Have you forgiven an affair

[Sodie]

This is going to be jumbled sorry. I can't sleep, I haven't eaten. I found out Sunday when I received an anonymous Facebook message that my partner of 16 years has cheated. He finally admitted yesterday they had sex, this has been going on for two years. Because he felt pushed out because our daughter almost died two years back, and has been left disabled and I care for her 24/7.
He was my world, my only family and my only friend. I feel like I may die of a broken heart.

I have chosen to stay for the moment. I have no idea what will happen in the long run, I don't know where to go from here. He's trying hard but what difference does it really make when I can't believe a word he says.

I hope you get the support you need and deserve.

@Sodie i am so sorry to hear your update and I hope you get the support you need in next hours, days and weeks x

It should be him taking the overdose.

Put yourself first. I do not believe anyone forgives this transgression, they just say they do. You cannot unbreak something.

I think people stay together and
seethe. You can stay if you want but no need to seethe, all bets are off, you can date a bit and make sure he knows about it.

I am so sorry this is happening to you - I have no advice, just sending hugs and hope that you put yourself first in whatever decisions you make xx

I am so sorry you are going through this. Yes I forgave an affair and he had another.

The pain is insufferable and the future looks bleak right now but it won't stay that way. Only you can decide if you want to reconcile (I wouldn't recommend trying) but you do not have to and should not make that decision whilst in the centre of your trauma.

He is a weak man and disgusting to blame your child's near death and on going care needed as a result for his wandering penis. He didn't think if you at all. If he felt unloved maybe he should have stepped up and done more to support you.

Chump lady is a great site that doesn't support reconciliation. Surviving infidelity is more balanced but a lot of reconciliation ends with another affair.

Right now you need to focus on you and your healing. Mindfulness, journalling, positive affirmations, walking in nature yoga, eating healthy and exercise will help. Your daughter needs you and if you can eat and look after yourself for you then do it for her. You will get through this

The old chestnut of blaming what the wife did wrong to justify his cheating. NO!!!!
My ex cheated..25 years together. That was it... done.

@Sodie take time to look after yourself. He has not had a brief fling but a long standing one. He is blaming you. You do not need to make any decisions. Make sure you have someone to look after you at home and make him leave to give you space. How he acts now is telling of his character.

My ex cheated again. Despite all the sorrow and begging. Yours may be different but please put yourself and the DC first for low.
Sending lots of love and hugs (very ummumsnet) I know how you feel

Your update is heart breaking.

Please put self care first.

No one is worth this level of heartbreak and distress. NO ONE.

You need to be your own ‘everything’. I say that really gently as it’s something I learnt. I spent years putting my husband on some stupid pedestal as my ‘everything’. I saw him through rose tinted glasses. I made him into this person he simply is not.

I now recognise him for who he is and I love him very much, flaws and all, but he will never be that all consuming hero to me again because he’s not.

I am that for myself now.

Whatever you decide is a process, time will tell you what you need to know BUT what is absolute is you matter. You matter to so many others and you need to matter to yourself.

Given time I promise the pain will subside, you have to believe that. You have to know you WILL feel better.

You don’t give much away in your post re your husband atm but if his presence is too distressing you need him to go and allow you some space. Put yourself first.

Huge hug! 💐

This.

Are you happy

Sadie.

First things first, you don't need to make any life-changing decisions right now. Mentally you are very vulnerable and need to concentrate on getting yourself to a point where you can think clearly about all this. If that means your H feels stuck in limbo for a while, that's on him and he just has to suck it up. I hope the meds and your mental health team make a difference and provide you with the support you need.

Personally, I believe marriages can recover from affairs but a lot depends on the circumstances leading up to them and the reactions of the cheating spouse when discovered. Most don't recover well unfortunately.

The circumstances around your DD's disability sound traumatic. Death, illness and disability often make couples pull apart rather than together. Each person tries to cope the best way they can but finds their doesn't work with how the other person is dealing with things. Some people cope by having an affair as a way to feel a connection to someone else. If you want to forgive, sometimes it can help to think of an affair as a maladaptive coping mechanism like this - i.e. about him rather than you. However, it's not an excuse - after all, you faced the same problem and didn't do that.

The biggest indicator you have about whether your H is worthy of your forgiveness is how he's handling it now. Nothing less than complete contrition and acceptance of full responsibility will do.

However, you owe it to yourself and your DD to do what works for you. You don't have to prove "you're not a fool" by leaving him if that's not what you want to do right now. There isn't a right or wrong way, just what's right for you. In your shoes I wouldn't be making any decisions until I felt stronger. But I would be sorting out my affairs and finances so that I would be in a position of strength if I chose to leave further down the line.

Take care.

OP are you religious or spiritual at all?

DH lied to me about something major and carried on the charade for months. The feeling of betrayal is still with me everyday (almost a year on now). I read a lot of books on forgiveness. One book in particular might be helpful to you (the author’s husband cheated on her too)- it’s called ‘forgiving what you can’t forget’. I’m not a particularly religious person but it was nice to hear the religious aspect of forgiveness.

Yes i did forgive him after i kicked him out.
I dont have time to hold on to a grudge i moved on.
I would not stay with anyone that would cheat simple as im worth more than looking over my shoulder thinking he may do it again.
Or the fact im gonna be his second choice.

Ive moved on let someone else deal with his crap.

Thanks everyone trying to take it all in. I'm sleeping with the help of zopiclone and diazepam. But still can't eat, it's the only positive I have right now. Feeling quite euphoric finally being in control of my weight.

It's so hard because I just don't want to be a mum right now. When I say my daughter is a full time job she really is.

How can I forgive but not forget, or live without someone knowing they are with someone else whilst my life spirals.

There would be no forgiveness here.

Not only had he been sticking his dick in another woman while you care for his disabled child 24/7 but he had the audacity to blame the situation. Imaging using your disabled child as an excuse to shag another woman.

He is utterly disgusting- stay strong OP, the medication isn't permanent, it's a tool to help you get through but you absolutely can do this.

I think forgiving without forgetting means that you accept the emotions that come with the betrayal. Even the negative ones. And you let them shape/change you. Your relationship is never going to be the same and you’re mourning this right now. You have to properly process all your emotions and it could take years. I’m almost a year in and I’m still so angry.

I have good and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. I didn’t even want to talk to him. And some days feel like almost nothing ever happened and we’re back to what we were. I know I haven’t fully forgiven but I’m hopeful that in time I will.

In my anger I phoned one of his hotels he sings at where she works cash in hand. I told them he wouldn't be working there again as had been having an affair with (woman) and had caught Chlamydia. I also said that the DWP has been informed.
I know this makes me sound like a right dick but oh my goodness am I angry

I am sorry you are going through this. If you get the urge to call anyone in anger again I strongly suggest you write it down and burn it after. You run the risk of harassment if you call her or his place or work like you have done.

I know it is hard and you are in the midst of a trauma response but you must protect yourself. Can you get access to therapy? Preferably trauma?

Do you have friends and family to support you?

His excuse for his deep betrayal on finally being found out - blaming you and your DC for feeling pushed out - is sick and despicable. Extramarital shagging was not his only choice - he could have stepped up instead. No one would deny your home situation is really difficult but you may well be better off without such a gas-lighty weakling around. Only you can decide how you feel. You don't sound like a dick for phoning the hotel. He's the dick. You're brilliant.

I phoned the hotel after she came to my house with her friend to demand answers about what about her, why won't he leave for her. I have deleted Facebook so I can't receive messages now.

I'm still on the Diazepam and zopiclone, gp has just given me citalopram and propranolol. [*sentence redacted by MNHQ]
I'm wanting all the details but apparently this isn't normal according to him. But I need to know, I just need closure on that. Why the fuck didn't he say I met someone.

His actual reason which he gets quite angry about it is. He wanted to end it with her but was worried she would message me. So he didn't want to drive to her house to have sex or talk to her but felt he had no option.

I forgave him for his affair.

But I divorced him as the trust was gone.

Moved on- and am happy then ever. And quite honestly, 7 years on I look at him when he's dropping off our ds, and really wonder what I ever saw in him (or the ow, or the new woman!!)

Please make sure you and your daughter are safe. Do you have any family or friends who could stay a while whilst you're dealing with this?

@Sodie I don’t know why he is being so cruel and withholding the information from you that you need for closure. He can see you are on meds and self harming and still nothing! He owes it to you!
I take it the plan is to stay together and try work it out? Not sure how as he doesn’t seem very sorry? Hope you are ok, you are in my thoughts x