If I don’t wish my ExGF Happy Birthday will it help or hinder my hopes of reconciling…?

[ArtfulBlueMentor]

Looking for any input! In love with my ExGF, and currently in no contact as trying to be friends before I was ready was getting too hard. She also waivers and keeps changing her mind, and last time we spoke it resulted in an argument. We’ve not spoken for a couple of months, no one announced no contact, just think we both knew we needed it.

It’s her birthday soon. She always places big importance on birthdays. She forgot mine a few months ago (genuinely - not on purpose) and was very tearful and upset once she realised.

I am working on myself and have stopped thinking in terms of no contact being a means of trying to get her to reconsider (yay…!) and am genuinely letting her go live her life, and gradually starting to feel more interested in my own and so it’s the first no contact I’ve felt that I’m getting past the denial phase & doing the work.

Problems:

1. I genuinely care for her regardless of the bigger quest of one day maybe having a second go at things, and don’t like the thought of her feeling hurt if I don’t wish her happy birthday. I know it’s a genuine wish as otherwise don’t feel remotely ready to talk beyond sending my wishes (and am even a bit nervous should she respond wanting to talk, as I’m still hurting and not ready)
2. Owing to her having forgotten my birthday, and given the way she herself tends to operate (she is very proud and always trying to win situations and take moral high ground etc - not something I am interested in…) but I suppose I’m worried if I don’t wish her HB, she may see it as some kind of vengeful thing connected to my forgotten birthday - it really isn’t. I’d see that as cruel.
3. I guess a bit of me is wondering if maybe this should be the first time I allow her to really feel my absence - the consequences of her decision - as for a long time I protected her from it, was a doormat, hung about full of hope and so on. So I guess I’m wondering whether it might in fact cause her to pause for thought should it feel hurtful. She may not even care or notice, of course…!

SUMMARY: in no contact, want ex back one day (not yet…) scared of hurting her/pushing her away. Might ignoring her birthday have the opposite effect and inadvertently cause her to reflect?

Sorry so long winded and over thought - I tend to, and whilst likely meaningless, am at war with my conscience here. There is also a 4th possibility, which is that (shock…!) I finally grow some, don’t text, and feel a sense of moving forward myself (aka not compromising my values to make her feel comfortable….) but experience is that I tend to feel consumed by guilt if I’ve ever tried previously to rebel against this basic urge to treat her lovingly, despite being dumped.

Again, reframe this.

It’s not setting a boundary that you won’t be messed about. She’s NOT messing you about.

You split up. The last time you spoke was months ago and you had an argument. She hasn’t been in contact since.

The what ifs and waiting to get back together is in your head.

The relationship before my current one was on-and-off, and I remember the agony of beginning to get back in contact extremely well. Neither me nor my ex cared much about birthdays and I later found out he had just been using me, engineering the breakups and picking me back up again when his latest crush didn’t want him. I’m sure your relationship wasn’t that toxic but I haven’t been the same for the next three and a bit years and it’s causing issues in my current relationship. On-and-off isn’t usually a good sign, especially if one or both of you have anxious attachment styles.

Especially if you’re reading a lot of crap on the internet about how to repair or restart relationships (which I did, I was desperate sadly) you will start obsessing over these tiny things - how you behaved during the breakup, the exact timing and content of everything you send following the breakup - and thinking they make a huge difference. They don’t. If it’s a good relationship and you BOTH want to revisit it and commit to it later, it’s possible that will happen, although it’ll probably only work or be bearable at all if you’ve both grown and worked on whatever it was that made you split up in the first place. That’s whether you speak to her too early, too late, make “mistakes” along the way. Nobody is perfect and the absolute terror of saying something subtly wrong and causing them to never speak to you again! Is not worth it.

If she really cares about birthdays and is unlikely to be scared or offended if you get in touch, send a text or a card (I send cards a lot and they’re impersonal and don’t demand a reply in the same way as a message might, but it depends on you). She can hardly tell you off for being intrusive or demanding if you’re just saying “happy birthday, hope it’s a great year for you” or something. But you probably will be doing it for yourself and not her, no matter how genuine your feelings are of not wanting to hurt her. Most people - not all, but most - aren’t particularly looking for attention from exes on their “special day”.

Final note - unless she made a fairly big deal about how much her birthday meant to her, to the extent that it was a really bad boyfriend move to forget it, I’d feel a bit cautious about an adult woman who feels so strongly about birthdays, it’s a bit self-centred, and that’s doubly true if she actually does get upset that her ex forgot her birthday, that’s just odd.

But you’ve invented the scenario of her possibly being upset because you didn’t wish her a happy birthday! And, if she is, so what! Just as you don’t get to decide unilaterally that this is a temporary breakup before a happy reunion, she doesn’t get to be upset that someone she dumped didn’t say ‘happy birthday’ to her months later.

This

Thank you SO much for this wonderfully considered and knowing response - I relate to so much of what you say here. And am sorry that you know the difficulties these sorts of experiences can lead to in future relationships. I really hope you (and I….) are able to try not to allow too many past experiences to colour current. But also understand how deep rooted these feelings and fears can be.

I also agree about adults who place great importance on birthdays! My birthday comes and goes each year more or less under the radar, but I’m quite introverted by nature. Others I know who are more extroverted tend to use it as an opportunity to (if anything…) get friends together and have fun, but my exGF definitely sees it more as if a child. Much to contemplate, and I do wish you well with current relationship. I’m trying to think in terms of replacing my broken and scared heart with a totally new one as really don’t want what’s been a very long drawn out and steep learning curve to thwart any future relationships, however far off and unlikely they may feel.

Thank you and yes - you are right, she’s not messing me about. I’m not a big social media user (she is) and she did start watching and liking what few things I posted recently - all just stuff for work, nothing personal) which I find a bit confusing, but it’s probably time to loosen the social media ties (I don’t watch her things as too painful). Thank you I appreciate this - it’s in my head!

Another one agreeing no contact is best. If she is upset it is for her to deal with as you have done nothing wrong.

If she was to get in touch you can honestly tell her that you remembered the day but thought it best to leave her alone. That she knows the break up was hurtful for you and you’re not ready to be friends.

Your feelings are as important as hers. Some people enjoy the power they have over other people so don’t give her any. Look after yourself.

Thank you - and yes, actually I need to acknowledge my wrongdoing here in terms of imagining some future scenario. It’s disrespectful and pure fantasy, I’m seeing this now and can’t thank everyone enough for this thread - it’s turning out to be quite a turning point and a lot more richly inciteful than I could have imagined!

Thank you and yes - I think it’s getting my head around the fact that I’m really not trying to hurt her by not sending. It’s not a deliberate snub designed to cause pain or to insult her. I guess I’m also still projecting too, as I really have no evidence to suggest she’d be upset, after months of silence.

Kindly....

Shes over you. Shes moved on woth her life. Shes happy Shes not coming back and your neediness for this to happen is desperately unattractive to her should she every reconsider (which you know she wont )

You need to forget about hetee. Ignorw the burthday. If you really myst send a succinct text " happy birthday"

No more

Consider it the last text youll aedn. Be brave. Get on woth your life without her

It’s disrespectful and pure fantasy

you seem desperate to overanalyse and almost flagellate yourself in this.

It is all in your head: yes. But that doesn’t make it ‘disrespectful’. It just means you aren’t over the relationship yet and need to find ways to move on with your life.

Just ignore social media likes etc. they mean nothing.

Thank you - I agree I need to put this behind me and of course feel embarrassed but it’s worth it for the encouragement I needed to get real!

Thank you - and yes, I tend to ignore the social media as seems so detached and meaningless/lacking effort. Thanks for being kind

As an aside - thank you ALL for causing me to have something of an epiphany…in that when I made this post, I was thinking very much in terms of her needing to accept the consequences of the break up/having the gift of my absence and so on.

But with your comments and support, I’m realising that as some have said this is perhaps much more about me accepting the break up. It’s me who has to understand that it’s no longer my role to respond to her birthday - I’m the person who isn’t accepting the reality here. This is helping. I need to allow her birthday to pass - at least whilst still hurting - and trust that how she feels about any of it is no longer of any relevance. Thank you all so much

It seems as though a lot of your behaviour you are assessing through the lens of what she might or might not think about it.

(Maybe that's unfair of me because obvs this is a thread about her so that's the point, but that's how it sounds.)

You haven't moved on until you've stopped thinking about her. Make that your goal.

Next year you’ll have moved on and probably won’t give the fact it’s an exGF’s birthday more than a passing thought at most.

She’s not a significant person in your world (any more; hasn’t been for months). You aren’t waiting for it to be less painful so you can contact her or be friends.

She is, as Gotye explains, just somebody that you used to know.

It’s been over for months. She’s likely with someone else by now. Move on.

I think most people do the “let’s stay friends” shtick not because they actually want to stay friends but because it softens the blow for themselves so they feel less of the villain about ending things. The friends thing can work but only when you’ve both mutually agreed you’re not compatible as a couple - otherwise it’s cruel thing to do when one of the parties is hoping for reconciliation because it keeps them emotionally invested.

if you send a text or card then I bet you’ll be on edge checking your phone for days afterwards just in case she acknowledges it, you’ll be thinking about her reaction, wondering whether she even received it etc. After months of no contact she can’t cherry-pick the level if engagement she’d like from you so if she is upset, then tough. She’s living rent-free in your head, time to kick her out!

You're planning to do something nice on your ex's birthday and celebrate her birthday mentally at a distance?

I've got some concerns about where you are with this OP. From what I can see you don't have a relationship, nor a friendship with this woman who you seem at great pains to second guess what her reaction will be, when actually what you need to do is... nothing.

There is nothing to do other than take your focus off her and how to prop up some potential fabricated future possible friendship, and spend the energy on getting yourself into a better mental and emotional state so you can move on happily with your own life. Don't factor her into it at all, in any way.

This includes throwing her a birthday party for one that only you know about. Get some support in real life, see if you can find a therapist to unpick this and work through it with you. There's a lot going on.

I'm sorry OP, I know how much it hurts. But the intimacy that was between you is gone. You're not in contact and don't currently have a relationship of any kind. For your own sake, please do something nice for yourself on the day of her birthday and leave it at that.

She doesn’t seem to have your best interests at heart. She breaks up with you, knows you’re not over her but she insists on you remaining friends. You need to move on. She has no intention of getting back together.

I'm hoping this is a sarcastic answer.

I don’t think this is likely to be entirely fair.

They split up. It seems there was some of the common pretence that they might stay friends but that resulted in a big fight because the OP doesn’t want to just be friends. So there hasn’t been any contact for months.

The ex here doesn’t need to have the OP’s best interests in mind. In fact, she is likely not thinking about the OP at all. It’s the OP that’s thinking through scenarios and imagining that the ex might be disappointed if there’s no birthday present.

Indeed the OP is framing it as should they allow their ex to ‘feel their absence’ by not turning up uninvited into their life several months on from breakup to celebrate her birthday.

It’s totally fine to break up and just move on. Even if she might watch a couple of instagram things or whatever, that’s no indication of anything.

Either wish her happy birthday because you want to or don't. Don't make the decision based on whether it will or won't affect your chances of getting back with her or to make her feel your absence.

If you can't do it for genuine reasons then don't play mind games.

I disagree...she is messing you about by giving you crumbs here and there just incase she wants to come back after she's done being single or dating. Its manipulative imho.
On her bday, go to the cinema, treat yourself to a meal ...do something.that you want to do.
I wouldn't wish her hb...shes in your past.