What's the best time to hear something you don't want to?

[Eric1964]

I'm going to have to have a difficult conversation with my wife. I'm going to be telling her that I love her but I'm not happy. If you were in my wife's shoes, when would be the least worst time to hear this? Morning/evening? Weekday/weekend?

I think you need to be honest with her, your post is very vague.

Does it mean you want to divorce or to try to save the marriage, many men use the I want to work on the marriage when they have no intention of saving the marriage.

Yes be honest and understanding and communicate more as a couple .

I feel awful for not talking to old college friends that I miss from years a go.

You say the affair is still affecting you 14 years on. Did you not deal with everything back then, the details and the reasons. All those questions needed to be asked back then or certainly in the months and couple of years after. When one of you has an affair and you decide to stay together there has to come a time when the talking about it has to finish or you never move on. I was in your position but with children which made it that bit harder. Personally I wish I'd left much earlier instead of dragging on for so many years. It's never the same after a relationship is tainted and tarnished by an affair but in fairness to your wife you can't keep dragging it up. If you can't stop thinking about it now it's time you went your separate ways. Don't waste anymore of your life being unhappy, there's always tomorrow .

I haven't read your other thread but if my partner dragged up something from 14 years ago I'd be a bit confused.

Why are you dragging up something from so long ago?

What do you want her to change tho? You say it's about the affair, she can't change that... So you need to work out what you actually want to be different that CAN be different.

Really this far down the line if you're having episodes of depression the to for tiles a year about the affair, you need to leave and get some counselling for your own sake

@Eric1964

I think you need to decide what it is that you want in life for yourself, that is realistic. Not just what you would like.

You posted here in 2018. Your posts were very similar then too.

And you described how your sex life became very limited and disconnected even before you married. You said it became very basic (getting the job done) and you left her to finish up by herself. (Why she didn’t run then is beyond me)
Then you still decided to marry her.
Then she had an affair that was clearly driven by unfulfilled sexual needs.
Then your sex life stoped a few
years after that.

You can’t change the past. But your sex life really died roughy 25 years ago, at the start of the relationship.
Affair was just another symptom of the original problem of sexual incompatibility. It is time to accept it and move on in some way or other.
Your sex life with her can not be fixed.

There is nothing you can tell her to resurrect it now. Doesn’t matter what time of day you pick to talk to her.
As far as she is concerned - your marriage is based on another sort of connection - and sex is not part of it.

So - if sex is the main issue getting you down - there is no solution other than divorce, or an open relationship. You need to face reality and stop being stuck in this self-pitying cycle. You have wasted a long chunk of your life on that.

Isn’t it time?

Hello Eric,

I am not exactly sure what it is that you want from your wife. You say you would tell her you will leave if the things do not change, but I do not understand what can change. What she did all those years ago cannot change, you say you tried therapy and it did not work. It seems to me that you do not really have a choice but to separate. So, no need to worry about timing, there is really not much to discuss. Good luck!

That's just about the bleakest thing I've ever read.

@Eric1964

Yes it is.
Main question is are you going to continue living with your head in the sand or are you ready to do something different.

Your comments are perfectly reasonable and I appreciate you taking the trouble, as little as I like reading them. It's not that my head's in the sand: I know where I'm at. The question is, can we have a meaningful relationship? No-one can possibly answer that but me and my wife. I came here for perspective and I've certainly got that.

@Eric1964

Of course you can have a meaningful relationship - it just depends on your definition of ‘meaningful’.

If your definition includes hope of restarting some sort of sexual relationship with her - then the answer is NO. That sort of meaningful relationship is not possible after 20+ years of sexual incompatibility. If that could’t be fixed when you were in your 30s - it certainly can’t be fixed in your 50s.
If you are still holding out hopes that there is a way for it to improve - than your head is deed deep in the sand.

But - if ‘meaningful’ relationship means improving other aspects of your relationship - how you are with each other; how you communicate; your daily life; what you do, etc - most of those generally can change of both people put in an effort.

@jsku :

"If your definition includes hope of restarting some sort of sexual relationship with her - then the answer is NO."

You're probably right, but I'm intrigued by your very high level of certainty. It's almost like you're actually my wife, and you've worked out my identity!

Dont beat about the bush, 5am Monday morning is perfect time

@Eric1964

There is no crystal ball required. Your situation is not unique.

Ask yourself - why would she (or anyone) want to repeat unfulfilling and unsatisfactory experience - of any sort really.

Unless she decides she doesnt want to divorce and so can do maintenance sex.
Is thar what you want?

You don’t need to convince her you are serious. She knows that you are NOT serious about leaving because you are still there .

She also knows you are not serious about you both changing, because have been waiting 14 years to change and it’s still the same.

SHE is not going to change because she likes things the way they are. And so do you, to some extent.

So I don’t see the point of the conversation you are planning . What do you want - an open marriage or a divorce ? Pick one, draw up some plans for how you think it would work and sit down to discuss these plans with her.

If your option is divorce, then get sone legal advice first. You don’t have to tell her that you’ve done this, but there’s no point in you coming up with a divorce plan that won’t work legally and financially.

The question is why would you want a meaningful relationship with someone like this?

My marriage ended on the day before Easter weekend which was really bloody convenient because it got me out of plans with my in laws and I had 4 days to deal with the immediate aftermath

If someone wanted to talk with me about something serious, I would want to have that talk immediately. If you say "When is a good time to sit down and talk?", I would just be wondering and obsessing over what it is you want to say, and I would be really worried.

Just say it!

OP, you sound sensible and considerate. I hope it will all work out for you.

That tells you everything then.

Agree with @jsku
This won't be fixed and I'd be 100% certain about that.
These long term problematic dead bedrooms are never fixed.

I read your post from 2018 and either she was never into you from the start or else this all occured because of the pattern that developed early on where she felt you were nagging her for sex and then sex became just duty sex.

It's pretty much impossible for a happy, healthy, mutually fulfilling sexual relationship to develop when a couple have lived with a problematic dead bedroom for that long, it's been like this for over 2 decades now.

TBH I can't see the chat going well if you're sitting her down to say you go through 3-4 depressions every year and are linking it back to the affair....especially if she knows if what you're getting at is that you want her to start to see you sexually. She will hear that you are blaming her for the depression, which is a lot to put on someones shoulders, especially if it comes across like you're saying I need you to have sex with me to stop these depressions, which is how she'll be likely to take it. Most likely she will be angry and defensive, and what will most likely happen is that she refuses to engage and discuss it or else gets mad at you.

This is probably the time when OP again disappears for 5 years and would resurface with same exact post…
Facing harsh reality requires strength. Changing life and relationship often needs a catalyst - and unhappiness alone is not enough.
This is a situation when an another affair could be a blessing in disguise - to break up this limbo and free both of them.

@Eric1964

If you are going to have that conversation it has to be done when you are ready. It doesn't matter what time is for the other person, there is always going to be bad timing for both of you.
You need to be calm and completely knowing what you are going to say.

Before the weekend, weekend is ruined so next week. In the morning, day is ruined so the rest of the week. At the beginning of the week. Week is ruined.

Don't through it to her in an argument or in a really bad day but that is just because you both will need to be calm. But as I said there is no good timing.