Have you forgiven an affair

[Sodie]

This is going to be jumbled sorry. I can't sleep, I haven't eaten. I found out Sunday when I received an anonymous Facebook message that my partner of 16 years has cheated. He finally admitted yesterday they had sex, this has been going on for two years. Because he felt pushed out because our daughter almost died two years back, and has been left disabled and I care for her 24/7.
He was my world, my only family and my only friend. I feel like I may die of a broken heart.

Hi Sodie, we're sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We just wanted to let you know that we've removed a short sentence from your last post, as we don't allow posts which mention methods of self-harm.

We also wanted to share Mind's information with you - it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now

Here too is the NHS page which also lists organisations which can give you some support in real life: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/self-harm/ways-help-avoid-self-harm/

We're glad to see you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters and we hope you're okay.

Sodie, I'm so sorry you're in this possition, a possition that many women have found themselves to be in, you are not alone with these feelings, but that doesn't help when you are in the midst of it, it is heartbreaking and feels unsolvable, but hang in there, please because you sound awesome.

You will realise as you age that what you felt was important and real in life, as opposed to what he felt was important and what he prioritised was shallow and pathetic, this will take many years to feel vindicated from.
For the meantime, please look after yourself, you will get through this, time will ease your pain and decisions maybe easier to look at in the future, take your time to grow stronger, which you will.

Trauma is just that, an episode of pure hell, with the thoughts and pain ruminating arround your brain like cyclone, try any means possible to divert that pain, imagine he doesn't exist, he was never born, you never met him, or he's dead, it sounds extreme but it could help. Train your brain to cope with the immediate turmoil.

Please take care and remember you are a wonderful woman and we know how you feel, no man is worth this.

He is not remorseful. He is unsafe and continues to be unsafe.

He should be giving you ANYTHING you want to heal from this. Full transparency is a must. He is choosing to control things to protect HIMSELF and his self image.

You must heal first as you’re so poorly. You’ve been utterly traumatised but as you heal I suspect you’ll start to see what a selfish, entitled, nasty pos he is.

I have no time for OW, believe you and me, not a fan, BUT to lie claim that he was only sleeping with her to keep her quiet is beyond the pale! He’s trying to paint himself as your ‘hero’ just trying to protect you as he started to realise just how manipulated he was being by OW. This it’s utter nonsense.

I have no doubt he cares very little for this women but he was getting something from this. And chose to keep going back.

Do not let him gaslight you like this. He had an affair because of deep rooted issues within him.

Sweetheart, the trauma is horrendous BUT the pain does ease with time. I promise you that. Do anything to give your poor mind a break. Focus yourself on taking it moment by moment, then minute by minute. Before you know it, it will ease.

💐

If she comes to your house again or tries to make contact with you keep it noted. If she does it multiple times then you can start reporting her for harassment.

As for him he doesn't know what's normal as a betrayed spouse because he is the cheater. It's normal to want all the details and it's also normal to not want to hear any at all. It is what ever helps you but as you are in a fragile place I would really consider whether you want to hear those details as once you do you cannot unhear them. Surviving infidelity is a great support for people going through an affair. I for one don't believe in reconciliation working after being burnt but if its something your wanting there is support for that on there. Chump lady is a fantastic support for those who are looking to "leave a cheater and gain a life"

I'm just so sad. My heart is broken, what's so bad about me? Am I that ugly? 16 years wiped out, every memory every special song. Even the anniversary of when we met he was with her.

The only positive thing is the amount of weight I have lost. I physically can't eat.

It sounds like you are grieving your relationship. I’m so sorry for you. Nothing wrong with you, I’m sure you are a beautiful person outside and in. Please start to eat and take care of yourself. It doesn’t sound like he’s really taking care of you emotionally and physically and that really concerns me.

He has gone to sleep and I'm breaking my heart. He made me delete favebook because the ow wanted to send me entire screenshots. I actually could just go to sleep and never wake up

Please please don’t act on that last post @Sodie. It looks like things have turned sour with OW and she’s hell bent on destroying you both. Remember these facts, he hasn’t left. He’s upstairs. Nothing can takeaway your pain right now but I hope things stabilise for you xx big hugs xx

Feel free to pm me if you need support x

@Sodie you are NOT to blame for any of this. At all. Cheating is never anything to do with the betrayed partner, it has everything to do with the betrayer.
You did not force him to cheat, he could have told you he was having issues at any time instead of having an affair. He had many other honest options open to him yet he chose cheating. Let that sink in: cheating was his personal choice. He chose to do this, you did not make him. There is nothing you could have done differently to stop this, he chose to escape into an affair to avoid dealing with his issues.
Cheats are selfish cowards and often conflict-avoidant personalities, and they lie. To everyone including themselves.
His bullshit excuses are just the lies he told himself to brush away the guilt he felt when cheating, to try to justify the unjustifiable and maintain a good opinion of himself whilst doing something he knows is despicable and unforgivable. He has painted himself the victim of unhappy circumstances who has no choice other than to find happiness deceitfully elsewhere. What utter bollocks.
When he had the choice to do the right thing he didn’t, he took the dishonest option. Not because you are “less than” in any way, but because he just wanted to despite knowing it was wrong.
You feel worthless now, I know and do truly understand this. You are nothing of the sort, you are clearly an incredible devoted mum in very difficult circumstances which you have coped with admirably.
You have enormous value, your life is precious, do not let his appalling actions convince you otherwise.
It is the pain you are trying to escape from, it is the pain you want to end. And it will eventually, it honestly will.
Hold on @Sodie, this too will pass, the pain will start to subside, you are suffering from shock and have been blindsided currently, treat yourself as you would a very dear friend, just prioritise your own self care, sip water and try to eat a little soup if you can, you need your strength.
Until he stops blaming you or his circumstances and starts looking at his own behaviour, engage with him as little as possible. He is not safe to try to reconcile with until he radically changes his tune about his part in it all.
You are the important thing here, you matter.
I’m so, so sorry, the pain is hell and when it happened to me I didn’t have half of what you have to deal with on my plate. Get as much support as you can, stop blaming yourself, it truly is not your fault. Keep hydrated and rest whenever you can. Until he’s fully accepted responsibility and come to you on bended knees for forgiveness, do not engage with him, he will continue to lie and manipulate in an attempt to regain control of his unravelling life. His shitshow, he can deal with it. Don’t consider reconciliation yet, you need to grieve and look after your own immediate needs. You don’t have to make any decisions yet, either way, you can take your time. Whatever you decide to do depends on whether you want to at all and how he shapes up and accepts responsibility.
Take great care of yourself.
It is not your fault.
You did not cause this.
You are enough.
You matter. XX

I'm so appreciative of everyone being so lovely. When I say I care for my daughter 24/7 I really do. I can't leave her ever, I can't go to the toilet without her panicking. I can hardly brush my hair let alone have time to have a fucking affair. I had nobody, Everytime I messaged him to say I was on my knees and couldn't cope he would message the ow telling her this.
I found out on the Sunday they were friends just messaging. He swore he blocked her. The Monday she messaged me and called me all sorts she even rang me on messenger to hear it from him that he didn't want her but he wouldn't speak. Still swore she was blocked the Tuesday he admitted to sex once. I left and took tablets on the Wednesday which he then admitted to sex at her house after singing every week. Then I find out he was messaging her on the Monday, and on the Tuesday to say sorry but most of the conversation was deleted on his part. She had called me all sorts despite having a one sided story from him. Yet he said sorry to her. Apparently if put before a jury most would agree he needed to keep her happy for damage limitation.

I asked to see google maps to see how many times he had been to her house but he factory reset his phone instead.

It isn't even his fucking car he was driving to this persons house, it's my daughter's mobility car that I pay for as her carer.

OP, they are both scums and deserve each other.

i do not know the details of your financial situation but I would push for a divorce and 50-50% custody. That’s the only way he will do his fair share of care for your daughter and you get some time to recharge. There is a possibility that this is the teason he doesn’t want you to split. Because he will lose the carer and will have to take some responsibility.

As for her…It’s honestly a sad existence. But karma is a bitch and I hope she learns her lesson soon.

OP there is nothing wrong with you and you are not to blame. Their actions are a reflection on them.

You are in crisis so right now you need to try and focus yourself. Forget the marriage you can decide on that later. In this moment you need time for you. Can he watch your daughter for a few hours to give you time for you? He should have been helping with your child's care before now but he is so selfish he hasn't thought passed his own needs. You need to eat. You say you can't but even some yoghurt or a bite of an apple is better than nothing. You won't feel hungry but you won't feel better unless you take care if yourself. If you cannot do this for you then do it for your daughter.

You need the basics of food and hydration right now. Healthy body healthy mind. You will get through this. Tell yourself every day multiple times a day that you will get through this.

I just don't want to be a mum right now. My 16yr old has asd, I have an 11yr old too. Then my daughter is 13, life is bloody exhausting. She can't even go to school, I can't even have people round without her screaming. Not that I have anyone to bloody invite. I could actually just run away right now I would actually love to do it.

I slept a few hours I was awake from two despite taking zopiclone and diazepam. I actually feel like when my dad died.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time of it. Its OK to feel how you do. You have a lot on your plate at once. Is there anyone that can help you whether in a professional capacity or family? What is their dad doing right now? He book some time off work and bloody step up. It's not all on you to carry everything. He has torn your world apart and this is the time he needs to be a dad and give you the break you need

@Sodie are you eligible for any respite care? You sound in desperate need of support, not just in this crisis, but going forwards so that your life in general gets easier for you. It’s no wonder you don’t feel like being a mum right now, I’d feel like running away too. Your life sounds a lot more than full-on, on a daily basis, even when there are no other crises to deal with.
I think that this has massively tipped the balance for you and rendered everything you have to do even more difficult, there is no space for you to be ‘you’ in your daily situation.
I’m extremely concerned for you and I think you need more than advice here, I think you need practical help urgently so that you get a breathing space to wrap your head around what is going on.
Is there anyone you can approach, or perhaps other Mumsnetters might know which agencies or charities you could approach for help?
Take one hour, even one minute at at a time currently, don’t look too far ahead, just prioritise and only do the most important necessary stuff, leave the rest.
As long as you and your children are safe, warm and fed the rest can wait. And he can step up and do a shitload more to help, he really can. 😡
Please take care of yourself OP, I wish I had better advice for you. X

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately my child's cptsd is so bad she won't be without me. She won't speak to anyone and screams. The crisis team have said I have carers fatigue. I had a thread on here when my daughter first got sick it was an awful time.
It's so hard for me right now because I have never been selfish I'm always for the children. I just fucking wish he had said look I have met someone. But when broached with this his reply was nobody ever does this. Nobody just admits before it gets too far.

Lots of People don't admit until it gets too far because they want to have their cake and eat it. People who have affairs are sorry they got caught or sorry the situation got tricky they are not sorry they had the affair. Its not a one night stand it is a commitment to deceiving loved ones and putting on an act and for that there is no excuse.

I am sorry to hear your daughter needs so much support. No doubt this situation will make it harder on her to. I hope you can get a break at some point as you cannot help your kids if your drowning yourself

Can the crisis team do anything more to help you as you need a break, some space to think, sleep and recover. You don’t sound like you want to be a mum right now and that is ok too! Your children have 2 parents and it looks like he is staying put at home so can you give him other responsibilities with the 2 children less dependent on you? Op I am Just as concerned that your DH doesn’t seem to be remorseful and can’t see that his behavior has caused you to completely break down.

I'm assuming they're his children? Is he still helping?

@Sodie what do the crisis team do in a crisis? Telling you you have carer’s fatigue (to borrow a quote from a great movie) is like asking for help when you’re drowning and they just describe the water. No shit, crisis team, I’m not qualified or have spent time with you and your family but even with the information you have given here I’d say you had ‘carer’s fatigue’ too. I’d add a fair dollop of ‘carer’s totally fucking had it’ too, but I doubt that’s in their manual. Sorry to be so facetious but I’m angry on your behalf, Sodie. If your daughter won’t be without you, they could show up and help shoulder other practical stuff for you. I’m probably being very unfair here on hard working support teams, but I can’t see how you can be expected to be able to cope with all this, whilst they state the bleedin’ obvious. I’m so, so sorry.
Re the infidelity, that’s exactly how I felt, ie “Why the hell didn’t you just tell me?” The betrayal was worse than the affair itself for me. I’d rather he’d said it was so bad he wanted to leave than for what he did. However, that was partly his problem when it came to excuses, it wasn’t bad at all, it wasn’t so bad that he’d wanted to leave. There were no excuses other than he’d been weak and selfish and cowardly. Not my fault at all, his issues were at play here. Nobody else’s. Nobody’s responsibility but his own. And that feels like shit to the cheat once it hits home, so time to blame everybody and everything else or minimise it and say “well, everybody does X” or “well, nobody ever does Y”. 🙄
This is why there are no excuses for affairs. It’s a personal individual choice, amongst other more honest options. Saying “Well, nobody ever does that” is meaningless. It’s just another bullshit “justification” for excusing shit behaviour.
It’s in the same league as “Well, everybody breaks the speed limit” doesn’t make it ok, or excuse the fact that people who do this have broken the law, you’ve still broken the law.
It’s funny that the police never see it that way. “Well, yeah, you were doing 35 in a 30 zone but hell, nobody ever really does 30, it’s ok, don’t worry.” Said no police officer. Ever. He’s taking no responsibility for this yet, and is therefore still nowhere near safe enough for you to consider reconciliation.
To give yourself space I’d tell him that you need way more help and support with the children because of the trauma he’s causing you, and that until he stops blaming others for his awful behaviour and accepts full responsibility for his personal choices to do this, you are not prepared to forgive and forget, or ‘get over it’ or listen to any more bullshit excuses.
You need practical help and he needs to accept responsibility. All his responsibilities in fact, and here they come:
his 100% responsibility and blame for the affair
his 50% responsibility for the state of your marriage
his 50% of parental responsibilities.
Time for him to put his big boy pants on and keep his dick inside them.

I agree there aren't excuses for affairs but there can be complex reasons for them. It's not that black and white. You can move on if you both want to.

But right now you need to focus on yourself and your mental health. Get some space from this man, tell him to go somewhere else to give you some time to think.

And...it's tough, it's painful, you want to cry and scream...but it will get better.

I agree there aren't excuses for affairs but there can be complex
reasons for them. It's not that black and white. You can move on if you
both want to.

Sounds like an excuse to me. 👆

But right now you need to focus on yourself and your mental health. Get
some space from this man, tell him to go somewhere else to give you some
time to think.

Tell him to go somewhere else, what with the children ?, she's just said she can't function at the moment and she's had the crisis team out, you think she should be alone, coping with her children, no support having a breakdown.
Honestly the advice troped out by some posters, it's like they live in some Eutopian dream where the answers just come from having a good think.

I hope you are ok Sodie, just take it at a moment at a time, self care, eat, drink sleep and get him to step up looking after the children, because he did this, he made you ill.

You can sort the rest out once you've stabilized and regained some equalibrium.

Affairs are complex things but the right/ wrong of affairs is absolutely black and white and there is always an alternative choice, and whether to do this or not is always a personal choice. Nobody is forced to choose this. No grey areas there.
Affairs being complex issues in that sometimes in a committed relationship we might fancy somebody else doesn’t excuse anything, when we know that dishonestly pursuing that desire in secret whilst pretending otherwise is plain wrong. No grey there either.
At the point of choosing whether or not to indulge yourself in an affair nobody is more justified by circumstances than anybody else, because there are no justifications for lying, gaslighting, cheating and deceiving your partner in a mutually monogamous relationship.

Nothing justifies an affair, nothing justifies the betrayal and abuse of another person for selfish dishonest reasons.
The cheat might have FOO issues or self esteem problems or avoidant tendencies or attachment issues which make them more predisposed to ignore their conscience and lie about their activities, but these are their issues to work out, not excuses or justifications for deliberately choosing to behave appallingly to someone else.