What's the best time to hear something you don't want to?

[Eric1964]

I'm going to have to have a difficult conversation with my wife. I'm going to be telling her that I love her but I'm not happy. If you were in my wife's shoes, when would be the least worst time to hear this? Morning/evening? Weekday/weekend?

Assuming she works, then start of the weekend, so there is time to absorb and discuss before work pressures kick in. Or if kids are more of a pressure then some time, if you can arrange it, when you have time together without them, and in private.

Thank you. No children involved. She works part time from home, and does have significant family pressures. If I could avoid this conversation, I would, but that would be foolish.

Just say you would like to sit down and have a chat and ask when is best

It's nice that you have given this thought.

Ideally give her the maximum amount of time to process what is said without having to deal with work or family commitments. So in the morning or a day when she is free all day, if you can ....

I'm not quite sure whether you are ending the relationship or suggesting working on it - if you are ending it please DON'T have sex her the night before - my ex did that then ended it the next day and I felt completely used. ....

Sex!?! 😂! You haven't read my other thread, have you? Not that you're obliged to, of course, and I do appreciate your advice.

In a nutshell, my wife had an affair 14 years ago and I'm going to tell her it's still doing my head in.

I was thinking evening when she won't feel obliged to respond (she really won't want to even think about it) but your suggestion may be better.

What are your plans for after you've said this? Because I think planning for the aftermath is equally as important as the timing. Have you an outcome in mind for the conversation? Do you intend to leave? Ask her to leave? Tell her that you plan to be separated within a certain time frame and will need to make plans for that? Issue an ultimatum with a request for changes? Because whatever time I heard that, I'd be a bit...and so...? I can't imagine your unhappiness will be the headline news, it will be what you intend to do that matters.

This. Every time

Asking directly (in a good way, will a bit of warning as PP suggests) is always the right way to go, if you really want to get it right.

If someone said that to me I'd want them to come out with it there and then.

@5128gap : some fair points here, and I have given those questions some thought, but

'I can't imagine your unhappiness will be the headline news,..."

Yep, that's what I'm up against.

@Eric1964 yes you’d be surprised, an ex fiancé came home from work and told me he didn’t want to get married and wanted to split up. We’d had sex that morning and were getting married abroad 2 months later.

Yes, and I think my wife would, too.

I'd say first thing in a morning on a day when you're both free to spend time talking about it for the rest of the day. Nothing worse than dropping a bombshell late at night (ruined night's sleep) or doing a bombshell and run (i.e. bad news and then beggaring off for the day), or where your OH will be busy with work or childcare etc and there's no real time for discussion or reflection.

I know, sorry that was blunt. But I read your other thread and I can't imagine any woman in your wife's position with an ounce of emotional intelligence could think you were happy, so I meant that wouldn't be the surprising part of the conversation for her.

What is it you hope to achieve from the conversation?

I'm not saying not to tell her but just wondering what it is you want her to do? Do you just want her to know and acknowledge it? Or to go for counselling again? Or to offer you reassurance and kindness? Or to discuss breaking up?

Do you know what you want from the conversation or is it just a case of you wanting to get it out and see where it goes from there?

@Voone

What happens after the conversation is the scary part. But I can't go on like this.

What are you planning to say? Can you summarise?

Something along the following lines:

• I'm just coming out of a period of bleak depression
• this happens three or four times a year
• since your affair 14 years ago
• this one's worse, which is why I'm saying this now
• if we can't improve things together, I'll have to do my best to do that on my own.

I would agree with the others who say morning /mid morning on a day when the pair of you have time to discuss it .

You sound like a very decent and thoughtful man Eric. Through no fault of your own the last 14 years have been very hard for you and yet here you are still thinking of your wife and how to best present this news to her.

I'm assuming the 1964 in your name is your date of birth. If you stay with your wife another 14 years you'll be 75 then and in a sexless, if not loveless on your part marriage. These next years are precious, you won't get them again.

What you've said above is a very good plan. If you don't or can't make it work with her please don't stay and waste your golden years. Start again. Love yourself and forget all about those mean kids and the hurt your wife caused you.

@SomersetTart : I'm slightly younger than my username suggests, but your kind comments are very well taken.

Its possible her response will be along the lines of 'it was 14 years ago. I can't turn back time and undo it, so what exactly do you want from me?' I would advise that you prepare some quite specific things you want her to change, otherwise it may be a bit vague.

I'm quite sure that will be her first response. The first thing I need to do is to convince her I'm serious and I think that may take time. I imagine I may need, gently but unequivocally, to return to this conversation in the following weeks.

The most important thing, though, is that I want to get across to her that it's not what I want from her, but that either we both change, or I change on my own.

Theres never a good time just come out with it black and white.

If it was me I'd say something like this.
Your not gonna like what im about to say but im not happy and 14 year on i still cant let go what you did to me although i have tried sorry but its not gonna work with us anymore.
I love you but im not in love with you.
I wish well but im checking out I'll get my things.
No ifs no buts no faffing all said and done dont stick around to have long chats say it as it is and go.

Not the best way to some but its how id want to hear it and its how i would say it.
Or you tell her since the affair you have felt like second best since then and can we talk about improving our relationship as you're not happy anymore.

• if we can't improve things together, I'll have to do my best to do that on my own.

What is it you want her to do though?
And how can she help to improve things?

You could just say, "I can't do this anymore. When you hurt me by having an affair I suppose you thought I could get over it but I can't. I think it's time to end the relationship so that we can both find happiness with someone else."

If there are no children involved I would say it first thing on a weekend morning, so that I could get out of the house afterwards. in fact I would choose Sunday if I went out to work on the Monday. For me it would all be about being able to get away.