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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

at my wits end with my dp. think its time to call it a day but i dont know how i can bring myself to end it

65 replies

juicychops · 24/03/2008 12:25

long story but il try to cut it short...
me and dp have been together over 2 years but i have known him for years

he has 3 kids aged 10-14 who he sees at weekends. Dec 06 i extended my overdraft to lend him money to get through xmas with his boys. this has slowly added up to £600 over the year and hasn't paid any of it back yet.
last June he begged me to get a credit card as he couldn't get one under his name (something to do with his mortgage he has where his ex lives with his kids). he wanted to get a car and driving lessons so he could sort his life out and be able to see his boys more. he promised it would only be for a few months until he tried a bit harder to get his own credit card then he would transfer the balance.

He is now up to the limit of this credit card which is £3500 and hasn't had one single drivinglesson or bought a car. all the money has gone on xmas and crap for his boys.

he also wont get his own credit card to transfer the balance as he said he is re-mortgaging his house next year and the credit card will effect it. He has promised he will pay me back for the credit card and also the other money as soon as he has sorted his money out.

we had a chat about the credit card last Thursday and i said i feel like he has conned me into getting this card and its only fair that i cut the credit card off now so he cant spend anything else on it but carries on paying it back. he aggreed that was fair but just let him use it Saturday night to take his boys out for dinner for easter

last night i text him saying ive cancelled the card now as he's taken the boys out for dinner.
he completely lost it with me and send me some awful texts saying he needs it tomorrow (today) and hes warning me about the fucking shit he keeps getting off me. he said i promise from the bottom of my heart i will leave you. i am not making threats i am telling you straight and i dont give a shit weather that bothers you or not.
he said he's running out of patience with me big time. if i give him any more lectures then we're finished and told me to put the card back on. his boys are the only people in the world who make him smile and they are less hassle than me.

its upset me so much and i do just want out now but i still love him so much and cant bring myself to do it. he also has said he would always pay me back what he owes me if we split up cos he knows i would be on his back for the rest of his life. but i still worry he wont.

i have barely £6 to myself each week after all bills are paid, i cant afford to pay back a credit card. i am already paying back a loan which i had to get out to pay back my overdraft because he hasn't paid back the other £600 he owes me.

my life is such a mess and i just dont know what to do.

OP posts:

oliviaelanasmum · 24/03/2008 12:28

He sounds a t**t! I wouldn't put the card back on, he seems to be using you as a cash machine.

MegBusset · 24/03/2008 12:30

He sounds like he has totally taken you for granted. He is running out of patience with you? I am amazed that you have stood for this for so long. You should cut your losses now, or do you want to be even further in debt in a year's time due to this man?

Not sure about your legal rights re: him paying back what he owes you, but keep any texts or emails relating to the debt, and have a chat with the CAB.

CrackerOfNuts · 24/03/2008 12:30

OMG don't you dare carry on letting him use you like this, you are worth so much more than that.

Did he ever introduce you to his kids in the end ?? That was you wasn't it ?

Original poster

juicychops · 24/03/2008 12:32

i hadn't actually cancelled the card as i antisipated this happening as i knew he was off work today with his boys.

but he did say to me i could cancel it after meal sat night. he could of asked me nicely last night as he is the one who wanted a favour from me, but he just went crazy throwing abuse at me. i just cant handle it anymore but im scared of loosing my money too

OP posts:

MegBusset · 24/03/2008 12:32

"he said he's running out of patience with me big time. if i give him any more lectures then we're finished and told me to put the card back on. his boys are the only people in the world who make him smile and they are less hassle than me."

This is bullying and emotional abuse, sorry. His money problems are not your responsibility, he needs to grow up.

Original poster

juicychops · 24/03/2008 12:33

crackerofnuts, yes that was me and no i still haven't met his kids which im also at my wits end about too

OP posts:

MegBusset · 24/03/2008 12:34

Cancel the card. Then call the CAB about your rights over his debt to you. Does he have any income? If so then you could probably take him to the small claims court and sort out an arrangement over repayment.

3NAB · 24/03/2008 12:34

Only read the OP

DUMP this person right now.

3NAB · 24/03/2008 12:36

And cancel the card immediately.

If you don't, you are asking him to take more money from you.

Wisteria · 24/03/2008 12:37

JC - he sounds like a professional manipulator - how do you know whether these children actually exist?

nkf · 24/03/2008 12:38

Do you have children with him? If not, why are you considering even for a minute putting up with him?

He probably won't pay you back. You just have to let the money - and him - go.

Good luck.

Original poster

juicychops · 24/03/2008 12:41

his kids do exist, ive seen them from a distance, im close with his mum, dad and sister. and ive known him for years before we were together so always known he has kids

no, i haven't got kids with him

i just feel so shit. i cant afford this kind of debt. just cant stop crying

OP posts:

CrackerOfNuts · 24/03/2008 12:42

Juicy, what exactly is it that you get out of your relationship with him ?? He really seems to be having his cake and eating it.

He doesn't think enough of you to introduce you to his children, and if I remember rightly, he had you attend a family party and you weren't allowed to say that you were his gf, and now he has got you into debt.

Cut of his credit supply, seek advice about the debt, and don't have anything more to do with him.

3NAB · 24/03/2008 12:43

you need to finish with him today, get advice about getting the money back via the small claims court and stop the card immediately.

You have got to believe you deserve better than this.

MegBusset · 24/03/2008 12:46

JC, the first step is to cancel the credit card -- do that now. Then you are at least limiting your debt.

The CAB will be able to advise, but even if you can't get him to repay the debt, they should help you reach an agreement with the cc company so that repayments are at a level you can afford. It is really important to face up to the problem now, though -- if you bury your head in the sand it will only get worse.

Wisteria · 24/03/2008 12:47

Sweetheart - get out or get rid.

I hate to be the harbinger of doom but it sounds highly unlikely you will ever see the money anyway so it would be better to cut your losses now. As someone else said, keep everything you have regarding his involvement in the debt and go and see CAB. I have a horrid feeling that you will be liable for the whole debt but you may be able to do an IVA which will freeze and/ or reduce it.

I had an ex like this, he still owes me £2k but it was cheaper both financially and emotionally to cut him loose and swallow the debt

A guy who truly loved you would neither ask for all these things or give you grief about it. Why should he be able to take his kids out for a meal when you are surviving on £6 per week? I can't afford to take my kids out for a meal.................so I don't! I wouldn't dream of doing something unnecessary with debt money/ someone else's money, so why should he?

£3,500 FFS?? What sort of Christmas did his boys get??

madamez · 24/03/2008 12:48

CUt off all finance to him now. CHange the locks. Go and see a lawyer and get a letter sent to him asking him how he proposes to repay the money he has conned out of you.
You should also get legal advice on having some of the debt set aside or transferred to him, given that you entered into the finance agreements under coercion or deception.

Miggsie · 24/03/2008 12:48

...he has made you liable for all HIS credit card debts and HE is cross?
You should be incandescent with him. Sounds like he is using you as an easy source of money...what is he doing with his own money?
He has also lied to you to get more money.
Cancel the card right now, start paying off as much as you can each month to get rid of the debt and avoid a bad credit rating.
Change the locks and pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep.
This may sound harsh but you should not be treated like this, and you should not be carrying his ex family financially.
Please please get rid of this dreadful man and stop what he is doing to your self esteem and financial health.

ShinyDysonHereICome · 24/03/2008 12:50

Does he even HAVE any kids?

I would report the card as stolen. In effect that's what he's done.

MadameCh0let · 24/03/2008 12:52

He was using you as the Bank of Juicy Chops. The bank of Juicy Chops has now closed for business and you are seeing his true colours....

mrsruffallo · 24/03/2008 12:56

Right, the first thing you need to do is cancel the card.Then ask yourself what you are doing with him.
I agree with the others, you need to accept you are not getting this money back.
You will not see any money from the re-mortgaging of the property, if that happens at all.
Give him all the time he needs with his boys- leave him. He sounds like a dickhead.

Original poster

juicychops · 24/03/2008 12:56

everything you al say is true i just love him so much! i realised a while ago we have no real future but it hurts so much that all the dreams i have had and hopes for us are just a pile of shit!

he doesn't live with me so i suppose that makes it a bit easier, but its harder cos he is the first man i ever loved and the only man i have ever truly loved and i cant just let go like that its too hard

OP posts:

3NAB · 24/03/2008 12:58

It is hard but you have to finish it now or you are accepting he will treat you like cr*p and continue to walk all over you.

Wisteria · 24/03/2008 12:58

OK - I'm going to be much harsher now.........

What is there to love about him? It sounds like you are in love with the idea of being in love as opposed to loving him.

He doesn't love you I'm afraid, he wouldn't say those things to you if he did. You sound like a lovely person and there will be a much more decent guy to fall in love with one day.

PS - if his name is Tony then get rid.....now!!

MegBusset · 24/03/2008 12:59

Sadly, this man has abused your love, taken advantage of it and thrown it away. You deserve someone who treats you with decency and respect, and you WILL find that person. But first you need to rid yourself of this man who will destroy your self-esteem and your finances if you let him continue.

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