I think from now on my default setting will just be grumpy, moody cow that makes no effort

[TheSalesGirl]

I'm sick of being a nice, decent person and just getting treated like shit by friends. I'm always upbeat and try to be fun and friendly but it really doesn't do me any favours. Those that 'say it like it is' and are grumpy and offhand all the time have people clamouring to kiss their arses.

I'm currently on holiday with DH, and another couple we are good friends with. They asked if another couple could come too. And lo and behold the three men have all gone off together all week and got on fine but I'm left out by my friend and her other friend. They've been whispering, disappearing off for walks leaving me in the apartment and just generally being 'besties'. If I speak their eyes glaze over.

Why is it always me this happens to? Why, for once can't I be the one that someone actually wants to gravitate towards and it be some other person being the third wheel? It's always me. And this is a so called good friend who has done this.

I really feel like from now on I'll just be moody, offhand and snappy and just not bother with friends

You're focusing your upset in the wrong direction here.
Yes, the women sound like bitches and the friendship is obviously not a friendship but come on wtf is your dh doing leaving you on your own
Forget trying to fit in with these women, your dh should be spending time with you. You need to make sure he spends the time you've got left with you
Never go on a holiday with these couples again

Friendship with you, OP, is an exclusive members' club, and they don't make the grade.

Such a dick move. He's more concerned about being accepted as one of the boys, his image, and not rocking the boat than he is about you. Surely he isn't blind - he can see you're alone on holiday yes??

What's the point of going on holiday with your husband if it ends up being a 'girls' trip with women who don't actually like you??

Your DH is a problem and unsupportive.

Agree that people pleasers fall by the wayside as they can appear inauthentic and you are never sure what they are really thinking.

I would have just said no to the extra couple. That’s your issue you have no voice. You don’t know how to be assertive and you thinking people are grumpy and make no effort it may just be that they have boundaries. Even in a decent friendship group three is the hardest number.

I've just been largely ignoring them today and they've had the audacity to ask DH why I'm in a bad mood!

I agree, I do need to have better boundaries

So just tell them!?

Tell them. Think you need better 'friends' in general rather than a grumpy default setting. And a more supportive DH who involves you if he sees that you are being left out.

Say something to them!

They are making it your problem, they've Darvo'd you and are now enlisting your husband to back them up.

I should imagine for an easy life and to be liked he will place the blame at your door, because he's got no backbone and pathetically sides with bullies.

He's seen you being sidelined, marginalised and lonely and has done nothing to support you.

This. In spades.

I should imagine for an easy life and to be liked he will place the blame at your door, because he's got no backbone and pathetically sides with bullies.

He's seen you being sidelined, marginalised and lonely and has done nothing to support you.

This! I planned to say similar. I think your DH has sacrificed you so that he can be one of the lads.

I'm so glad to be coming home today!

I hope you are ok and sorry that what should have been a fun relaxing time was anything but!

Sorry youve had such a rubbish holiday and hope you get home with no problems.

Honestly, in your situation, I'd use this travel time to have a think about where you'd like to be in 6 months. Start prioritising yourself, do things that you always wanted to do. You seem to have ended up in a corner with your DH doing whatever he wants and you left in his wake just "making do". Well fuck that! Go and get what you want, be a bit selfish, be kind to yourself.

I hope you can get to a much happier place, you deserve that.

TheSalesGirl · 23/02/2024 21:58
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@AutumnCrow bike rides mostly! And going to bars”

Why have you tolerated this?

So, I blanked both at the airport and on the flight and just sat with DH and read a book. When we'd got our luggage I just walked off through customs and didn't say bye to anyone.

When I got home my 'friend' text me and asked if I was ok and why didn't I say bye and I text back saying that she and her friend had ignored me and been bitchy all holiday.

She replied saying the other woman is a very good friend of hers and she was enjoying the opportunity to spend time with her and if I didn't understand that then I wasn't much of a friend.

So I replied 'Nice!'. And then deleted her from social media, blocked her and blocked her number on my phone.

Good for you! Some people are selfish aholes. Fine if she wanted to spend a bit of time with just that friend but not to do that when it meant leaving you alone and also certainly not fine to do it all week. It's hurtful but I always view these things as positive as ultimately you've got rid of a dickhead from your life. People that will do things like this also tend to be the people that will talk about you behind your back. Good riddance.

Well done on blocking them.

What are you going to do about your DH problem now OP? It was not ok that he knew this was happening and did not support you in fact wanted you to keep the peace! So their feelings were more important than yours...

As mentioned, are you happy in general? I do feel that if you are generally unhappy in life it can make people subconsciously avoid you. It’s not your fault but if it is an ongoing issue and you want to resolve it maybe look at how you can try and do whatever you need to go to get happy. Stop just indulging all your DH’s hobbies and friendships and cultivate your own.

Brilliant result! Well done!! Now make sure you surround yourself with only decent people - you could try Meet-Up!

I think you are beggining to see the deficits in your husband now, it is no way anything to do with you.

He's been unkind, weak and unsuportive, all that just so he could be liked, he threw you under the bus for his own ego.

Tell him, you think less of his character, he's a weak willed arse licker, you are not, he sounds a fool. Just make sure you don't put yourself in a possition whereby you have to trust or rely on him again, he's not a safe partner.

Well she isn’t much of a friend to leave you out!

Well done OP. Now maybe you need to tackle your H’s lack of support.

Excellent. You will be much happier for it. Some friends just want you around to make them feel good about themselves.

You are free.

They sound like school kids quite honestly and your husband needs a good kick up the backside. Close the doors on people who no longer serve you, in other words those two for a start and gather only people who are like you and if it was me, I'd choose you 100%. Don't change, just choose and be who you are. I'm so sorry, this was so awful for you, you're not alone though, there are a lot of us out there, just be very choosy and good for you for blocking her, with friends like that you don't need enemies as the saying goes.

Sometimes nice people end up forgiving redflags and giving benefit of the doubt to their detriment. Maybe you ignore red flags because you're too nice and let them push your boundaries

Sorry just saw your update well done!