Aftermath of an affair: long-term

[Eric1964]

I was probably a fairly sensitive child. Playing with friends, just occasionally they would gang up on me - verbally, not physically. I hated it.

My wife had an affair over a decade ago. An aspect of this which has, surprisingly, just hit me now is this same phenomenon: I know they had sex in our bed and discussed our rather poor sex life.

It's the same vibe as friends ganging up on you, but worse: wife brings a horrible man into your marriage, and they form an alliance against you.

How strange, and how deeply unpleasant, that these thoughts have taken almost fifteen years to surface.

it would involve me having to attract a woman into my bed and that's not exactly a given. My wife, on the other hand, probably wouldn't have too much trouble. Market forces, supply/demand etc etc.

Sex outside committed, caring relationships is easy for women to get; not otherwise.

And the majority of women don't want sex with no relationship, ongoing. I'd hazard a guess your wife is the same.

The fact is there are loads of decent women looking for a partner and a lack of decent men.

So market forces are not what you think; not for relationships.

Any woman can get fucked, ongoing, by men who see her as a collection of orifices ..... The vast majority of women are not looking for that.
I have an acquaintance who thinks she can do fwb, she had a fwb and she contacted him to say she was in hospital and having a health problem/s ... His response was essentially "let me know when you're back up and running" i e. Let me know when you're available to fuck again, otherwise I'm can't really be arsed being in contact with you. She was offended by this. She actually thought he'd care beyond the convenience of fucking, he didn't. He'd also drop into low/no contact with her when he got a more local/convenient/new fwb or girlfriend.

Few women want or can cope with totally no strings, non committed sex .. . And that's the only thing the market forces are strong for, for women.

When it comes to relationships, it's 50-50 at best, but probably the advantage is more towards men.

Anyway, your wife sounds like a piss taking, low integrity, user, disloyal bitch and she should have been given the hoof back then.

But better late than never

@Sashya

"But bad sex life is an unrelated issue to the affair -"

I'm curious: do you honestly think this?

I just want to say I'm grateful to everyone who has contributed here, even if I find your words difficult to read. All things considered, it's up to me and me alone to decide what comes next.

It is up to you what you choose to do but please please choose YOU, prioritise yourself and your needs and wants.

You've spent too long prioritising everyone else's needs, now is the time to focus on you!

Good luck x

What you do next is your call but whilst you might not have had sex in the last 6 years I doubt very much the same goes for you wife.

Surely better to be single than with someone who is not sexually attracted to you. You could be an amazing lover but without the attraction sex is a chore and unpleasant.

There are plenty of posts from women saying they ended their relationships as they got the ick.
Be free, be happy!

A couple of incidental things: in the last few years I've done a few things to bolster my self esteem, with reasonable success, and I doubt that comes across here.

And, on an entirely different matter: since the infidelity, I've been on loads of forums and most of them have been useless. Mumsnet is pretty good but, really, it's for women and I shouldn't really be here. So why don't I go on a men's forum? Well, there was a good one a few years ago, called Married Man Sex Life. It was much better than it sounds: it was essentially about improving your relationship by improving yourself. It was very heavily moderated: no whining was allowed, or disrespect of one's partner or women in general. There were also a few women on the forum whose perspective was really valuable. Unfortunately, the guy who ran it became ill and decided he couldn't give it the attention it needed, so shut it down. He's written books but his name has gone out of my head just now.

I've been reading other threads, which is useful for perspective; but, at the end of the day, we're on our own...

@Eric1964 surviving infidelity is a great forum if you haven’t found it. Lots of male posters and moderators. Very experienced and really know their stuff. Might be worth taking a look. It sounds like you need support.

@Eric1964

I think what one of the posters is trying to tell you about women is that poor sex life in a couple, or your W thinking sex is a chore with you - while generally wanting sex - is unlikely to be because you are not tall, dark and handsome.
Looks are important for initial attraction, but what a man does in bed, his general attitude, interest in pleasuring a woman - is what makes us enjoy sex with a man. And want or not want more of it.

I can certainly vouch for having had bad sex with good looking, or even well endowed men. And great sex with regular blokes.

It is probably too late to resurrect sex life with your W. After this long time - being sexual with you would only seem strange to her.
But - if you happen to have sex with someone else - try to invest time into learning what she wants and enjoys. Try to give more than you receive.
Most men are crap at it as they are too selfish. So if a woman comes across a man who is not - they tend to hold on to them.

As to what you do with your marriage. You are both in 50-60s? I’d not be making choices based on sex alone.
Open it up for both of you. Anything js better than sexless misery you have now.

I would love to hear from a woman who has had an affair, been found out, and stayed with their partner. It could be a very useful perspective. If I leave, it won't be in the near future, so I might as well use the time to increase my understanding.

And, @josuk, thanks for the advice, but if a woman doesn't want to have sex with you, then pleasing them in bed is off the cards, too. Don't think I'm great in bed but I was never selfish.

I can answer this. What do you specifically want to know?

Could you tell me briefly why you had the affair, how if at all the affair changed your feelings towards your partner, and how you feel about your relationship now? You're not my wife, but it might be enlightening.

On the lighter side of enforced celibacy, it gives me lots of time for fantasising. So, last night, I invented the next woman I'll meet. She's younger than me, but not by much. She has nice wavey blonde hair and a good figure, and she's about 5'5", to give me a very slight advantage. She lives in an ex-mining town to the east of my nearest city, so is very down-to-earth. She owns her own home, which is ex-council. We have our first date in a well-known pub in the city and instantly hit it off. We have plenty in common, and enough differences, too. She enjoys dressmaking, I tell her about my photography and poor attempts at cooking, and my love for Shostakovich. We go our separate ways that night, last trains out of the city station in opposite directions, but soon see each other again and become "intimate"*. However, in my fantasy, it turns out that her husband is an ex-miner with a bit of a temper and a jealous streak, and he keeps banging on her windows after the pub; his years of working underground mean he doesn't really feel pain ...

(*that means we had it off.)

Psychotherapy
process it all and then you can decide how you want to move forward

im sorry it’s very painful and you probably have buried this away and these pains can’t be buried

but you have a lot of life left to live and be happier