Looking for any input! In love with my ExGF, and currently in no contact as trying to be friends before I was ready was getting too hard. She also waivers and keeps changing her mind, and last time we spoke it resulted in an argument. We’ve not spoken for a couple of months, no one announced no contact, just think we both knew we needed it.
It’s her birthday soon. She always places big importance on birthdays. She forgot mine a few months ago (genuinely - not on purpose) and was very tearful and upset once she realised.
I am working on myself and have stopped thinking in terms of no contact being a means of trying to get her to reconsider (yay…!) and am genuinely letting her go live her life, and gradually starting to feel more interested in my own and so it’s the first no contact I’ve felt that I’m getting past the denial phase & doing the work.
Problems:
- I genuinely care for her regardless of the bigger quest of one day maybe having a second go at things, and don’t like the thought of her feeling hurt if I don’t wish her happy birthday. I know it’s a genuine wish as otherwise don’t feel remotely ready to talk beyond sending my wishes (and am even a bit nervous should she respond wanting to talk, as I’m still hurting and not ready)
- Owing to her having forgotten my birthday, and given the way she herself tends to operate (she is very proud and always trying to win situations and take moral high ground etc - not something I am interested in…) but I suppose I’m worried if I don’t wish her HB, she may see it as some kind of vengeful thing connected to my forgotten birthday - it really isn’t. I’d see that as cruel.
- I guess a bit of me is wondering if maybe this should be the first time I allow her to really feel my absence - the consequences of her decision - as for a long time I protected her from it, was a doormat, hung about full of hope and so on. So I guess I’m wondering whether it might in fact cause her to pause for thought should it feel hurtful. She may not even care or notice, of course…!
SUMMARY: in no contact, want ex back one day (not yet…) scared of hurting her/pushing her away. Might ignoring her birthday have the opposite effect and inadvertently cause her to reflect?
Sorry so long winded and over thought - I tend to, and whilst likely meaningless, am at war with my conscience here. There is also a 4th possibility, which is that (shock…!) I finally grow some, don’t text, and feel a sense of moving forward myself (aka not compromising my values to make her feel comfortable….) but experience is that I tend to feel consumed by guilt if I’ve ever tried previously to rebel against this basic urge to treat her lovingly, despite being dumped.