I think from now on my default setting will just be grumpy, moody cow that makes no effort

[TheSalesGirl]

I'm sick of being a nice, decent person and just getting treated like shit by friends. I'm always upbeat and try to be fun and friendly but it really doesn't do me any favours. Those that 'say it like it is' and are grumpy and offhand all the time have people clamouring to kiss their arses.

I'm currently on holiday with DH, and another couple we are good friends with. They asked if another couple could come too. And lo and behold the three men have all gone off together all week and got on fine but I'm left out by my friend and her other friend. They've been whispering, disappearing off for walks leaving me in the apartment and just generally being 'besties'. If I speak their eyes glaze over.

Why is it always me this happens to? Why, for once can't I be the one that someone actually wants to gravitate towards and it be some other person being the third wheel? It's always me. And this is a so called good friend who has done this.

I really feel like from now on I'll just be moody, offhand and snappy and just not bother with friends

Grab a bike and go bar hopping with the blokes? I think that’s what I’d be tempted to do.

I do know exactly how you feel though. It’s shit when at 30, 40, 50 you end up feeling like you’re 12 again and standing on the playground on your own. I don’t understand either why it’s the rude gobby ones who only think of themselves who end up with all the friends while the quiet pleasant ones who would do anything for anyone end up on the outside.

Seconding the don't give them any emotion or drama, I remember similar way back when at uni, as soon as I stopped letting them see how they affected me, it actually stopped giving them fuel for the 'us vs you' dynamic and when they weren't bitching together, they had little to talk about! Go and do something nice yourself don't make a big thing of it. Remember when they go low you go high. And the holiday would be end of the friendship for me, possibly the marriage too.

Oh and I would expect your friend will try make out its your fault
'Oh you should have said!
'I thought you were wanting some down time'...

I certainly would not be friends with her anymore once I arrived home.

Also you're better off without them, I'd rather be doing stuff alone than mix with horrible bitchy people like these two.

They're clearly not your friends, and sound like they don't like you tbh.

I'd actually leave now (honestly I would, even at the cost of extra plane tickets) - make everyone feel absolutely shit

I'd join them, sounds more fun.

People can be not very nice.
I don’t think that means you have to also turn into someone who is not very nice, but I think you need some boundaries.
I agree with other posters that your DH needs to stand up for you more and spend some time with you. I was going to say he should have done this as soon as it became obvious to him that you were unhappy and being badly treated by the other two women, but actually, he is on holiday with you, but going off all the time with the other two men? It would not be difficult to plan a day just with you.
Holidays - for me anyway - are an investment of money as I don’t have a lot of it. I would be pretty pissed off at my time and money being wasted if I was travelling with people treating me like that and just go and do my own thing.
Hopefully your husband treats you better when you are at home.

If this really does always happen to you, and you are always the one being left out, and nobody gravitates towards you, then I think there is something to your sense that you are being ‘too nice’.

You spend time with people you don’t seem to like for the sake of being positive / nice / getting on with everyone.

You don’t stand up for yourself, or proactively try to make the situation better / more enjoyable for yourself. And you have chosen a husband who is similar (doesn’t want to make a fuss), but also expect him to do for you what you won’t do for yourself, and resent him for not doing it. This leads you to feel like a victim.

It’s very hard to build a close friendship with someone who is always trying to accomodate what everyone else might possibly want. It’s hard to get a sense of who that person really is.

You don’t need to be grumpy and negative, but it might really serve you well to be more up front and direct, and to think more about what you want and enjoy rather than feeling like a passive passenger in other people’s plans. Being nice doesn’t have to mean being a pushover, and being authentic doesn’t have to mean you’re rude and selfish. There’s a huge middle ground.

Empathise completely, OP - I have felt this way for most of my life.

Never had trouble making friends, but after primary school age have really struggled at feeling like the best friend / focus of a friendship - always on the outskirts and the one most likely to be left out / forgotten when a group paired up, etc.

I’m at a point where I don’t really bother anymore. I got so tired of the feeling of being sidelined, I’ve just sort of let things drift.

Sorry not to be more upbeat or have any kind of solution, but just sharing do you know you’re not alone in feeling this way.

Hope you can manage to enjoy your last day - as PP suggested, spend it pleading yourself x

@Bunnyhair that’s a really interesting point of view

Why does it have to be someone else? This is a peculiar comment to make.

OP meant gently if this keeps happening to you might you be hard work in some way? Why do your friends keep bringing their other friends along. Might it be because they don't really want to be alone with you? This sounds harsh but I'm trying to make the point that when something keeps happening it's often good idea to look inward first

It breaks my heart to see so many women (and also quite a few men, possibly including the OP’s husband) so fixated on ‘being accepted’ that they don’t consider whether they actually like the people whose acceptance they want. Once you start noticing whose company you actively enjoy & what makes you feel good, and prioritising that rather than chasing the things that feel exclusive / exclusionary / out of reach, life gets a lot easier and more enjoyable.

I agree with @Bunnyhair. My MIL is so "nice"and accommodating to literally everyone you can't get a sense of who she really is. It doesn't make me want to spend time her her - you can't have an interesting conversation or debate about anything really as she's too busy saying what she thinks you want to hear.

Now that doesn't excuse their behaviour or your husbands. But may be worth reflecting on and perhaps seeking some support with acknowledging and communicating who you really are and what you want from life.

I’d find an air bnb and spend the last night there. Fuck em. Let them worry.

I mean, I’d say I was fine - I wouldn’t want the police called. But I’d remove myself from that situation.

And then probably my marriage when I got home, tbh.

This.

What comes across in your posts OP is not being nice but being passive.

That’s awful! So sorry OP! It’s like being back at school. Can’t believe grown adults behave like this.
You’ve been let down by your friend and H. I’m not surprised you are feeling so angry and hurt.

At this point there’s nothing to lose so I’d tell each one, especially the husband what shitty people they are, then go off your usual solo wander. Bunch of twats!

You then need to fix the people pleasing when you get back.

Can we go on holiday with couple B - nope, because you’re a sheep who likes to wander off, husband’.

Meeting friend for lunch and they ask, ‘can friend C come along’… Nope, I’d prefer it’s just us today.

Until you’ve worked out how to be seen/heard… Or just chop off the current deadweights and start afresh with new people.

Next time they whisper just tell them no need to whisper, I promise I won’t listen.

This isn't going to solve your holiday dilemma but it's good advice going forward. I was never a confident person, going into a room full of people I'd be thinking who's going to like me. The moment I switched that thought to who am I going to like, I became so much more confidence. Set your boundaries and don't put up with second best, know and value your self worth.

I've been doing stuff alone mostly

I would continue with this.
Plan your days to suit you and sod the rest of them. Including your husband.

I would leave them to it. Take a book or music and just relax by the pool. Don't engage in their childishness.

Am surprised you've not had the 'oh I'm the more the merrier, op I love it when extra people come along!'
Remember planning a trip to an out of town place for cinema, food, shop with a friend, her idea, as long as I wouldn't mind driving as she didn't.. till morning of.. she'd totally forgotten about another friend she'd promised to spend day with so would it be cool to give them a lift too? She didn't seem too happy with my 'oh no, you guys catch up, we'll go another time!' Fuck was I being a taxi!

Your 'friends' sound nasty but what on earth is your husband playing at?! He hasn't gone on a lads holiday FFS! He knows you're upset at being left out and he still buggers off with the 'lads' because he doesn't want to rock the boat? I don't think so sunshine!

they are not friends. I would completely wipe them. I’ve kind of been the same. But I’m at the point I don’t care. I have 2 good friends I hang out with sometimes. Plenty of acquaintances to chat to when I see them. And that is fine with me.