Aftermath of an affair: long-term

[Eric1964]

I was probably a fairly sensitive child. Playing with friends, just occasionally they would gang up on me - verbally, not physically. I hated it.

My wife had an affair over a decade ago. An aspect of this which has, surprisingly, just hit me now is this same phenomenon: I know they had sex in our bed and discussed our rather poor sex life.

It's the same vibe as friends ganging up on you, but worse: wife brings a horrible man into your marriage, and they form an alliance against you.

How strange, and how deeply unpleasant, that these thoughts have taken almost fifteen years to surface.

Didn't want to read and run op. Have you considered considered therapy? Sorry you're going through this

Did you have any couples counselling or independent counselling at the time?

We often choose partners who echo behaviours and emotions that are (although painful) somehow familiar.

We went to Relate and it was surprisingly poor (just my experience.) I expected it to be very challenging - even to me, the faithful partner - but it descended into a cozy chat. I tried just talking to my wife but I think she was literally unable to face it. So, I buried it - but it won't stay buried. I carry a weight around and have three or four short but very bleak episodes of depression a year.

I'm getting help from a friend, and considering counselling for myself, the purpose of which would be to decide my next steps.

I think that's a sound plan going forward.

OP - with respect - a decade ago you decided to stay and mend your marriage, rather than leave.
Have you and your wife actually fixed the "rather poor sex life" you are referring to?

Her having an affair - is one issue. You chose to stay in the marriage.
But bad sex life is an unrelated issue to the affair - and her talking about it to anyone isn't really what you need to focus on. Bad sex doesn't make for a good marriage. Affair or not.

Individual counselling for you seems like the best way for you to deal with whatever issues you seem to be carrying from your childhood.

@Sashya We last had sex six years ago, so there's your answer. I don't want to bore you with the details but, in a nutshell, she fell in love with me (genuinely, and she couldn't wait to get married) for my intellect and character, but not physically. Over the years, piecing things together, the men who turn her on are (physically) strong, or powerful, and I wouldn't say I fall into those categories.

People's opinions may differ, but I think physical chemistry is important. My wife does it for me (although I've been forced to switch that part of my brain off), but I don't do it for her.

It was a huge betrayal of trust. I am not surprised you still think about it and sometimes it can take years to join the dots on why things hurt us in particular ways.
If your wife apologised and asked for forgiveness that is one thing but if she justified or was in denial that is quite another and not something I could cope with.
Whatever your sex life is does not mean an affair is ever moral or kind behaviour.
Hope she bought a new bed. I think bringing someone into your home and your actual bed is a whole other level of disrespect.
Sorry you are going through this and I hope you can explain to your wife how you feel in the hope of a honest and better relationship or whatever direction you choose.

And, regarding issues from childhood - what I mentioned in this thread really was only one tiny part of this whole sorry business.

@Eric1964

Marriage doesn't have to fit some pre-defined mould. If you don't have physical chemistry, but your relationship is based on intellectual connection - than it is what it is. You marriage can be that. However - being sexless isn't a solution.
Why not let each other have sex with people that turn each of you on?

I feel huge empathy for you after what you've written. I can only imagine how painful it's been and clearly, still is. There's nothing remotely comparable to the impact of this particular type of betrayal, it's so deeply, undeniably personal.

May I ask, how did you eventually learn what was going on? Were there subtle signs you noticed in her behavior but chose to ignore? You say she found you undesirable physically speaking, I'm wondering how subtle she was with sharing that knowledge?

I'll completely understand if it's still too sensitive to discuss - no worries.

Kind regards

Do you think you may both be happier alone and/or in time with someone else? If you’re not what floats her boat physically so be it, but you will most definitely be someone’s type and everyone deserves to feel wanted and secure in a relationship.

It might be worth getting yourself a copy of ‘cheating in a nutshell’ to help you understand the trauma you have been through. It sounds as though you haven’t healed but have just tried to rugsweep your pain to keep the peace and save your marriage.

Cheating is 100% the fault of the cheat. What did your wife do to understand why she felt so entitled and selfish to do this to you?

FWIW you sound like you’re in a sex less marriage with a women who is choosing to stay because it suits her but your needs are far down the line. This is unsustainable.

You can walk anytime after infidelity in your marriage you’re not bound by anyone to stay. FWIW your wife sounds like she’s half arsed your reconciliation and your resentment (rightly) is building.

Its time to be your own best friend you deserve to find happiness.

You don’t have to stay in a relationship that is making you revisit trauma from your youth, or which has become sexless against your inclination. You chose previously to stay after an affair; you don’t have to carry on making that same choice if it’s no longer working for you.

Subtle signs? If only. Firstly, the man's wife knocked on our door one evening and accused my wife of the affair. As she brought no evidence, I told her to go away, and my wife denied it. Then I found some texts...

I assumed the affair had ended. Six months later, I received a large envelope at work. It contained print-outs of all the messages between my wife and this woman's husband (I assume it was she who'd intercepted and sent them) over the previous six months. Lots of details of the sex. Devastating to read, as you can imagine.

Regarding our sex life, she just made it clear that sex was a chore. She's never said she doesn't find me attractive: that's just the inevitable conclusion I've been led to.

@Blankspace4 : Being absolutely realistic, I don't know whether I'd be happier. I've invested so much in this relationship: but I'm not happy now.

@Usernamechange1234 : I'm only just beginning to understand the trauma.

@SoundTheSirens : You are right.

I've invested so much in this relationship: but I'm not happy now.

Don't waste the rest of your life on the sunk cost fallacy.

I am very grateful to you all for taking the trouble to reply. I wish I could tell you everything, but it would be too self-indulgent! You're not a free counselling service :)

A couple of things, though -

During my marriage, and probably before we met, my wife has had some serious mental health challenges. It wouldn't be right for me to go into detail. Me telling her I'm not over the affair will come as an unpleasant shock to her. I've reached a point I think - literally in the last seven days - where I can't keep it to myself any longer. Strange, eh? Why now after 14 years? Well, there was a trigger: something fairly specific and, at first glance, trivial she said that affected me in three ways: it reminded me she does (or at least did) like sex with the right man; it reminded me that, over the years, she'd given me clues to her attitude to affairs, and it reminded me of an incident which happened during her affair, which was one of the cruellest things a loved one - or anyone - has ever done to me.

(Well, not to be mysterious: during the affair but before I knew about it, she put on a really sexy dress for her works Christmas party. I wanted to rip it straight off again. Then, I went and picked up the OM, drove him to our house whilst she finished getting ready, then gave them a lift to the party. She came home with ripped tights: no prizes for guessing how that happened.)

Lastly for now: this is a public forum; you can say anything you want, and you don't owe me your help. But - the advice and help I need is, what do I do now, not what could I have done differently. But I appreciate all your comments.

Hi Eric,
what are your reasons for staying with your wife despite how you feel about her rejection of you sexually and the affair?
im not saying the above to be sarcastic, I just genuinely think it would be helpful to you to figure out what keeps you in the marriage. Are the things that keep you in the marriage enough for you to be happy for the rest of your life?
what would life look like for you if you were to leave? Would you feel like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders or would you miss the connection/companionship you two share?

During my marriage, and probably before we met, my wife has had some serious mental health challenges. It wouldn't be right for me to go into detail. Me telling her I'm not over the affair will come as an unpleasant shock to her.

I’m sure it would, OP. No one is saying it would be easy for either of you. But that still doesn’t have to be a reason to stay.

My husband has a chronic MH condition, so severe he was medically retired because of it. To my knowledge he’s never cheated on me but if he did, the existence of his illness would not be the deciding factor in whether or not I stayed. Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behaviour or a get-out-of-jail-free card to escape the consequences of one’s bad behaviour.

@SoundTheSirens : You're right.

@Mummysgogetter : An analogy - imagine your child committed a cruel act. Imagine how much you love your child. How do you feel? That's my attempt at a short answer before I go and change my library books.

She had sex with another man in your bed . In your home She has no respect for you O/P . If you don't have children i would go and never look back . I think you deserve better.

Thanks for the reply earlier. What to do is leave, as much as it'd hurt. An enemy would tell you to stay there torturing yourself. I'd further suggest that to do as she did (denying involvement with her AP's angry wife at the front door) would require SAS standard nerves of steel, mental health issues notwithstanding.

Your wife knows a thing or two about self preservation clearly. Well I would follow her example, right out of her life and thrive alone. Perhaps write about your unpleasant childhood, change the characters and outcome, self publish, why not?! You don't know what you're capable of until your backs against the wall. Could be a very decent burial for that chapter of your past.

Perhaps it'd finally help process that original pain, using the same intelligence and sensitivity you've displayed here?

Just a thought.

Best of luck Champ

That's a perfectly reasonable suggestion but it would involve me having to attract a woman into my bed and that's not exactly a given. My wife, on the other hand, probably wouldn't have too much trouble. Market forces, supply/demand etc etc.

@Mydentity101 : I did consider going back on the stage - I was a reasonably successful stand-up comedian in the 90s. I must add, though, that my childhood was really pretty happy, and the example I gave was just an analogy, and by no means a frequent occurrence.

I sort of know how you feel. My husband had an affair 20 years ago. We split up for 2 years as I was so angry but then we got back together later on. Nothing has happened since but I still think about it.