted to leave me for and off he fucked.

It was the right decision as he's now her problem and not mine. This knowledge makes me happy every day that he's making her miserable and not me.

He's not only cheated, but he's blamed you - for being a good mother.

I might forgive him for being such an inconsiderate, uncaring, entitled, selfish cunt, but I'd never want him in my life ever again.

I did but I wish I hadn't.

You never really do forget and will always hold resentment, wish I left him when I'd found out

@Sodie is he asking for forgiveness and is promising to stop?
my sympathy lies with you, sounds like last 2 years have been so tough and the last thing you needed is your DH who sounds like your rock, to do this to you!
I know because your child needs care you can’t Just up and leave and hope you are ok?

Yes I did. Affair lasted 7 months on and off, DH finished it, and she messaged me to reveal all. He had told her during the affair that I would without doubt end our marriage if I found out, which is why I believe she told me, in the hope he would then go back to her. My initial instinct was to ruin them both. I told him no contact with her ever again whatsoever and we would try and rebuild the relationship, I was going to give her time to move on then I was going to dump his ass in a spectacular fashion. As it turned out, DH put so much effort into righting his wrongs, was genuinely remorseful and we managed to build a fantastic relationship (we are 16 years post affair) That said, I was hurting for years afterwards, the betrayal does not go away overnight.

Take your time and go with your gut. There is no 'one size fits all' in this scenario. I feel for you OP as it's beyond hurtful.

May I ask all of you people who have forgiven affairs: weren’t you tempted to cheat on your cheating partners?

The reason I am asking is because I don’t think I would be able to resist cheating anymore If I discovered my partner cheated and then we decided to stay together. I would be like “why should I resost temptation? “
I guess this means that I would have completely lost respect for him, thus no point in staying anyway.

I haven't forgiven, but its been less than a year.
I found out he'd had a 2 month affair and was so shocked, it was horrendous.
He cut all contact and was very remorseful, very open and were doing ok. Early days, but were hopeful we'll come back stronger.
It is a lot of work from us both, and nowhere near as easy I thought it would be.

Poor him.

Men can be so unbelievably fucking selfish.

I hope that you're ok. I can't imagine how alone and overwhelmed you must feel.

Also, if you're daughter is disabled and needs care - how does he justify the time he takes to have an affair?

I didn’t forgive. I didn’t forget. It’s just not who I am. Trust takes so long to build, but only minutes to break. I found my DP texting other women. He did it twice. Swears it never went further than that, but for me it was enough. There really is a world full of women behind you on this one OP. Try not to let it get in your head. It’s a him thing, not you!

You don't ever have to forgive him, you also don't have a time limit on how you should proceed.

Everything's flexible now, whether you stay with him or not the rules have changed.

Put yourself first, that takes some time to learn, after which you may decide that he's nothing but a hindrance in your life.

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to sort it, you've got enough on your plate without having this wanker ruining your peace of mind.

He's a debit, not a credit, worthless.

Take care.

Because he felt pushed out.
Fuck me he's a poor excuse for a human.

Nope, couldn't forgive that.

Hope you're ok after that atom bomb.

There's a book which deals with which relationships recover from affairs and which don't, it's apparantly extremely reliable and helpful, can't remember what it is but it's by Shirley Glass. If you google her, there are interviews which might help.

My gut is that a man who is blaming you for an affair he's had, is not someone you can forgive.

Thank you for all your replies. So much has happened. I took an overdose yesterday and am under the crisis team who are back out to see me tomorrow. They have given me zopiclone and diazepan to help me sleep because it's been 5 days since I have eaten or slept.

I feel disgusted with him, I'm humiliated and feel worthless. But at the same time he is my everything.