Found messages/photos on his phone

[hurtdoesntcoverit]

This is exactly as it sounds and I am broken inside. Just trying to figure out how to handle this.

Other than this a pretty great relationship, full of affection, love, friendship, butterflies for the last 6 years. (not married, he has two children from a previous relationship).

A couple of weeks back I saw a name on his phone it was a women, he was messaging her and quickly jumped out of the message in a guilty way. I ask who it was and it he was 'oh its the guys just sending rude silly pics' I could tell he was lying but didn't push it. Since then he has been cagey, takes his phone to the toilet with him etc. A week later I asked if I could check the mortgage (which was completely genuine) on his phone he was in the room with me and handed it over, as he did a ladies name flashed up as a notification. Last night I did something really bad, he went to quickly send an email from his laptop and forgot his phone and left his phone behind and I checked, there it was... he had been receiving messages and photos. I didn't scroll through, I didn't see any context or length of time. I only saw the most recent photo - It was literally 'I had my hair dyed, do you like it' and a photo, I saw some messages about sending naughty pictures but I got so freaked out at what I was doing and him being in the next room I put the phone done. Don't get me wrong I know I am in the wrong for looking but it confirmed my suspicions.

So I know he is NOT sleeping with her or anything like that, we both work from home and spend weekends and evenings with his children there is very little time spent away from eachother because of our personal set up. However I do not know this lady, she is not a friend, she is not a colleague (he runs he own business which I work part time in and doesnt have employees) he doesnt have sisters, just two teenage girls and I have stalked this women and there is no connection - her profile says she is from a town 200 miles from where we live.

How shall I handle this - I feel that maybe I should just come clean and tell him I looked at his phone and ask him to show me the messages and take it all from there.

This is on a total knife edge for me - in my opinion messaging is still cheating I dont know if he will agree or disagree and if he disagrees then its on me for not trusting him and looking through his phone. It feels like a disaster either way. Please provide any support, guidance thoughts. I am talking to him tonight - full day of meetings for both of us at home.

This is exactly what happened when my ex cheated on me, pretty much to a tee.
However my ex is a woman and I'm a man - so please don't turn it into a sexist 'only men cheat' rant as it's simply not true.
As discussed in my previous posts she was also violent towards me - another thing that seems to be only thought of as men towards women.

People cheat, people can be violent - it's not limited to one gender.

Remember as well , you don't have to have all the decisions made today, you are still in shock

= ie once you confront him you may need time to process , you may decide to stay you may decide to leave but... anything you decide = you aren't bound by , you can change your mind at any point to do what is best for you

Do be prepared for him to try minimise things though . That forum I mentioned earlier has lots of good advice, there is a section called "Just Found Out"

Be kind to yourself & try to make sure you've eaten & kept hydrated even if its the last thing you feel like doing

What a bizarre post
The op is talking about a man - hence my reply is about men & it's not a rant at all

You are projecting your own agenda but this thread is not about you & your problems

Please remain on topic to help the op through this

Firstly stop worrying about snooping on his phone. He's lied and cheated on you (even if only emotionally) .. he has no right to take the moral high ground here.

Secondly I'd try to get a hold of his phone again and see for myself what's been said, before you confront him. That way he can't lie and gaslight his way out of this. Definitely read that article about "The Script". So your prepared for any BS he comes at you with.

Thirdly this doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. Many relationships survive cheating. But it takes work on both sides. He has to be honest with you and take accountability.

Im usually the first to say LTB but you've both had a rough year or 2. By the sounds of it your relationship is fine in every other way. People make mistakes. If he's remorseful and willing to try fix things I think its worth saving. But only you can decide if you want that.

@Straycatblue

thank you so much for the kind words and its so helpful even reminding me to eat and drink. thank you I needed that xxx

I don't think I can take a long wait and consider what to do as some others say gather evidence but at the same time I want to be careful about how I approach it.

Lets be honest I DO NOT want to break up with him, I want to be in a relationship with him because everything else is really good and he makes(made I guess) me happy the problem is HOW can I continue a relationship with him? It depends on the messages, it depends on his reaction, it depends on his concern for me when he is 'found out' and it depends on if he throws 'well you looked through my phone' at me.... and I wont get any of these answers without speaking to him directly. I already spent the entire night awake with adrenalin coursing through my body and blood pressure through the roof, whilst I am resilent mentally to a degree I refuse to put my body through undue stress xx

@manipulatrice @FabFebHalfTerm

thank you for reassuring me on the 'snooping' part I really needed to hear than on this occasion it was bloody needed. I have no issues him seeing any of my messages etc to friends and would freely and happily hand it over...

OK advice please.

I am planning on speaking to him tonight, he has just told me that he is having a terrible day at work, he has lost a contract and been messed around but someone else etc one of his daughters is being a little bit of a pain etc

I still want to go ahead and speak to him regardless but is this the right thing - will I get what I need tonight if he is distracted? or actually is it better because his guard is down a bit? Its so unlike me to not be confident but this is knocking me sideways and I am second guessing myself

@hurtdoesntcoverit I think you would benefit from gathering a bit more information about what the messages are about before you confront him as he is bound to minimise and deny a lot of it.

There is a really good forum called Surviving infidelity, and a specific section on "Just found out"

Go and give it a read.

How you feel today and now is not how you will feel in a few days or a week. Its a rollercoaster.
If you want to stay with him, (which makes him a very lucky man) then you need to address the why's and what's and together what are going to do, and also, what leg work is he prepared to put in to make you feel safe and secure again and ensure its not going to happen in the future.

Please have a look at that forum though, it got me through some very dark times.

@InBedBy10 and @ScabbyHorse I totally get what you are saying but have absolutely no idea how to go about this as generally he keeps his phone on him and I dont know if I can keep waiting for the opportune moment to look, it could take weeks and I just dont know if my blood pressure can take it! I will definitely consider it.... thank you

@manipulatrice reading it all now thank you

(Clearly getting no work done today)

There is indeed a script for cheaters, and what’s not often acknowledged is there is often a script for the betrayed as well. Your plan to follow the betrayed script is going to get you the same result it gets most people which is nothing.

You’re going to confront a liar, he’s going to lie then he’s going to delete all the evidence. And you’ll never know the truth and he gets to remain in a position of power which is taking choices away from you. Within weeks he’ll be telling you he’s sick of hearing it, nothing happened and you’ll be left in limbo not allowed to bring it up again. The very best case scenario is he’ll admit to a bit of flirting and pretend to be disgusted with himself. And he’ll be much more careful next time.

That script rarely works.

Heres what I would do. I would lose or “break” my phone. I would arrange with someone who regularly calls me like my mum to ring his phone at an agreed time and ask is everything all right because they can’t contact me and they’re having some sort of crisis. He will have no choice but to hand the phone over to you. I would wander off with that phone and block the ow but create a new contact for her but with my details.

I would play along for a while. And depending what I found I would either kick him out, get myself a boyfriend or just declare I don’t love him anymore. I wouldn't discuss it and I’d give him the same respect and honesty he’d given me.

Ooooh I like that!

Another thing to consider is how did he meet this woman? If has no reasonable explanation could it have been via an online dating website?

@hurtdoesntcoverit, I agree that after your Partner lied about this woman, and then changed his phone behavior, you had the right to investigate what’s going on.

There’s a big problem in your relationship. Dishonesty. P feels entitled to deceive you, so this isn’t ‘a pretty great relationship.’

For me, lying is a dealbreaker.

@MsDogLady totally get what you are saying, I think what I am trying to highlight and wrap my head around is why has this happened when I thought it was a good relationship. I feel pretty stupid to be honest.

@hurtdoesntcoverit, please don’t feel stupid! His duplicity and investment in an OW won’t be because of you/the relationship. It’s down to his character flaws such as selfishness, sense of entitlement, weak boundaries, and attraction to external validation.

He is responsible for his unethical choices, so don’t allow him to manipulate you with blame shifting or other deflections.

He is crossing boundaries, and you don’t have to tolerate that. You deserve better.

@MrsDoubtfire24 - BIB below, how's the best way to block the contact without it showing? If the partner looked at the OW contact details in his phone, would it show her as blocked? It could alert him to his DP being onto him and ahead of the game?
Thank you for your wise words
"Heres what I would do. I would lose or “break” my phone. I would arrange with someone who regularly calls me like my mum to ring his phone at an agreed time and ask is everything all right because they can’t contact me and they’re having some sort of crisis. He will have no choice but to hand the phone over to you. I would wander off with that phone and block the ow but create a new contact for her but with my details."

If they've been communicating via what's app if won't be possible to change your details to hers as it would show your profile
Picture so I'd think carefully about doing that. Also wouldn't the blocking mean all of the messages go?

If you get another chance, check his internet history. He may have met this woman on a website and is getting his kicks off messaging.

Ultimately though if messaging is a deal breaker to you then you already have proof of that. He doesn’t need to agree and it’s up to you what you decide to do.

I was blindsighted, thought I had a wonderful marriage, I thought we were really happy. Loving, both affectionate, spent time together 121.

He thought I had checked out and didn't want him anymore. I have ZERO idea how he draw that conclusion but that was his reason.

Don't beat yourself up about it, he is to blame. If he had an issue he should've talked about it like an adult.

🤣🤣🤣

Why laugh?

Reread your post

Wondering how the op is this morning