Am I a rubbish wife?

[Darkmode44]

Both in our 40s. Three kids (16, 14 and 12). The 14 and 12 year old both have special needs and attend a special school. Youngest is severely disabled and needs 1:1 supervision at all times (mental age around 1). Husband works a senior job FT 8-5.30pm hybrid. I was a carer for the kids for many years as they couldn’t access childcare. I now work four days a week, term time only and do all the childcare.

DH has recently started complaining that I’m not very affectionate. Cuddles are never just cuddles though. To be honest I’m a bit knackered and fed up of being taken for granted. I have been feeling very low due to all my responsibilities with work and home. Our youngest son when not climbing on me is quite physical. I do the majority of household chores. DH does the bins, finances, mows the lawn, puts the odd bit of washing in the machine. He doesn’t want a cleaner.

DH has retained his hobbies. He’s out on average 2 full nights, then an hour hockey training another night and then on top of that 2/3 gym sessions. I’ve never had loads of hobbies out of the house but have said I need space when he deals with our children with Sen as the evenings are tough. It doesn’t seem to work though.

I’ve told my DH that I’ve been struggling and I feel quite low and worn out. He then got upset as he said I was criticising him and got quite defensive. He’s generally quite a stressy person and gets quite grumpy. I feel a lot of the time like I’m his support human. I know our situation is more stressful than most but I’m so tired of feeling like he doesn’t appreciate anything that instead of taking more of the load he’s complaining he’s not getting more intimacy.

Yes I agree @OlderandwiserMaybe 's advice is pretty spot on. Interested in the comment about counselling not being recommended for people in coercive relationships- can you expand on that @OlderandwiserMaybe

I was previously in a toxic relationship myself and did counselling but found it was all about him - and the counsellor telling me that I needed to communicate better/ alter my tone. In hindsight I think that was bollocks and he was just like OPs husband - an entitled dick who just saw me as either an asset or a disappointment based on whether I was meeting his needs at any given time. Im pretty damaged by it tbh and now believe that most if not all men have this attitude to women in their lives, to a lesser or greater degree.

Sorry OP, not meaning to derail. But I agree your husband is coercive - even if only mildly. Shutting down any discussion that might result in him having to look at his own behaviour or adjust to someone else's needs is classic passive aggressive coercive behaviour.

I hope an expert pipes up with a good explanation of avoiding joint counselling while being controlled/coerced/abused. This happened to a close friend of mine whose moody husband treated her like an underperforming servant. My friend ended up stressed beyond measure because her husband manipulated the counselling, which resulted in my friend being given goals to make her husband feel more loved! They're now divorced and he's still a nasty piece of work of course.

But because these things are not a problem to him, he can’t see why they’d be a problem to me.

This is absolute bullshit (from him). OF COURSE he can see it's a problem for you that he frequently vanishes at the most difficult points of the day. You try turning the tables on him. Announce that you're going out tomorrow night, and every night for the foreseeable (as he has done so far). See how long it takes him to shoot you down, because it would be "a problem" to him.

He is awful, OP. A completely shit husband, father and human. How dare he treat his wife like this. Aren't you angry with him? Probably not, because he's emotionally abused you to think this is all your fault. Ring Women's Aid. Seek individual counselling. Tell people in real life what your life is really like.

No one deserves to be treated like their spouse's slave. Your husband should be your biggest support. Not act like your boss, who thinks he can order you about (and worse). I really hope you gain some confidence from this thread.

@Shetlands yes! This is similar to my experience of counselling. For one session we were asked to bring a list of the reasons we wanted to be together and what we valued about the relationship. I spent hours on my list and a little accompanying speech. When we got to the session I read mine out and then he announced he hadn't 'had time to do his list'. It took me another year before I escaped that relationship. At the time it was happening I was weirdly blind to the bleedin' obvious. (And the counsellor did bog all to help me connect the dots.)

@OneLollipop yes, but the OP is in danger if she makes a knee jerk reaction. He's likely to get nastier or leave. She has three DC and he is the main earner. While it would be satisfying to throw his behaviour back in his face, it risks leaving OP in a much worse situation.

You're quite right, I'm not seriously suggesting she do this - it's more just to illustrate the ridiculous imbalance within the relationship and the level of control this man is exerting. I'm sure the OP can well imagine how he'd react to her announcing she was going out, which is presumably why she's not done this up to now; no one in a healthy relationship with a loving partner would need to fight so strongly for things to simply be fair anyway.

So for the sake of clarity, the suggestions in paragraph two were somewhat rhetorical, OP. The issue isn't, for example,.that you're not communicating clearly enough with him. He KNOWS it's not right or fair for him to leave so much of the hard graft to you. He just doesn't care. He will not change. There's nothing you can do to make him change. Reach out for help and support, it's out there.

I think you need counselling

You need help navigating all this and help with clarity.

Please see someone whilst you try and find space for yourself

I'm exhausted just reading your post I'm so sorry life is so hard. Do you have separate finances? I'm guessing you do if he's out twice every week plus 3 nights at hobbies/gym. I think you need to start with a proper sit down chat. Try to stay calm and unemotional and just state the facts that you are at burn-out point and things need to change. This starts with a cleaner!! What you're having to deal with alone in the evenings is absolutely not normal and he needs to be there more. Could he get up early and go to the gym before work? It sounds like he's trying to avoid being at home. I definitely think that trying therapy would be worth it especially with the challenges you're facing with your children's SEN. Perhaps starting with your own individual therapy would be best. I really hope you get more help soon.

This is slavery.
He doesn't want a cleaner?
Fuck that, divorce and share the childcare 50/50.

SHE DOES FUCKING WORK!

She does everything.

She does everything apart from being a sex worker for her D'h, so he's complaining.

Poor women has no idea how she can relate to her husband because he's not remotely present or interested in her, but he does want her to put out. But she's still on here asking advice like is her fault.

Sorry if I'm so angry, it's just so unfair.
I divorced a horrible man who made it as hard as he could. But then it was over.
Life is a million times better, yes on paper I'm poorer, but if I wanted a clean I could have one.

It's a tired cliche, but you only have one life. Better to take a risk than stay trapped in this cage working yourself to death.

Sometimes he makes me feel in the wrong. He’s so sure of his opinion on how things actually are and it leads me to question myself. I’d say I’m fairly low maintenance. I understand his hobbies are important to him and very rarely say no, even when I’m knackered. I just want to be acknowledged, supported and appreciated. To feel like we’re in it together. I don’t think it has helped by he’s become even grumpier. He’ll ring on his way home from work and I’m having to listen to him moaning about bad drivers or complaining about our teenage son. It’s just exhausting managing him.

He does have some good points but he can be really hard work. I spent the last conversation we had saying how I’d try to do better whereas he didn’t really take any accountability and rambled on about how we moved forward. But a week or so later and there’s no change. I’m not sure to be honest he’s got the ability to change given he’s said he’s the same person he was when we met. Indicates he’s not interested in changing at all.

I have only ever had fleeting thoughts of leaving him but I feel so disconnected from him. That the little I’m asking is too much for him or he doesn’t want to see it. The poster who commented that it’s likely I need more support from him before I can consider imtimacy was spot on. But I don’t think my DH will ever see it that way. In his his mind, he does a lot. And I’m not being affectionate for his liking.

Oh dear.

I have a friend married to one of these.

He has not got better over time. His ego has simply grown as he's got more important at work.

It's very positive that you have a job. Do you have a pension?