How realistic is finding/experiencing physical attraction when you get older?

[InTheForestsOfTheNight]

Just that really.

My friend and I were discussing our relationships over the weekend.

She is 59 and her partner is a couple of years younger. I'm 49 and my partner is 58. We both started seeing our partners around the same time three years ago and moved in with them around the same time last autumn. We'd both been single for many years beforehand which is why we were discussing it.

I read a thread on here a couple of years ago where a woman in her 40s was told that she couldn't really expect a man to find her attractive or sexy (fancy her really) anymore and that shouldn't be important anymore (even in a new relationship). She was basically told that companionship and interpersonal compatibility was more important than sex. It was a while ago but it really stuck with me because she was a similar age to me.

My friend was saying that she doesn't really fancy her partner but they have sex because it's part of being in a relationship but she doesn't know if they actually fancy each other. I know he actually does find her very attractive because he's told me (and she is very pretty and has a lovely figure).

I just wondered how common it is for people in their late 40s/50s to be with people they find attractive enough to not be put off sex with them but who they don't actually look at and desire.

I suppose I'm also asking because I'm physically very different to my partner's exes. Not better or worse - just very different and I have wondered a few times what category I fall into for him.

If that makes sense?

I understand that but preferences are different.

You might prefer a childless man but would make a compromise if you found him attractive and were compatible in other ways.

I think attraction should be quite important. I could accept someone making a compromise because they would prefer x, y or z aspects of my lifestyle were different but they're not deal breakers. But I think that attraction should underpin a relationship and not be something you're prepared to compromise on if it's lacking.

When I was in my 20’s I found loads of men physically attractive. Now in my 50’s, not so much. I don’t find bald/balding men attractive at all so that rules out 50% of that age group.

We did a hobby together for a few years. So it was a shared interest.

He said he liked the way I handled myself and stood up for myself, and also that I was prepared to say, "Fuck it!," now and again and be up for a challenge.

He also said he'd never really seen me 'like that' but that he liked my personality and I made him laugh and he found himself looking forward to being in my company.

I was ok with that until he once said that one of the other women in the group was 'sexy'. She wasn't the prettiest woman in the group but she obviously had qualities that he admired that I simply don't possess. She and I couldn't be more different in every sense.

It was a comment he made in passing and wasn't an inappropriate comment to make in context of the conversation at the time but the feeling has stayed with me since that he is with me for the wrong reasons.

Yep...and some men prefer the fuller figure

I havent met anyone ive fancied in 4 year ..all the best men are attached.
Its not just physically attractive.. I've had dates (age 51)... OLD and IRL..Im not too picky either...bald, hair, larger, smaller etc. I find their personalities aren't attractive more than anything...and lack of responsibility...men in their 50s! 1 living with parents, never moved out... another lived with sister...another lived alone but didn't want to take initiative and plan a date..that was left to me... another thought he eas gorgeous..he wasnt ..and homophobic, sexist, etc.
I want sex..i like sex but i dont rush into it asap. Probably why im on my own..im ok with that. Rather alone than with any of these men. Theres a reason theyre single

"But I think that attraction should underpin a relationship and not be something you're prepared to compromise on if it's lacking."

Depends. I think there's a difference between not feeling a particular attraction to someone and finding them actually unnatractive. There may be hope in the first situation.

"He also said he'd never really seen me 'like that' but that he liked my personality and I made him laugh and he found himself looking forward to being in my company."

Yes, my bf is also an old friend and said to me once 'yes, the good thing about us is our friendship'. I thought at the time that it could also be our downfall if we are actually better friends than lovers.

Finding a different woman sexy might not be anything to worry about though, except for his lack of tact in telling you.

I should add that I think this is an 'us' problem (or advantage sometimes) and nothing to do with being middle aged.

Gwenhwyfar

I understand what you're saying but I don't think I want to be with someone who doesn't find me actually unattractive

I feel the same. I’m mid 50s and have only cone across about 20 men that were attractive to me. And only one is an ex from 30 years ago. Ive dated lots of men and 95% I wasn’t physically attracted to.

But you don’t need to be attracted to everyone. Even if you're into swinging or something, there's still a limit to the number of people you can go with. People not being attractive to you is a useful filter.

A couple of months ago I was away and staying in a hotel. I got çhatting to a bloke also staying there. We had the most intense connection and the physical attraction was so strong. I'm 51 and he's 46.

Won't see him again as he lives on the other side of the world but for that week, wow! It does happen

My DH still fancies me because I’ve maintained my weight and look pretty good for my age. I don’t fancy him because he’s gained 3st and gone bald. I know he can’t help the latter but I don’t like it.

Having said that, I look around and don’t see many men his age looking much better, with the exception of celebs. When I see men I fancy they’re invariably ten years younger than me.

SoreTeaTowel
No its not over, especially after the menopause!