Aftermath of an affair: long-term

[Eric1964]

I was probably a fairly sensitive child. Playing with friends, just occasionally they would gang up on me - verbally, not physically. I hated it.

My wife had an affair over a decade ago. An aspect of this which has, surprisingly, just hit me now is this same phenomenon: I know they had sex in our bed and discussed our rather poor sex life.

It's the same vibe as friends ganging up on you, but worse: wife brings a horrible man into your marriage, and they form an alliance against you.

How strange, and how deeply unpleasant, that these thoughts have taken almost fifteen years to surface.

@Daffyaboutdaffs : I'd love to know how you feel now, if you feel like putting into words. I encounter so few people in my situation.

You sound a really thoughtful, interesting person with a dry wit. I think you deserve better even if you don't. Intellectual men are so attractive I'm sure if you left and tried your hand at on line dating you'd do well.

I don't know how anyone learns to live with infidelity. Perhaps if she'd put some effort into reigniting the physical side of things you could move on but 6 yrs without intimacy sounds miserable and that's without the fact she cheated previously.

Good luck op, life's too short. Sometimes we just have to take the leap and free ourselves from whatever is dragging us down.

@Janiie : Thank you for your kind words.

Well - if you separate and want to have sex - you'll need to attract a woman to your bed just as well. Not sure why that is an argument against opening up a marriage where sexual side of things isn't working.

Thing is - in your posts you come across as somewhat insecure and down on yourself person. I'll be frank - such qualities are not attractive in anyone, and even less so in a man. Sexual attraction is not all about looks - height and muscles is not all women are attracted to.

So - it it's about your W - or other women - you are not going to change your life situation if you continue sitting in the corner and dwelling on something your W did 14 years ago. Life is too short for that.
It is self destructive to pick at the wound and relieve her torn stockings from Xmas party - as "some of the cruellest things one has done to you"...
(and - as a BTW - stockings tear by simple wear too, but of course our mind made it into something different)

@Sashya : You have touched upon the paradox of men talking about their feelings. Oh, I'm very well aware insecurity etc is unattractive in a man, but you don't think I let my façade drop in everyday life, do you? A technical point re the tights: as I remember, my wife told me how they'd torn unprompted: I'm pretty sure she was pre-emptively covering her tracks.

You're quite right about me having to attract a woman if I were single, same as married, but the dynamics are different. I'm sure you can see that.

I'm posting these messages with my mental wellbeing in a certain delicate state. Certainly not representative of my whole self.

And... if I never have a sexual relationship with a woman again, that would be very sad, but worse things happen at sea, and I have two sons I adore and, as for my friends: "Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to your soul with hoops of steel."

I'm very grateful for your thoughts.

Why don't you join that site for married folk to have flings, Ashley Madison? Give her a taste of her own medicine and even the playing field as it were. Although I don't usually advocate cheating but 6yrs without intimacy and a wife who had a fling must surely be ground for giving it a go <sorry if I sound flippant but you've been treated terribly>.

@Janiie : That's such a terrible idea, I might just try it!

Where are the LTB comments on this thread??
How weird that everyone is behaving differently because it's a man posting.

@Jonisaysitbest : I think people have said that, in different ways perhaps.

Well I'm advocating finding someone else even as short term distraction as I would anyone m or f whose partner didn't want any intimacy with them yet happily had it with other folk.

Very much a different vibe on this thread though, not one mention of "ducks in a row" yet.

@Jonisaysitbest fwiw I think he should leave this woman too, I think I said that.

@Eric1964 ignore the ripped stockings jibe, what you’re talking about here is clear trauma triggers. Truama that has clearly never been recognised or acknowledged and certainly never been worked through as a couple.

The more you write the worse this marriage sounds. Honestly you get ONE life!!!!

i understand where you are. My husband had an affair 18 years ago, when i was pregnant and i have never been able to get over it. I stay in the marriage because i think its better for our children's happiness and stability. We don't fight or argue, we co-habit and co-parent fine. But he doesn't love me and we also don't have sex (its been 9 years), which further destroys my self-esteem. I too have a careful facade and the few people that know my story were so shocked when i told them, i hide it well. We had Relate counselling at the time but in retrospect i reaslise that i should have had individual counselling instead. I have just started this now, after all this time. To work out what i want to do in the next phase of my life. I think i want to leave. Good luck to you, it's so painful. Everyone thinks time heals but if the issues are unresolved then in my experience, the wounds fester rather than heal. You sound very intelligent and thoughtful which are very attractive qualities btw.

Thanks for the clarification re childhood, glad you're okay there. As for the stage, what an interesting little detail. Same here incidentally, although not the comedy side of that industry.

If you called it quits on your marriage I'm wondering, would you feel like a quitter yourself for giving up, is that the factor that's keeping you tied to this whipping post? Do you suspect she'd fall apart without your ongoing emotional support, therefore exiting stage left wouldn't be possible or realistic? She knows you better than anyone and is I'm sure, your intellectual equal.

Again, no prob if too sensitive to answer (not my business) but I'm intrigued by the emotional dynamic shared between you and this woman? It's why I asked you about signs of skullduggery beforehand The casual trashing of your feeling comes across particularly vindictive to me, in it's raw coarseness. Something in her character maybe? Insecurities over your career success perhaps?

I couldn't possibly know the answers Eric, but something makes communicating your own feelings easier on here.

Thoughts?

You didn't let it out at the time. You put it in a box marked 'too painful to look at' because that enabled you to maintain the status quo at the time. Unfortunately the box has now cracked and its coming out and you're not going to be able to get it back in again.
So my advice is to get it out properly and examine it from all angles. Don't try to hide from what was done to you and how you feel about it. When you've done that, reassess. You have one life. How do you want to spend the rest of it? Is living a half life in your marriage still the safest option? Is there a way to live a fuller life, emotionally separated, putting yourself first while physically together? Or is it time to strike out with the freedom to find something better, or at least be on your own away from the resentment?

You sound a lovely kind,thoughtful and sensitive man. Please do not ever think your sensitive nature would not be attractive to women.

My husband of 27years is the most gentle,kind and sensitive man. Those are the qualities that make me love him. He is the furthest thing from a typical alpha male that you could imagine. Many women are attracted to sensitive men.

Your pain which sounds visceral is clear to read here. I don't think you have dealt with the trauma of the affair. From the bits you have told it sounds brutal, ripped tights, sex in the marital bed. FFS sounds horrific.

I'm imagining the kids were small and breaking up the family unit wasn't an option, but what about now?

I think you need to consider yourself and your needs. You deserve so much more than the relationship you are in. You deserve to be loved and cherished, you deserve to be physically touched and desired.

Your self esteem has been destroyed by your wife's affair, try and build it up and prioritise your needs.

You sound lovely and I'm sure in time you will meet a lovely lady who will cherish you like you deserve.

“Do you think you may both be happier alone and/or in time with someone else?”

“You can walk anytime after infidelity in your marriage you’re not bound by anyone to stay.”

“You don’t have to stay in a relationship that is making you revisit trauma from your youth, or which has become sexless against your inclination. You chose previously to stay after an affair; you don’t have to carry on making that same choice if it’s no longer working for you.”

“what would life look like for you if you were to leave?”

“If you don't have children i would go and never look back . I think you deserve better.”

“What to do is leave, as much as it'd hurt.”

All posted before your comment. WTF thread are you reading?

@SarahC50

"Your pain which sounds visceral is clear to read here. I don't think you have dealt with the trauma of the affair. From the bits you have told it sounds brutal, ripped tights, sex in the marital bed. FFS sounds horrific."

Yep. Not all the time, but when it hurts, that's what it's like. And thank you for your kind words.

@5128gap : What you say is essentially my intention now, or very soon.

Affairs are - to use a word that's been used here - brutal. Did I mention that, after it ended, my wife's tyres were smashed, the OM was briefly arrested for harassing her, our satellite TV cable was cut, I had a very unpleasant note on my windscreen, and a Valentine's card that wasn't exactly romantic? You've got to ask though, how unhappy with your lot do you have to be to behave like that?

I'm getting help from a friend, and considering counselling for myself, the purpose of which would be to decide my next steps.

Would this friend be female, is it your time for retribution perhaps.*
*

Male friend, older than me. I can't see how having a bit in the side myself would help.

Just checking, or male friend extrapolating the virtues of divorce ? Some men can be easily influenced.

Yes this must have been devastating, especially your feelings about the disloyalty of her talking about you in a disparaging light. Maybe this was worse for you if you are a public figure of somekind, you need that complete loyalty to feel safe.

Do you want to remain with your wife, maybe these feelings have emerged at a time in life where you are not as busy, more time to reflect ? Or, and I don't mean to be rude but she is aging now so not quite so valuble in terms of fighting against another male for the prize.

You did say you thought you were punching, looks wise but you obviously had traits which made you desirable to her. This man who chased her, could there have been some aspect whereby your fame or sucess made him try to steal her, men can be pretty primitive and it looked like the actions he took to prevent the affair ending were quite drastic, all this must have added to your trauma.

The betrayal and disloyalty are linked and have been rug swept, only to emerge now because you clearly don't feel safe, and could this period of insecurity be linked with your carreer and age.

Eric - this is not about paradox of men talking about their feelings. That alone does not make you feel insecure. Neither is being sensitive - that also does not make one seem insecure.
It's the way you talk about yourself, and the choices you make and let others make. And insecurity is a huge killer of attraction.

Women sexuality is complex. Physical attributes are not as strong a driver for us - men are a lot more visual. So - your W was attracted to that guy who was taller - but he probably also had other qualities she found attractive.

You and your W got into this rut a long time ago. You obsessed about not being her type. And the fact that she thought the sex was a chore. So - you probably just gave up and didn't try that much to change it all.
Another way of dealing with that would have been making sex more fun. No woman with a sex drive - who has an attentive and selfless lover who really cares about her pleasure would think sex is a chore.

Don't know where it leave you now. It's a vicious circle for you in a way. I am not sure divorcing her now would actually change your sex life as your opinion of yourself is so entrenched.

I do hope therapy can help

@Sashya :

"So - you probably just gave up and didn't try that much to change it all.
Another way of dealing with that would have been making sex more fun. No woman with a sex drive - who has an attentive and selfless lover who really cares about her pleasure would think sex is a chore."

I think your statements contain many assumptions and come from your own perspective. Maybe, when I talk to my wife, she'll tell me the truth, then at least I'll have something to go on.