Support for HIV partner

[deb45]

My first post on here and have hesitated too long!
My husband is HIV positive. He caught it about 4 years before we met and it's under control with drugs so that he can't pass it on but it means occasional hospital visits for a check up and to collect medication. He asks me to come along for 'support' as he doesn't like hospitals generally anyway and I do but I find myself dreading it and feeling really low for days before and after and wanting support myself! I've asked him to go alone as he used to before we met but he gets angry and says I'm being selfish and should 'be there' for him which I understand but wish the whole thing didn't make me feel crap. When we met he hid his HIV status from me and I found out by chance which doesn't help my feelings. I can't talk to anyone else as he doesn't understandably want me to tell anyone. Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think there's a clear right and wrong here. Why do you get so upset about his routine checks?

The HIV clinic should have access to specialist counsellors who will understand your situation and be able to take you through it.

If he tries to stop you accessing this support, I'd question the relationship tbh. He doesn't get to demand your support, time and attention and not allow you to get any support for yourself.

He hid his HIV status from you? Im sorry but id divorce this man, what a horribly selfish thing to do. I wonder if he would be so forgiving the other way round, my guess is you wouldn’t of seen him for dust.

No wonder the hospital visits make you feel shite, you poor thing. it’s just another reminder of how you were tricked into being with someone who has HIV. He took your choice away and now he’s getting upset that you’re struggling with that. It’s all about HIM HIM HIM isn’t it?

What do you mean by he hid his status from you? As there is a big difference between not disclosing it on a first date (understandable) and not disclosing it much further in, when you're having sex with someone.

Is there any reason in particular he struggles with the routine appointments? As presumably he managed these before he met you. I do think he sounds like he's being a bit demanding, but the far greater concern is that he hid his status from you.

Yes I think the initial secrecy about it all opens old wounds and going along to the clinic is a reminder of it all and why I always dread it and leave feeling crap

It's all about him, isn't it? My husband has a (much less serious) health condition, and I eventually had to ask him not to talk to me about it. I found it really stressful, because he would talk about almost nothing else, and expected me to manage it for him ("Can I eat this" "What am I supposed to do about that?" "Did you order my pills for me yet?" on repeat). He doesn't want to attend a support group, or talk to his doctor/clinic nurse, he wants to dump it all on me. Combined with everything else I have to manage (which is everything in our household!) it's too much and I'm starting to find him quite repellant.

Your needs matter here too. He has a team of people to seek support or advice from, and you need something like that too. I would have left him when I found out he concealed something so important, but since you haven't mentioned wanting to leave, I'm assuming you want to find a better way forward. So, in that case, you need to find support outside of your marriage, and try to make him understand how difficult the clinic visits are for you (this last bit is likely to be quite tricky!).

Do you think he would consider counselling? Both for your marriage, and to find another source of support that isn't you. I wish you luck, I hope you find a way forward.

Yes it was about a year into our relationship I googled his pills (he said he was taking them for some other condition) and I found out what they were really for. I was switched on enough to know they stopped him passing it on to anyone but still upset he hid something like that

@deb45 I have no words for that level of deception if you were having a sexual relationship at that point.

I may be wrong but you sound vulnerable.

In which case I am not at all surprised that you feel as you do about going to appointments with him op.

I get that the medication would have meant that his viral load was so small that he would have been unable to pass the virus on to you, but that is hardly the point. When would he have told you if you hadn't found the pills? What would have happened if he had stopped taking his medication for whatever reason . . .

No I don't want to leave the relationship but I am struggling and don't know where to get support. I've tried counselling but it hasn't really helped and it raked over everything and have had enough of talking about my childhood lol. Am looking more for ways to cope

Sorry but I don't agree with the level of disgust on here that he didn't tell you. If he knew it was untransmissable there's no more reason to disclose it than any other health condition. There's no risk to you. You could argue that in a serious relationship you should disclose any health issue but that doesn't matter warrant this kind of judgement.

Nope, you still tell the person. I am not having the barrier between me getting HIV or not being whether this person remembers to take their medication.

Please don’t compare this to “any health issue” you know full well the stigma attached to HIV and any decent person would have disclosed before a sexual relationship and explained about the medication meaning it won’t be passed on, and then they can make their decision based on that.

How old are you? The tough reality is anybody you tell will advise you to leave (who wouldn't).

Even if he had of been honest I still couldn't do it. How far in did you find out?

@Darkenergy would you say the same about herpes.

There is no disgust towards her DH having HIV, the issue is the deception, and putting her at risk.

He took away her agency.

That's appalling that he hid that from you. I appreciate it's controlled by medication but that prevented you from asking questions and making an informed decision.

I don't think I could ever forgive that deception, no wonder it makes you low.

If it upsets you to make a visit with him to the hospital, you need to address the underlying cause of that upset.

I’m shocked you still married him after the deception. He never should have engaged in intimate contact without disclosure. That is a huge betrayal of trust.

You clearly aren’t at peace with his actions if ongoing reminders of his condition are upsetting. If you want to stay married, you need to confront this barrier and get past it. The resentment will only grow.

No, he absolutely should have told her. There is always a risk of transmission even if very small (if he forgets to take the meds, vomits, or there is a manufacturing issue). Not saying the latter is likely but the partner needs to be aware so they can make an informed decision to rely on the medication and the person taking it and risk assessment. This would apply to any lifelong, incurable disease let alone one that carries a stigma. There isn't an excuse.

He put himself first as he is doing now.

OP, I would just let him know that you won't be routinely coming to any more appointments and that's that. It's your turn to put yourself first. He doesn't need you there.

He managed fine for four years and he will manage fine again. I'd be quite cut and dried about this rather than fannying about with counselling you don't want for the purposes of accompanying him.

I have worked in sexual health and it isn't common for HIV patients to bring partners or family in for their routine appointments. It's usually just weight and height, bloods, a history, swabs/urine if required and then the prescription. They know the drill and just get on with it.

Tel him to be well hydrated. That makes venepuncture a lot easier. A chaperone is always available so he won't be alone.

I'm surprised you stayed with him after that too though, tbh.

Oh gosh, I remember the post when u found out about it. He was terrribly unkind to u and didn’t even disclose during pregnancy. He doesn’t really deserve your support.

I think your depression and bad feelings surrounding the appointment probably is more about the whole device or surrounding it all.

you would be justified to leave this man

@Darkenergy you are going to be in the minority with that view. People do have a duty of care to disclose certain things you cannot go through life misleading people for your own personal gain. It's not even that people are judging others with HIV. However I have every bloody right to know if a potential partner has it! It's a crime to go around spreading HIV.

I'm 47 and all the finding out and hurt was about 7 years ago so have since dealt with it so to speak and yes married him but these hospital visits just bring it back and make me feel crap but otherwise I don't even think of his condition otherwise. However I do worry that if I don't accompany him he won't go at all and has only a couple of weeks of meds left so know I have to

That’s a shame that the trust just isn’t there and he would probably still put u and the kids at risk. He should be complaint with treatment if u are there or not.

it’s not in u to baby him and make him stay healthy and safe: that is too much to bare and won’t make ur relationship healthy x

So you don’t think women should have the right to know so that they can choose as to if they trust the man, or know his memory is reliable enough to remember to take his medication everyday and not put her at risk? Why? It’s not disgust to want to prioritise your own health.

OP, I’m not sure how you ever forgave him for that and I can understand why you don’t want to go to the appointments. Can you ask the hospital if they have any support for you? What would happen if you just refuse to go?

Jesus Christ!

OP, are you sure you want to be in this relationship? Are you sure it’s what’s best for you and your kids?

I don't think I could ever get past that

So he also put his children at risk, arsehole doesn’t cover this one.

OP, this is very worrying to me as he clearly doesn’t consider the safety of you or your children.

I am not going to say ltb because that is not going to happen over night but staying with someone who can do this, is not going to have the best outcome long term.