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Original poster

How realistic is finding/experiencing physical attraction when you get older?

64 replies

InTheForestsOfTheNight · 26/02/2024 21:03

Just that really.

My friend and I were discussing our relationships over the weekend.

She is 59 and her partner is a couple of years younger. I'm 49 and my partner is 58. We both started seeing our partners around the same time three years ago and moved in with them around the same time last autumn. We'd both been single for many years beforehand which is why we were discussing it.

I read a thread on here a couple of years ago where a woman in her 40s was told that she couldn't really expect a man to find her attractive or sexy (fancy her really) anymore and that shouldn't be important anymore (even in a new relationship). She was basically told that companionship and interpersonal compatibility was more important than sex. It was a while ago but it really stuck with me because she was a similar age to me.

My friend was saying that she doesn't really fancy her partner but they have sex because it's part of being in a relationship but she doesn't know if they actually fancy each other. I know he actually does find her very attractive because he's told me (and she is very pretty and has a lovely figure).

I just wondered how common it is for people in their late 40s/50s to be with people they find attractive enough to not be put off sex with them but who they don't actually look at and desire.

I suppose I'm also asking because I'm physically very different to my partner's exes. Not better or worse - just very different and I have wondered a few times what category I fall into for him.

If that makes sense?

OP posts:
Soreteatowel · 26/02/2024 21:10

I'm 54 and toying with two men I fancy very much currently. They're similar age and give the impression they fancy me too.

I'm not especially looking for a partner, but I've had some very passionate encounters in the last couple of years. I really hope that's not nearly all over.

Zanatdy · 26/02/2024 21:12

I’m 47 and I absolutely only sleep with men I find physically attractive. Admittedly that’s only been one in the last God knows how long as I don’t really find many men by age attractive. I think because I don’t like bald men and it’s getting harder and harder to find men with hair!

occhiazzurri · 26/02/2024 23:24

I find it odd that you’d be in a relationship with someone you don’t fancy at all. I am early 40s and still look late 20s with the same figure I had when I was in my 20s (size 10) as a result of an intense Pilates and ballet barre regime. There are plenty of people who look after their physical shape and health and are similar to me. I met five of them last week where a combination of running and extreme sports had kept them in top shape. The same cannot be said for a full head of hair so I think you have to have realistic expectations in this respect. But I still find plenty of men in their 40s and even 50s attractive.

jsku · 26/02/2024 23:35

OP - it’s possible your friend’s libido is affected by menopause. And companionship is more what she is after.
As to your respective men - they are unlikely to be with either of your if they didn’t find you attractive. Men are simple creatures where sex is concerned - if attraction isn’t there - there is unlikely to be much sex….
Your partner specifically is 9 years older than you - why on earth are you insecure about him????

EBearhug · 26/02/2024 23:57

I'm 51 and I definitely find some men physically attractive, and some seem to reciprocate that.

Lookingoutside · 27/02/2024 01:33

It’s realistic OP. Entirely possible and out there for you if you want to feel desire and be desired.

Everyone is different, you’re different to your friend and that’s ok. I don’t believe we change much as we age in terms of sex and what we want and need.

There are people in their 40s and 50s who aren’t with someone in the conventional sense but still feel attraction and enjoy sexual relationships.

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 27/02/2024 01:47

I’m 66, as is my DH. We keep ourselves in fairly good shape, sex isn’t as frequent as when we were younger and DH takes blood pressure medication that has some impact on his libido. However we still desire each other and find each other attractive, I couldn’t/wouldn’t have sex with anyone if I didn’t fancy them - that would be awful.

Opentooffers · 27/02/2024 02:08

I'm in my 50's, bloody hope that's not the case as I still have a libido and find desire both ways important. Been OK so far, had some lascivious moments in fairly recent past and intend to again at some point. That's not to say some don't go for companionship as they get older, but that wouldn't be for me, life in the old dog yet.

bragpuss · 27/02/2024 02:44

Men (such as me) can and do find women attractive in their 40s and 50s. So it is realistic. However, for me personally it massively helps if they are a healthy weight. I am a 45yr old baldy so probably unlikely to find reciprocated feelings 😀

Bowbobobo · 27/02/2024 10:37

It’s all about the individual, obviously. For every man in his 50s who only fancies young/slim women there’s one who fancies a woman who is his equal in age and life experience, with a bit more to grab hold of.

i met my DP when I was 56 and size 18, and he was 49. We’ve been at it like bunnies for the last five years 😘. I’m pretty surprised tbh but that’s chemistry for you!

never give up. On anything.

Livelifelaughter · 27/02/2024 10:44

A couple of men I know seem to be after someone similar to them or "better" so a guy I know who is fit and slim said he immediately isn't interested in OLD on someone who only shows their top half as they are likely to be over weight. For me, I make a massive effort in my appearance so if someone did the same that would be enough.

Deargodletitgo · 27/02/2024 10:50

I'm fat and 50, and my DP definitely desires me and I fancy him like mad

Worldgonecrazy · 27/02/2024 10:59

I met my husband when I was late 40s and he was early 50s and we both find each other incredibly attractive. I actually did a double take when I saw the ‘Lady GAGa has sexiest bodyguard’ as I thought my husband was moonlighting from his job 🤩

I used to believe sexual attraction was unimportant but I think that is a lie sold to women as most men turn into Homer Simpson lookalikes when they hit late 40s.

Wafflethewonderdoggy · 27/02/2024 11:00

occhiazzurri · 26/02/2024 23:24

I find it odd that you’d be in a relationship with someone you don’t fancy at all. I am early 40s and still look late 20s with the same figure I had when I was in my 20s (size 10) as a result of an intense Pilates and ballet barre regime. There are plenty of people who look after their physical shape and health and are similar to me. I met five of them last week where a combination of running and extreme sports had kept them in top shape. The same cannot be said for a full head of hair so I think you have to have realistic expectations in this respect. But I still find plenty of men in their 40s and even 50s attractive.

Edited

You almost seem to be saying that only one body type is objectively attractive. And that everyone can have that shape if they ‘look after it’

SheepAndSword · 27/02/2024 11:53

I absolutely don't have a sex drive at present, which is a problem and barrier to relationships. I can think someone is attractive in an abstract way but am very aware they would expect more than a cuddle!

Someone mistook a family friend for my husband this morning and I just said "what?" in a disinterested way.

fantasticpoor · 27/02/2024 13:13

I am in my 50s as is my partner (non live in, if that matters?).

I really really fancy him, in fact I think he's the hottest man I've ever slept with, albeit he is old, bald, slightly overweight. Chemistry is amazing.

I do worry though sometimes that men might be different to us. I can appreciate someone young is attractive but wouldn't fancy them, definitely fancy men my own age in the main (this has obvs risen through the years). For men, not so sure. He obviously finds me attractive or wouldn't be with me or have sex, but I still find it hard to believe somehow, but I think that's because I know the statistics about what age men find attractive.

Basically... 20/21, whether they are 21 or 91. So that's always a worry for women. That if that is what they seek out or what catches their eye, is sleeping with 50/60/70 year old always disappointing if they were honest.

Confused
HomeIsHardToFind · 27/02/2024 13:22

So, I am taking from this thread that you can only be sexually desirable if you stay slim otherwise you are toast after 40!

Epidote · 27/02/2024 13:34

I'm 47 and I find most of the men not attractive as I did when I was younger. My type is still the same but aging accordingly, as example I like dark hair now I like dark hair with grey on it. I don't like young men they look like kids to me.

SheepAndSword · 27/02/2024 14:25

@fantasticpoor that sounds lovely - honestly though quite a few men just view very young women in a sort of fatherly way.

A friend of mine (single) was a bit confused recently when a young woman offered him a drink. I just said I think she liked you! And his response was "she's too young anyway"

EBearhug · 27/02/2024 16:18

Epidote · 27/02/2024 13:34

I'm 47 and I find most of the men not attractive as I did when I was younger. My type is still the same but aging accordingly, as example I like dark hair now I like dark hair with grey on it. I don't like young men they look like kids to me.

I knew I was getting older when I saw one of the lifeguards at the pool, and thought, I'd have been all over him in my 20s, I hope his Mum's proud of him.

occhiazzurri · 27/02/2024 17:17

@Wafflethewonderdoggy ideally society should appreciate all shapes and sizes and colours and that’s what we should be striving for. The beauty industry has definitely made progress to acknowledge this. In real life, I am really not sure that’s the case even if that’s what we as women would like to happen. I am sad for my friends who would probably qualify as plus size and who are really struggling to meet anyone who’s accepting of their size (and given up on dating some of them). Perhaps when they met a SO when they were younger that might have been easier.

Notsuchaniceguy · 27/02/2024 17:56

I am a heterosexual male which is relevant. I'm late 50s. As said in other threads my marriage is failing and has not been sexual for some time. I still find my wife, also late 50s, attractive (but without love the physical aspect isn't going to happen for me).

Slightly tongue in cheek but as far as I can tell from MN as a man in his 50s I am only interested in women in their 30s and ideally in their 20s. Except that I'm not. I have a lot of colleagues in this age range, even one or two who are friends and the idea of a sexual relationship with someone that young makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I have a 29 year old daughter that goes a long way to explain that I think.

Which doesn't mean I can't see when someone is physically attractive. I guess I'm saying I separate the sexual attraction from 'physical beauty'. I see Tom Hardy and Ryan Reynolds for example as attractive to look at on screen but have no desire to have sex with them. Same for women younger than me.

Maybe because it's because I've never been able to separate sex from needing an emotional connection linked to shared life experiences and stages (my horrible affair that led to my second marriage was initially an emotional connection, just a ghastly fucked up one). One the one occasion I was offered sex in my teens with a girl I'd not long known and didn't have much in common with, I fled. I told my best friend at the time who was astonished.

Once my marriage works through the death agonies and I've spent time on my own and done some more therapy I suppose I might think about looking for a relationship. I'd be early 60s then.

Knowing me as I do, physical attraction would grow from emotional intimacy and friendship and that will be with people of my own age group. Maybe that makes me an odd man but I can't imagine a partner younger than me by more than 5 years.

perfectcolourfound · 27/02/2024 18:01

I'm 50s and fancy the pants off DH. And he says (and shows) likewise.

Objectively I know there are men who are more attractive, but I honestly don't get that feeling looking at anyone else, and can't imagine fancying anyone like I fancy DH. The sexual attraction is still very much there. Even when I was in the midst of menopause and sex was less frequent because I was exhausted / it felt uncomfortable, I still never stopped thinking 'phwoar' sometimes when I caught a glimpse of him.

terfinthewild · 08/03/2024 23:31

occhiazzurri · 27/02/2024 17:17

@Wafflethewonderdoggy ideally society should appreciate all shapes and sizes and colours and that’s what we should be striving for. The beauty industry has definitely made progress to acknowledge this. In real life, I am really not sure that’s the case even if that’s what we as women would like to happen. I am sad for my friends who would probably qualify as plus size and who are really struggling to meet anyone who’s accepting of their size (and given up on dating some of them). Perhaps when they met a SO when they were younger that might have been easier.

Edited

Nobody in their right mind wants a really overweight partner (man or woman). I don't know why this is being pushed on everyone and people being made to feel ashamed because they can't force themselves to be attracted to the morbidly obese.

Dovewings · 08/03/2024 23:46

I met my partner when we were both 50. I was very attracted to him and had dated many men my age before. We are now mid sixties and still have that same feeling.