Partner wants LESS sex? Red flag?

[BreadPitt99]

But of a weird one but interested to get other peoples perspectives!
We have been in a relationship for around 18 months with a break of about 3 months about half way through that.
Everything has been going well and I was thinking we were making progress & was starting to relax a bit.
Last time I saw him he said he thinks we have sex to much and maybe we shouldn’t have any at all next month !
The relationship was initially mostly physical and based on attraction, we have been making an effort this time around to do more fun things together although we do still have a lot of sex. The last couple of weeks in particular we have been having a lot, I wouldn’t say it’s me that instigates it and it is about 50/50. Now he’s has announced we are having to much sex.
I feel hurt and like it is because he has gone off me or that he thinks the sex we are having isn’t adventurous or exciting enough. When I’ve tried to open a conversation about things he would like etc though it is like trying to get blood out of a stone!

Possibly needs a month for his meds to work and get rid of the sti.....

The pharmacy is experiencing a shortage of Viagra. Expecting a shipment in around a month.

You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is happy to make decisions that affect you without communicating with you first and both agreeing.

This is exactly what went through my mind or could he have something like herpes which he has not disclosed and is in a flare? (Which I know is a reach)

In any case, yes it's bizarre. Has he given you any real reason? Maybe try speaking to him about it over the phone. He might feel more comfortable talking about it that way rather than face to face, whatever the reason is

He's got an STD from sleeping with someone else and thats how long it takes to clear ?

Intrigued about the 3 month break - full on nosy... why did you bith decide on a break?

My first thought was STI.

Wow, 10 times per week. I could do with one month off after that 😅 Sorry, not the point of your thread. Well, red flag or not, this relationship sounds a bit difficult and unfulfilling. I’d have an honest conversation about both your needs, and then make a decision based on that

I don’t think it’s necessarily strange of him to want less sex (10 times a week would be enough to make me feel the same🤣), but I think it’s really strange of him to get in touch to say “by the way, I don’t want to have sex at all next month”. Surely he would just not initiate, and when you try he’d do the “not tonight” if he isn’t feeling it?

What the actual fuck. I would not be able to get over that. Weirdo.

If he wanted LESS sex and to focus on other activities in the relationship or if he was feeling a bit exhausted with it all, then fine. But to give a 'sex ban' for an entire month is raising huge red flags. Why a full month? Why no sex at all? Hmm. Nah that's fishy.

Agree

He's either shagging someone else or he has an STI from shagging someone else. He's playing mind games with you, just walk away from this. Plenty of decent guys out there who won't behave like this.

On average I’d say DP and I are 8-10 times a week and DP is nearly 70…there’s also times where it’s once. Never an issue either way.

What matters to us is that it is part of our loving relationship, and if either of us do feel “sexed out” we’d simply say and have a couple of days rest perfectly content. I’d definitely consider a unilateral decision to take it off the cards for a set period of a month to be off, would probably feel hurt and wouldn't feel the relationship was healthy having such poor communication.

This is exactly what I was going to say - it feels like a red flag after being so active. If someone had feelings for me I’d expect them to tell me, however difficult, especially if I’d potentially been exposed to risk. I’m sorry if this is your position - it’s still fairly early and you’d hope for a lasting relationship if it’s been good so far, not a month long ban!

Exactly this!!! It’s not 10 times every week, sometimes we have sex a lot less depending on our plans, how often we see each other etc. Quite often it’s just once or twice a week. I assumed it was mutual and he’d wanted to have more sex as we had spent more time together and as I said he had instigated 50 % of it at least! So was a bit hurtful for him to come out with the we have sex to much, let’s stop for a month. Like I said I have tried to speak to him about it (gently) and not face to face to have where he is at but getting nothing back!

Gage where he is at that should say! I am not sex mad and would be happy to try and focus on other areas of our relationship but it’s the blanket sex ban that’s made me feel hurt and questioning things 😔

... DP and I are 8-10 times a week and DP is nearly 70

Wow, that's very impressive for nearly 70! 😮

My 1st thought was he's played around and picked up an STI and now has to wait for the all clear before having sex again. I'd get myself checked if I were you - you can't be too careful in this regard.

If I’m honest I think he may have come to conclusion that frequent sex has become too important in your relationship and maybe he wants to see if sex wasn’t on the table, if there would be enough other stuff to sustain the relationship.

I’m speculating but if anything, this interaction appears to signify poor communication between you and the fragility of your relationship if you still don’t feel secure in it. Why did you break up and why after seven months do you still feel insecure about the relationship?

@BreadPitt99 the STI possibility is one you need to consider. Go and get yourself checked out.

The red flag is that he won't discuss it. He's showing you exactly how hard it will be to tackle any issues in your relationship going forward. Take that warning very seriously - I wish I had.

I agree.
There's someone else in the picture.
Time to call it a day.