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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend’s friends

58 replies

ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:29

My boyfriend went out for a night out last week with three of his friends. I had absolutely no problem with this and hoped he had a nice night out.

he seemed to enjoy it but then a few days later let slip that all of the wives and partners of the other men were there. He then admitted that they wives etc come most times the friends meet up.

when we first got together, he didn’t tell his friends we were together for a couple of years.

he says he didn’t ask me because he didn’t think I’d want to come.

im quite upset about this but he says that I am overreacting. Am I?

OP posts:
mintich · 24/02/2024 17:34

I'd be really upset about this. Why aren't you invited?

Original poster
ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:37

He says that I am welcome to come but didn’t tell me anything about it. I thought it was a group of men meeting regularly, so didn’t want to attend that. It’s different though when it’s a couples meet up isn’t it? That’s how it feels to me.

One of the couples has a young baby so would have had to have arranged childcare. So clearly not a spur of the moment decision!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 24/02/2024 17:38

No, you're not over reacting.

Why does he think you wouldn't want to come?

Why would he choose to go out with his friends and their wives/girlfriends regularly and never invite you? What does he say?

"I didn't think you'd want to," is not a good enough reason. He needs to be able to explain this.

Pinkbonbon · 24/02/2024 17:38

All the red flags are waving.

He 'let it slip' that all the wives were there and them told you they usually are. Obviously a hurtful thing to tell you. Then he chastised you for 'overreacting' by being hurt by this Obviously hurtful reveal.

You know that he set you up to be able to tell you you were overreacting right? He hurt you deliberately and now is making you out to be the issue, via gaslighting.

I mean the whole keeping you a secret for 2 years was likely part of this too. Just to make you feel 'insecure' or 'not enough'. (Assuming that he wasn't just hiding you from another woman that us).

Listen up - your feelings are valid.
I'll say it again - your feelings are valid.

Your 'partner' is a bastard. Why on earth are you tolerating this shit?

A real partner delights in showing off his woman to his friends. This guy...isn't it.

Get him in the bin.

Original poster
ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:39

Im not a massive one for socialising. I don’t like loud pubs or clubs. However, this was a meal at a really nice restaurant - it would have been right up my street!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 24/02/2024 17:39

This is not the man for you. He doesn't see you as his best friend and doesn't have your back.

DistingusedSocialCommentator · 24/02/2024 17:40

he is not for you. I've seen this beviour by a relative. He was in a shop with his GF who is from a different background - the small shop keeper asked if that was his GF - he said "no" - the GF told one of our children and a few weeks later they were split up.

TheSnowyOwl · 24/02/2024 17:41

Is he embarrassed of you? What is the issue that he is effectively hiding your existence in his life from his friends?

Original poster
ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:42

I don’t know. Perhaps he is ashamed of me. I’m not that pretty and am quite overweight.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:43

But I’ve looked like this since we got together.

OP posts:
Surfapparel · 24/02/2024 17:43

That's so hurtful, I'm really sorry. I think there is obviously another reason and he is trying to get you to drop it. That's so unkind of him.

Pinkbonbon · 24/02/2024 17:44

Also...i still can't wrap my mind around him keeping you a secret for two years and you just going along with that.

Does he have a golden cock?

Come on now op enough enough.

You gotta learn to love yourself. That's never going to happen whist dating this headfucking arsehole.

Bubblybooboo · 24/02/2024 17:44

Why didn’t he tell his friends about you? That’s really odd and not at all normal. Also not normal inviting you when it is a ‘couples’ event. Something is off. I’d be upset in your shoes op

5128gap · 24/02/2024 17:45

He doesn't think you will gel with his friendship group. It doesn't necessarily mean he is embarrassed by you, he could be embarrassed by them. You need to ask him why he doesn't include you.

TheSnowyOwl · 24/02/2024 17:45

ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:42

I don’t know. Perhaps he is ashamed of me. I’m not that pretty and am quite overweight.

He’d be a total twat if that’s what he’s embarrassed of!

I was really thinking of a friend of mine who prefers her DH not to come out when alcohol is involved as he is an obnoxious drunk and she always apologises for how embarrassed by him she is.

GreyCarpet · 24/02/2024 17:46

TheSnowyOwl · 24/02/2024 17:41

Is he embarrassed of you? What is the issue that he is effectively hiding your existence in his life from his friends?

The only times I have experienced this, it was because 1) he was embarrassed that I wasn't as attractive as the other wives/girlfriends and 2) he felt people would judge him for not having a girlfriend who was significantly younger, beautiful and slim.

Disclaimer - there is nothing wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with you either. He's just another inadequate man.

Original poster
ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:47

@GreyCarpet hes told me that he thinks I am the least attractive of all the partners.

Writing this down sounds a bit surreal

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 24/02/2024 17:47

Do you ever go out together yourselves? Or does he make excuses then aswell?

he sounds horrible.

Pumpkinpie1 · 24/02/2024 17:47

You deserve better OP

Bubblybooboo · 24/02/2024 17:48

ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:47

@GreyCarpet hes told me that he thinks I am the least attractive of all the partners.

Writing this down sounds a bit surreal

Well….there you go then.
He’s a shit heap of a person. I’d do some thinking about if you want to be with someone who says things like that and excludes you from their social circle.

GreyCarpet · 24/02/2024 17:50

ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:47

@GreyCarpet hes told me that he thinks I am the least attractive of all the partners.

Writing this down sounds a bit surreal

Seriously, dump him.

You deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with you.

This will destroy your self esteem and can't make you feel great when you go out with him.

Motnight · 24/02/2024 17:52

ChrisHuw · 24/02/2024 17:47

@GreyCarpet hes told me that he thinks I am the least attractive of all the partners.

Writing this down sounds a bit surreal

Come on, Op. You are worth more than this.

Pinkbonbon · 24/02/2024 17:52

More likely he's just a standard abusive jerk who wants you to feel insecure in yourself. There's nothing wrong with you op. Even if he and his friends and their partners were all supermodels (which I very much doubt) a proper man likes who he likes and doesn't care what others think.

He certainly doesn't let his girlfriend feel insecure or unappreciated. He goes out of his way to make her feel loved. To reassure her. To tell her that he's the luckiest guy in the whole world to have her and that she is beautiful.

This jerk isn't remotely in your league because instead of caring about your feelings and understanding your perspective...he tells you you're overreacting when HE'S the one who fucked up. What a loser.

Run for the hills lass!

Kittycat333 · 24/02/2024 17:53

He's a cunt who is ashamed of you. The friends probably don't know about you. Dump him.

Wooloohooloo · 24/02/2024 17:54

He was probably involved with someone else or talking about other women.