If I don’t wish my ExGF Happy Birthday will it help or hinder my hopes of reconciling…?

[ArtfulBlueMentor]

Looking for any input! In love with my ExGF, and currently in no contact as trying to be friends before I was ready was getting too hard. She also waivers and keeps changing her mind, and last time we spoke it resulted in an argument. We’ve not spoken for a couple of months, no one announced no contact, just think we both knew we needed it.

It’s her birthday soon. She always places big importance on birthdays. She forgot mine a few months ago (genuinely - not on purpose) and was very tearful and upset once she realised.

I am working on myself and have stopped thinking in terms of no contact being a means of trying to get her to reconsider (yay…!) and am genuinely letting her go live her life, and gradually starting to feel more interested in my own and so it’s the first no contact I’ve felt that I’m getting past the denial phase & doing the work.

Problems:

1. I genuinely care for her regardless of the bigger quest of one day maybe having a second go at things, and don’t like the thought of her feeling hurt if I don’t wish her happy birthday. I know it’s a genuine wish as otherwise don’t feel remotely ready to talk beyond sending my wishes (and am even a bit nervous should she respond wanting to talk, as I’m still hurting and not ready)
2. Owing to her having forgotten my birthday, and given the way she herself tends to operate (she is very proud and always trying to win situations and take moral high ground etc - not something I am interested in…) but I suppose I’m worried if I don’t wish her HB, she may see it as some kind of vengeful thing connected to my forgotten birthday - it really isn’t. I’d see that as cruel.
3. I guess a bit of me is wondering if maybe this should be the first time I allow her to really feel my absence - the consequences of her decision - as for a long time I protected her from it, was a doormat, hung about full of hope and so on. So I guess I’m wondering whether it might in fact cause her to pause for thought should it feel hurtful. She may not even care or notice, of course…!

SUMMARY: in no contact, want ex back one day (not yet…) scared of hurting her/pushing her away. Might ignoring her birthday have the opposite effect and inadvertently cause her to reflect?

Sorry so long winded and over thought - I tend to, and whilst likely meaningless, am at war with my conscience here. There is also a 4th possibility, which is that (shock…!) I finally grow some, don’t text, and feel a sense of moving forward myself (aka not compromising my values to make her feel comfortable….) but experience is that I tend to feel consumed by guilt if I’ve ever tried previously to rebel against this basic urge to treat her lovingly, despite being dumped.

In the nicest possible way, OP, she’s presumably doing absolutely fine with your absence, given that she asked for it. Don’t contact her again. Move on with your own life.

Why do you want her back? She doesn't want to be with you. You are potentially wasting your life pining after someone who isn't who you want them to be. I mean this kindly, stop overthinking this, let her go and get on with your life. Meet someone new who loves you and wants to be with you.

Let her possibly miss you...youll soon know if shes upset over you not wishing her hb. Tbh though OP if she missed you it would have been before a couple month. Move on and take care of yourself

Yes let her feel your absence. Stop letting her mess you about!

She is your ex. She doesn’t want to be with you.

Send a card in the post. Unlike a message she isn't under any obligation to answer, and it doesn't have to mean anything apart from the fact you wish her a happy birthday. Make sure it's not a lovey dovey card.

Don't do this!

OP, sending her a text to wish her HB would be fine if you hadn't all these complicated feelings.

However, you are completely over-invested here

It's over. There isn't some grand plan & timeline where you can dictate when & how you will 'reconcile'.

Move on. Don't text. Stop planning a fictitious reunion.

You're really overthinking this and attaching way too much significance to a simple HB message.

It really sounds like you need to just move on. If one day you do reconcile, it's not going to be because you did or didn't send her a birthday message. But ultimately, the degree to which you're thinking about this suggests you're not in a healthy place with regards to the break up. I think you need to focus all that energy into moving on.

I’m feeling relieved seeing these responses - and this is most likely exactly what I need to hear - thank you, please don’t worry about sounding harsh or so on - I’m finding it helpful, and of course am cringing a bit as yes, I’m very over invested. I don’t feel it’s my job to reach out, and am very intent on (this time…) really giving her the break up she wants. Re. sending a card - it’s something I’ve also considered as felt that wouldn’t invite need for response - and don’t go for anything lovey dovey, but - just feeling like this may finally be the time I need to stop fearing the loss. It will give me no pleasure, so will have to try and keep busy, and can of course still wish her a happy birthday in my own head, I suppose. Thank you everyone for being point blank!

Thank you so much - you’re bang on that I’m thinking way too much about it and that should be my answer in itself. Thank you

Thank you - yes, exactly - she’s had months to miss me enough to put pride aside. It does feel done for now, and I also feel it’s unreasonable if she’s expecting a message, and also for her to be upset if she doesn’t receive one, given everything.

I think a standard card in the post is a much better idea than a text. But I agree that not doing anything is best.

You need to reframe how you’re thinking about this. It’s not a mutually agreed period of no contact before you get back together. The relationship is over and she’s moved on with her life.

That might sound harsh, but facing up to the reality is important here. She’s your exGF and not a part of your life any more.

Properly understanding this is important to you starting to move on with your life.

Thank you! And it actually helps me I think, because the chances are she won’t care, at least not enough to contemplate. It’s a good litmus (just trying now to not feel mean just for setting a boundary of no longer interested in being messed about…!)

Why not, op wants to wish her a happy birthday, and ex likes birthday cards! As long as op isn't a stalker there is no harm in a gesture of goodwill.

Thank you I agree with this, and just need to I think accept that she hasn’t been relying on me for happiness for quite some time.

Why not, op wants to wish her a happy birthday, and ex likes birthday cards! As long as op isn't a stalker there is no harm in a gesture of goodwill.

Because he's completely over-invested in this (non) relationship, and because these days really only those close up us, with a direct connection, send cards. It's way too much of a statement.

A text is impersonal enough if he wasn't still too involved, but as he is, he shouldn't do anything.

Let her feel your absence.

Thank you - I agree but you explain it very well. A card IS better than a text, but yes, no card is even better. It’s been hard because she put so much pressure on me to remain friends (something I didn’t have to attempt of course, but obviously have struggled to move on as a result, but this post is helping me to realise I am needing to.)

The thing is, I know she would appreciate it (she isn’t in a place where it would freak her out, if that makes sense…) Even if we never reconcile romantically, there does feel a lot worth fighting for friendship wise, but in the past few months I think I’ve started to feel that it will be years (if ever…!) before I feel ready for genuine friendship. I suppose I don’t want to slam that door shut, and she’s quite a reactive person, so I’m bracing myself for a slamming of doors if I don’t send anything. But I guess if - knowing I’m heartbroken and needing space - that’s all it takes for her to take friendship off the table, it’s my answer.

Dont send her a card or bday message...it still leaves an invisible cord between you...work on yourself and i think she's used to you being there no matter how she treats you.. surprise her and do nothing on her birthday but go treat yourself instead.

Yes - I’ve been bad at this, but I’ve also been suffering hugely. I like the simplicity of this, and know you are right.

Thank you - this is helping a lot. A card does feel too much. I know she would love to get one, but I also know most likely for the wrong reasons (her love of me loving her, not out of love for me)

Thank you - I love the invisible card. I am planning to do something nice (would never have been ready to a few months ago) and may even celebrate her birthday mentally - but at distance. She must know that I don’t want to be in this position - and that I wish her a happy birthday anyway (though I think she will take it as an insult - I suppose that’s over to her and I can’t do anything to change that)

All of this is in your head.

You don’t need to be second guessing what she might want or might be thinking. It’s not relevant.

You’re not waiting for pride to be put aside. The relationship has been completely over for months.