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Original poster

Partner wants LESS sex? Red flag?

56 replies

BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:02

But of a weird one but interested to get other peoples perspectives!
We have been in a relationship for around 18 months with a break of about 3 months about half way through that.
Everything has been going well and I was thinking we were making progress & was starting to relax a bit.
Last time I saw him he said he thinks we have sex to much and maybe we shouldn’t have any at all next month !
The relationship was initially mostly physical and based on attraction, we have been making an effort this time around to do more fun things together although we do still have a lot of sex. The last couple of weeks in particular we have been having a lot, I wouldn’t say it’s me that instigates it and it is about 50/50. Now he’s has announced we are having to much sex.
I feel hurt and like it is because he has gone off me or that he thinks the sex we are having isn’t adventurous or exciting enough. When I’ve tried to open a conversation about things he would like etc though it is like trying to get blood out of a stone!

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/02/2024 16:03

I’d just leave tbh. Who wants a still newish relationship that’s already had to have a large break that then declares a sex ban for a month for no real reason.

TammytheFaceGhost · 21/02/2024 16:05

Would be a red flag for me, I'd be baffled. Not that "everyone should want sex all the times" or anything but him actually saying "we have too much and I want it less" is bizarre to me. Does he ever turn you down when you initiate?

SamW98 · 21/02/2024 16:07

So in 18 months you’ve already had a 3 month break and now he wants a month long sex ban?

No way is this a healthy dynamic. Leave now before he starts laying down more controlling rules

BigFatLiar · 21/02/2024 16:08

Perhaps he's worried that your relationship is based on sex? Maybe he wants to see if there's more to your relationship than sex?
Perhaps you're wearing him out.

Sounds like he may consider talking about sex embarrassing, some people do.

SilentlyCorrectingYourSpelling · 21/02/2024 16:09

Do you have any other relationship concerns? I'd worry a sudden sex ban after being usually active might indicate he's worried about giving you an STI - could he have been contacted by a previous partner about a risk and he doesn't want to tell you? Awaiting test results?

BigButtons · 21/02/2024 16:09

I agree with others. This is too much hassle for a new relationship. What is too much sex exactly? How often are we talking here?

Nelly10 · 21/02/2024 16:10

Put in the bin what a weirdo!

BigFatLiar · 21/02/2024 16:12

Perhaps he sees you as a sex pest. There are often posts by women complaining that their partner wants sex too often, the usual advice is hes a sex pest dump him. Perhaps he should take this advice.

Original poster
BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:13

BigFatLiar · 21/02/2024 16:12

Perhaps he sees you as a sex pest. There are often posts by women complaining that their partner wants sex too often, the usual advice is hes a sex pest dump him. Perhaps he should take this advice.

I could understand this if it was me who was always initiating sex but honestly it isn’t! Like I said in original post, it is definitely around a 50/50 split in terms of who instigates it 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:17

BigButtons · 21/02/2024 16:09

I agree with others. This is too much hassle for a new relationship. What is too much sex exactly? How often are we talking here?

I mean we did have a lot of sex the last couple of weeks! But that isn’t usual for every week, sometimes we’ll only have sex once or twice a week. I didn’t see him last week at all because I was away with family but the week before that which is when he announced this sudden sex ban 🙄 we probably had sex around 10 times? We don’t live together.

OP posts:
SoundTheSirens · 21/02/2024 16:23

I'm in the "it shouldn't be this hard at this stage" camp and would be inclined to call it a day, while making clear it's not because you were only seeing him for sex, but because you're tired of being on/off, you're not keen on unilateral decisions about something as fundamentally shared as your sex life as a couple, and you're obviously just not on the same page overall.

Did you ask him why he was suddenly suggesting this now when he made his grand pronouncement?

BranchGold · 21/02/2024 16:25

10 times a week?

Original poster
BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:25

BigFatLiar · 21/02/2024 16:08

Perhaps he's worried that your relationship is based on sex? Maybe he wants to see if there's more to your relationship than sex?
Perhaps you're wearing him out.

Sounds like he may consider talking about sex embarrassing, some people do.

I suppose this is the best case scenario and I’m sort of willing to go with it if this is the case and the evaluate how things are? I just feel a bit hurt and crap 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:26

BranchGold · 21/02/2024 16:25

10 times a week?

Yes! But like I say it’s not like that every week at all. It just so happened that that week we had a lot of sex! And it was probably him imitating it half the time to. It’s not like I’m some weird sex pest who was harassing him for it!

OP posts:
Original poster
BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:27

BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:26

Yes! But like I say it’s not like that every week at all. It just so happened that that week we had a lot of sex! And it was probably him imitating it half the time to. It’s not like I’m some weird sex pest who was harassing him for it!

Show quote history

Initiating! 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 21/02/2024 16:27

If he can't/ won't talk about sex (but is happy to unilaterally decided it's too much) then I'd move on.

It's too important an area of a relationship not to have solid communication about

SamW98 · 21/02/2024 16:27

Ok after the update 10 times in a week is quite a lot but rather than make a unilateral decision to put a sex ban in place, you need to discuss as a couple why he’s feeling like this and a more nuanced way to come to a mutual way forward.

Communication is vital to take a relationship forward

Moonfishstar · 21/02/2024 16:35

I could understand more if he felt that the expectation was that you always had sex whenever you met and that he felt that it had become an expectation that he found hard to maintain, and just wanted to slow things down sex-wise a bit, but a month?! When you had sex 10 times the previous week? That is strange. I'd want to know why he wants such a lengthy break? Has he given sex up for Lent without telling you? 😂

Hoosemover · 21/02/2024 16:38

A month seems awfully prescriptive. My thoughts would go to thinking that he done something he shouldn’t have and is waiting for the all clear.

BigButtons · 21/02/2024 16:46

BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:17

I mean we did have a lot of sex the last couple of weeks! But that isn’t usual for every week, sometimes we’ll only have sex once or twice a week. I didn’t see him last week at all because I was away with family but the week before that which is when he announced this sudden sex ban 🙄 we probably had sex around 10 times? We don’t live together.

Show quote history

I consider that to be alot. Twice a day?😮. He is probably feeing overwhelmed and concerned that he is expected to keep this up.
How old are you both?

OhmygodDont · 21/02/2024 16:48

Hoosemover · 21/02/2024 16:38

A month seems awfully prescriptive. My thoughts would go to thinking that he done something he shouldn’t have and is waiting for the all clear.

Oh I wonder what takes a month or 2-3 weeks to clear…

Original poster
BreadPitt99 · 21/02/2024 16:57

BigButtons · 21/02/2024 16:46

I consider that to be alot. Twice a day?😮. He is probably feeing overwhelmed and concerned that he is expected to keep this up.
How old are you both?

Show quote history

Tbh it was was probably more like 3 x a day! Spread over a week. But, and I feel like I have to keep repeating this 😂 it’s not like it was me that was desperately trying to have sex with him. It felt very much like a mutual thing! We are both early 40s

OP posts:
BloodyAdultDC · 21/02/2024 17:17

Hoosemover · 21/02/2024 16:38

A month seems awfully prescriptive. My thoughts would go to thinking that he done something he shouldn’t have and is waiting for the all clear.

My first thought exactly

Followed by wtf, 10 times a week?

solice84 · 21/02/2024 17:25

SilentlyCorrectingYourSpelling · 21/02/2024 16:09

Do you have any other relationship concerns? I'd worry a sudden sex ban after being usually active might indicate he's worried about giving you an STI - could he have been contacted by a previous partner about a risk and he doesn't want to tell you? Awaiting test results?

This was my first thought

muchalover · 21/02/2024 17:28

So he can have sex. He can ban sex. But he can't talk about sex.

Doomed. Sorry.