Am I a rubbish wife?

[Darkmode44]

Both in our 40s. Three kids (16, 14 and 12). The 14 and 12 year old both have special needs and attend a special school. Youngest is severely disabled and needs 1:1 supervision at all times (mental age around 1). Husband works a senior job FT 8-5.30pm hybrid. I was a carer for the kids for many years as they couldn’t access childcare. I now work four days a week, term time only and do all the childcare.

DH has recently started complaining that I’m not very affectionate. Cuddles are never just cuddles though. To be honest I’m a bit knackered and fed up of being taken for granted. I have been feeling very low due to all my responsibilities with work and home. Our youngest son when not climbing on me is quite physical. I do the majority of household chores. DH does the bins, finances, mows the lawn, puts the odd bit of washing in the machine. He doesn’t want a cleaner.

DH has retained his hobbies. He’s out on average 2 full nights, then an hour hockey training another night and then on top of that 2/3 gym sessions. I’ve never had loads of hobbies out of the house but have said I need space when he deals with our children with Sen as the evenings are tough. It doesn’t seem to work though.

I’ve told my DH that I’ve been struggling and I feel quite low and worn out. He then got upset as he said I was criticising him and got quite defensive. He’s generally quite a stressy person and gets quite grumpy. I feel a lot of the time like I’m his support human. I know our situation is more stressful than most but I’m so tired of feeling like he doesn’t appreciate anything that instead of taking more of the load he’s complaining he’s not getting more intimacy.

No. He's a shit husband and father.

What she said.

What @Eyesopenwideawake said! If he wants you to be more affectionate he needs to completely rethink how he's running his life and how he's neglecting you!! In order to be a wife you need a life that isn't just working and childcare.

The only way to carve out time for yourself is to ask for a conversation where you split the evenings into his/yours/both home. You should get the same number of evenings "off" as he does, even if that means he has to drop some of his stuff.

Do the same with chores. There's a card set and boom that can help with this. Split them evenly.

Explain to your DH that you're hopeful that intimacy will improve, but that you suspect it'll be 6 months+ of the new routine before it's really noticeable. It will take ages, because of the level of resentment you already feel towards your DH for selfishly taking all the down time for himself for the past many many many years.

I have tried to say that to it. Relationships take work and it doesn’t work if one person is taking the load and not being thought of and appreciated. He then spun it that he was the same person now as he was when we met. But doesn’t seem to grasp he hasn’t adapted to our situation and he’s not the easiest to approach. For me intimacy is walking next to your partner when you go out. Which I had to talk to him about as he’d just walk off as he said he walked faster than me. I feel like his life is completely unaffected by our children. The only thing that bothers him is he’s not getting loads of cuddles, kisses and sex. But then half the time he’s not here.

Yeah he sounds selfish, immature and completely unaware of how to be an adult and a parent.

Are you happy with him as a husband because I wouldn’t be

I feel like I had this conversation 1000 times with my ex - that in order to want to have sex with him (even exhaustion aside), I did need to actually spend some normal time with him, in the same room, maybe having a cup of tea and general chit-chat. A kiss goodbye/goodnight/goodmorning maybe. Perhaps joining me on the school run or even doing the school run so I could have some (much-needed) sleep.

Instead, he decided that getting up as I was leaving on the school run, going to the gym just when I was getting them again (thus avoiding homework and often dinner time), and coming to bed once I was already asleep (what with getting up an hour or 2 earlier than him) was the way he wanted to play it.

Self-absorbed fuckers some of them.

I think with three children with additional needs you should be getting a carer break and direct payments to provide carer support for you all as a family. Maybe you could get to spend some time doing something you enjoy with hubby or friends/ family. I was in your position.. husband hopeless wrt the care side so I had to get support with our disabled son so I got decent breaks. One of our DP carers also batch cooked meals and cleaned for us .

Maybe show him this thread.

Is counselling an option?

We’ve just been granted direct payments though I know other families locally have struggled to find carers. But it’s something we’ll be looking at. He’ll say that he spends the majority of time with us but he’s out a lot in the week, most of Saturday is spent taking our oldest son to football. It’s hard not to feel resentful when I’m constantly repeating myself. Asking him to help with our younger son and whether we should try and find more therapy. I don’t expect him to shoulder the load, I just expect him to care and give a crap. The odd compliment would be nice or to take an interest in something I’m doing.

I’ve suggested he have counselling as he’s quite an angry person so approaching him with criticism can be difficult. He can be quite short tempered though he thinks over the years he’s gotten better which I suppose he has. He just seems to need a lot of down time but doesn’t seem to realise (or maybe doesn’t care) that I’m then left to deal with our home life and I’m just sick of being taken for granted. I rarely say no to him doing anything but did ask him not to go to the gym one evening at around 6pm as I was shattered and he told me I “…was cutting up rough.” So I just let him go. But I am sick of his behaviour. I’ve laid out how I feel, what I need but it’ll be interesting to see if he changes and makes more of an effort. He says he can’t be jolly and happy at home like he is at work as there’s not much happiness or jollity to be had which felt awful.

You deserve so much better @Darkmode44 I'm actually angry on your behalf. Tbh id be laying an ultimatum down of counselling for you both (only if you want it) or you leaving him.

I'd move heaven and earth to get those carers.. using an agency if need be. Your local parent carer group should help or citizens advice if your getting nowhere. Our local carers charity provide social groups / therapies for a small fee and carers grants which you could use for a gym membership/ evening class / spa day etc .. you usually fill in a form and get a dr of social worker to sign. Make sure your GP knows you are a parent carer .. they can signpost support for you too.

Use what fight you have left in you to sort this before you run out of steam

What is it you think you're doing wrong?

@Watchkeys, I probably don’t give him enough physical attention. I don’t come from a huggy family and I think since having the kids, it has taken so much of me. My body’s not in great shape, I’m perimenopausal. And hugs with my DH even in the kitchen seem to turn into a grope and it’s off putting. I told my DH, I’m doing my best. I just feel utterly bone tired. I feel split so many ways and our youngest is incredibly challenging. I know relationships take work but I feel like I give a lot to my husband but get a lot back emotionally in the way of support so maybe I’ve become more closed off to him.

He just seems to need a lot of down time but doesn’t seem to realise (or maybe doesn’t care) that I’m then left to deal with our home life and I’m just sick of being taken for granted.

I have learnt to just take time for myself, like my DH does, unplanned and just let him get on with it. He can't wiggle out of it (dealing with our home life/kids) if it's unplanned and we literally have no other plans. I feel so much better for it and he gets to understand first hand then that being the responsible parent is hard work too.

Do you ever just take time to yourself?

This was me 2 years ago.

I have left my ex husband. He also was very defensive anytime I brought anything up to the point I would be in tears. I also am a mother of an sen child.

Google carers burnout - that's what happened to me. Instead of getting support, I got abuse of my ex husband. 2 years later and he hasn't changed and I'm thankful he's gone.

You are not the problem.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this selfish, immature and useless man.

It sounds like he's starting to feel he's not getting what he wants from the relationship/ his current life, and men feeling like this will start to look elsewhere. If he can't find someone else, he won't leave. They only ever end it when they have somewhere to go. So there is also a risk he'll stay but continue to feel he's owed more than he's getting and will turn (more) toxic.

Personally I couldn't be with someone so self absorbed and blind to the imbalance of effort in the relationship. But I don't have three children, two of whom have special needs with this man. You are at risk of being left with 100% of the childcare, fighting him for scraps of maintenance while he swans off with someone from the gym who'll blow him more often.

If I were you I'd do two things- try to renegotiate the balance of household responsibilities to the extent you can offer him more sex (assuming you can bring yourself to sleep with him) and use the time that buys you to develop an exit strategy. You will need it sooner or later.

It sounds like your marriage is rubbish imo and communication sounds completely broken (attack and defence both ways and nothing ever getting fixed). You should really try couples counselling before it’s too late. Unless it is already too late of course and one or both of you has checked out.

I’m sorry that this is your life. He is extremely selfish and letting the whole family down in a major way. You need to discuss this with him. The hobbies are excessive when you gave a SEN child, heck even if you didn’t. Why does he get to live a life without family responsibilities.

I’m sorry OP but men like you have described are inherently selfish. He has retained long and varied hobbies and you have worked yourself to the bone as you love your children. X

And I reiterate what the PP said. Men like this start to feel like they’re owed something and become quite resentful of this and may begin to cheat. It is absolutely nothing you have done, didn’t do - you simply tried to create a family with a man who doesn’t have the love, generosity or compassion for it.

If it were me I'd be telling him, not asking, to book a week of A/L so you can book a holiday just for yourself and leave him in charge. Go get some much needed respite...then you might have enough energy to meet his needs for attention. If he complains, just tell him parenting should be 50/50 and with all his hobbies that have gone on for years whilst you've held the Fort at home you are due a week to yourself.

Currently he's behaving like a single tosser with no responsibility. He needs to man up and stop taking you for granted.

Does he seriously think that there is a fair division of labour between you as partners in this marriage? Honestly, hand on heart?

That's the problem right there. He is thinking of you as a faulty domestic appliance.

I'm sorry. Have you considered your options?

To the pp's who are saying things like 'tell him how it is', demand he does more or go off on holiday. Or even more ludicrously 'show him this thread'. Do you realise how reckless your advice is? Have you given any consideration to the likely outcome and resultant consequences for the OP?!

While it might be satisfying in the moment to demand parity, it is likely to backfire so it is seriously risky for OP in her situation. She doesn't work and is already shouldering the bulk of the domestic responsibilities.

He's likely to completely check out of the relationship, resulting in cheating/ leaving. OP will then be left with the kids and little money or help. This DH is hardly going to suddenly take on 50% of the childcare if he perceives he is under unfair attack (in his mind). And especially if he leaves.

Im sorry that this probably sounds very stark OP but there's a woman on another thread who was in a similar situation to you who is now living in temporary accommodation with her kids while the ex lives in the martial home and throws strops every time she asks for anything she's entitled to for herself or the kids. Usual stuff of threatening to go self employed/ take a demotion to avoid child maintenance etc. She is doing a fantastic job of surviving, but she's in a living hell and will likely take years to climb out of it. Meanwhile he's on the pigs back.

These men don't care about their children beyond a superficial sense of 'family man' self. That easily slides away when the prospect of 'sexy man with younger sex bomb on arm' self appears. And it all starts with feeling that they aren't getting enough/ 'what they deserve' at home/ from their 'support human' - ie their partner.

Act now to rebalance the power in your relationship, forget about rebalancing responsibility or effort. That ship has sailed. You need to have an exit strategy or a plan for your life in which you don't need him. You might stay with him with that plan in place, but it has to work for you that he will do less and less in the relationship.