How realistic is finding/experiencing physical attraction when you get older?

[InTheForestsOfTheNight]

Just that really.

My friend and I were discussing our relationships over the weekend.

She is 59 and her partner is a couple of years younger. I'm 49 and my partner is 58. We both started seeing our partners around the same time three years ago and moved in with them around the same time last autumn. We'd both been single for many years beforehand which is why we were discussing it.

I read a thread on here a couple of years ago where a woman in her 40s was told that she couldn't really expect a man to find her attractive or sexy (fancy her really) anymore and that shouldn't be important anymore (even in a new relationship). She was basically told that companionship and interpersonal compatibility was more important than sex. It was a while ago but it really stuck with me because she was a similar age to me.

My friend was saying that she doesn't really fancy her partner but they have sex because it's part of being in a relationship but she doesn't know if they actually fancy each other. I know he actually does find her very attractive because he's told me (and she is very pretty and has a lovely figure).

I just wondered how common it is for people in their late 40s/50s to be with people they find attractive enough to not be put off sex with them but who they don't actually look at and desire.

I suppose I'm also asking because I'm physically very different to my partner's exes. Not better or worse - just very different and I have wondered a few times what category I fall into for him.

If that makes sense?

I'm 54, my dp is 58 and yes we fancy each other a LOT. Tbh I didn't really understand sexual attraction when I was younger I think. I was very sexual but used to being rejected by the men I fancied, partly because I was so unbelievably needy. I went with men who were objectively attractive (and nice) but who didn't necessarily melt my knickers, because they fancied me. Since I turned 50 I understand my own sexuality a lot better - I enjoy sex with practically anyone, fancy about 70% of the population and only fall in love cautiously and reluctantly.

Eh. DP and I are mid-late 40s and fancy each other immensely. We got together two years ago and we have passionate sex. I'm pretty sure that's normal!

That's not very fair @terfinthewild isn't it more that you are not less of deserving love, respect etc whatever size/age whatever you are?
I've not heard of morbidly obese people forcing people to fancy them?
More that if you are morbidly obese that doesn't mean you can't be a sexual creature too and there's a lid for every pot?

I do think (nice username) there is one group of people out there trying to force lesbians to fancy them and have sex with them, that I can see is a massive breach of boundaries.

This is how I feel too!

DH has aged well, and bar both of us being a little overweight, (which we are tackling) we are very attracted to each other. He was saying the other day how he is very aware that he could be perceived as the dirty old man by the younger generation, so he keeps his comments to himself these days.

I think we have both aged well.

I'm late 40s and my boyfriend is late 50s. We both find each other incredibly attractive. Objectively he is very good looking, not just in my eyes. My libido has been a bit up and down over the last couple of months I think as a result of hrt changes but I still want to have sex with him. I'd hate to settle for a companionship at this age and I can't imagine when I would be ready for that.

I'm late 40s and all the men I find attractive are now in their 50's +. I've had a huge crush on a 60+ year old.

My tastes have changed as I've got older. If I was dating I'd not want anyone under 40 but I would need them to be able to have sex. I'm married so obviously none of this is going to happen, DH is 50 and yet we still have sex and I do fancy him.

I know other men fancy me because I've had offers, been asked out and they've told me if ever I'm single let them know. I'm also overweight but I do take pride in my appearance and dress well (most of the time).

This idea the older overweight women aren't attractive is nonsense and men over 50 can be extremely attractive as well.

Plenty of attraction and desire here (early 50s, early 60s).

He is not my 'ideal type' I suppose, I didn't go PHWOAR when I clapped eyes on him, but his cleverness and sense of humour are a turn-on for me. I have come to appreciate his physical attributes more as the love has deepened - I notice he has beautiful soft skin, shapely calves, a kind face etc - and these are the things I focus on to fuel my desire for him.

There is no question he finds me hot, though I am sometimes at a loss as to why!

People in their 40s proclaiming they look like they're in their 20s is an instant turn off for me. Dated one of these. Absolute nightmare. Couldn't walk past a mirror and constantly droned on "guess my age! Guess my age" so boring....

I think 'early 40s' commenting on sex as an older person is a bit of a stretch anyway. Most people, women especially, are still looking mighty fine in their early 40s. The next 10 years makes a huge difference, that's when your bad habits really catch up with you.

I'm in my 40s, fat (although not "morbidly obese" and I love my body, it's great) and I wouldn't sleep with anyone I didn't fancy! I wouldn't expect anyone to be with me if they didn't fancy me either.

I had a conversation like this with my mother not long ago- she thinks that at my age I shouldn't expect anyone to find me attractive and that companionship is all I should be looking for.

I've got friends for that! I don't want a relationship but I'm not giving up on sex yet.

From my experiences of attempting to date after my marriage ended, I haven't found an issue with men being attracted to me (weirdly, as I'm not all that) or being attracted to some men. My problem is that the men I fancy are NEVER the same men who fancy me. I don't even think there's a discrepancy in the attractiveness levels between the two groups, the ones I'm not attracted to just aren't my type. Guess I'm just destined to be celibate.

My problem is that the men I fancy are NEVER the same men who fancy me.

That's not an age thing though, just much of my entire life. It actually seems to be getting better now I'm in my 50s.

@SuperstarDeejay agree

Hmm.

I do see what you all mean.

I think my partner probably doesn't find me unattractive enough to be put off sex with me but it always feel like it's come out of nowhere and often when I'm looking especially unattractive so I think it must be because he's just feeling horny or something else has got him in the mood and not because he is attracted to me.

It would seem that that isn't most women's experience though.

I am not slim or anything but oh boy, psychological attraction is so real

Hmm.
Wouldn't it be easier to be plus size at 50 than at 30 when most other women and the men they might date are also larger?

I get that many men prefer slimmer women, but as they get older those will become rarer and they will probably (need to) become open to dating a larger woman.

I remember Kilroy Silk saying on tv that when he was an mp he was surprised by how many of the older male MPs fancied Betty Boothroyd.

Wow. I fancy less than 1% of men. Is this a sex drive thing?

I get that many men prefer slimmer women, but as they get older those will become rarer and they will probably (need to) become open to dating a larger woman.

I'm not overweight but it's this attitude that bothers me.

The idea that someone has given up on actually finding someone they do find attractive and is settling for someone they don't because it's that or being single.

Isn't it a commitment phobia thing? You're afraid of getting hurt so your subconscious protects you by finding anyone too keen unattractive. Also a low self esteem thing i.e. I don't want to join any club that will have me as a member.

That's why they used to say 'treat em mean, keep em keen' and 'play hard to get'.

Wow. I fancy less than 1% of men. Is this a sex drive thing?

I very rarely fancy anyone.

I've probably seen half a dozen men in my life in real life who I've fancied without knowing them so based on purely physical attraction.

But it's true for everything. My preference would be a childless man, but I know that they are rare at my age so I am open to a man with children. We make compromises.

Also see Kilroy's point, those men were genuinely attracted to Betty B. Because their tase changed with age.

No, I definitely agree that wanting to have sex with someone isn't necessarily motivated by attraction.

That doesn't mean I don't think YOUR partner isn't attracted to you though. What brought you together in the first place?

Yes, but hardly anybody is slim at 60 and we don't all become celibate at 59.

Yeah, for some of us it grows...

I'm 46, jeez there's a couple of really fit guys in the gym that I sure as hell wouldn't say no to😂. If the looks one of them gives me are anything to go by I don't think he would either.

The last guy I slept with I really fancied and liked (sadly wasn't meant to be).

I'm not going to settle for a man that I don't find attractive. My only stipulations are he has to be kind, treat me with respect and tall, dark and atheltic with a brain (and into sport).