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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

at my wits end with my dp. think its time to call it a day but i dont know how i can bring myself to end it

65 replies

juicychops · 24/03/2008 12:25

long story but il try to cut it short...
me and dp have been together over 2 years but i have known him for years

he has 3 kids aged 10-14 who he sees at weekends. Dec 06 i extended my overdraft to lend him money to get through xmas with his boys. this has slowly added up to £600 over the year and hasn't paid any of it back yet.
last June he begged me to get a credit card as he couldn't get one under his name (something to do with his mortgage he has where his ex lives with his kids). he wanted to get a car and driving lessons so he could sort his life out and be able to see his boys more. he promised it would only be for a few months until he tried a bit harder to get his own credit card then he would transfer the balance.

He is now up to the limit of this credit card which is £3500 and hasn't had one single drivinglesson or bought a car. all the money has gone on xmas and crap for his boys.

he also wont get his own credit card to transfer the balance as he said he is re-mortgaging his house next year and the credit card will effect it. He has promised he will pay me back for the credit card and also the other money as soon as he has sorted his money out.

we had a chat about the credit card last Thursday and i said i feel like he has conned me into getting this card and its only fair that i cut the credit card off now so he cant spend anything else on it but carries on paying it back. he aggreed that was fair but just let him use it Saturday night to take his boys out for dinner for easter

last night i text him saying ive cancelled the card now as he's taken the boys out for dinner.
he completely lost it with me and send me some awful texts saying he needs it tomorrow (today) and hes warning me about the fucking shit he keeps getting off me. he said i promise from the bottom of my heart i will leave you. i am not making threats i am telling you straight and i dont give a shit weather that bothers you or not.
he said he's running out of patience with me big time. if i give him any more lectures then we're finished and told me to put the card back on. his boys are the only people in the world who make him smile and they are less hassle than me.

its upset me so much and i do just want out now but i still love him so much and cant bring myself to do it. he also has said he would always pay me back what he owes me if we split up cos he knows i would be on his back for the rest of his life. but i still worry he wont.

i have barely £6 to myself each week after all bills are paid, i cant afford to pay back a credit card. i am already paying back a loan which i had to get out to pay back my overdraft because he hasn't paid back the other £600 he owes me.

my life is such a mess and i just dont know what to do.

OP posts:

3NAB · 24/03/2008 13:02

No one else can help you if you won't help yourself.

mrsruffallo · 24/03/2008 13:03

Come on, you are a grown woman. Doesn't sound like love to me

turquoise · 24/03/2008 13:07

It's not him you love, it's those hopes and dreams that you are talking about. But they are never, ever going to happen with scumbag piece of shit, because he doesn't love you.

Cut your losses now, before he cons any more money out of you.

ShinyDysonHereICome · 24/03/2008 13:08

You could be paying off that debt for YEARS- someone who does that to you is not showing you that they love you

mrsruffallo · 24/03/2008 13:11

I agree with shiny- it is going to take you years to pay off over 4,000 pounds.

GirlySquare · 24/03/2008 13:11

hi juicychops, look at moneysavingexpert.com and balance transfer the card over to a low interest rate one. Talk to the CAB.

think of the advice you would give to a friend in your situation.

I know it's hard, though in the end you'll know you made the right decision. you'll just have to get through the cold turkey stage first.

Are you willing to support this loser until he bankrupts you and moves on?

MadameCh0let · 24/03/2008 13:16

I think I can say with complete certainty that your dreams have more chance of coming true if you dump this guy. Your next boyfriend can only be better than this.

I would make his parents award of how much money he owes you. Do you still have the credit card bills with the details of what the money was spent on?? Try and shame him into paying.

TheAntiFlounce · 24/03/2008 13:17

he's an abusive cunt and if he left you he would be doing you a favour. Sorry for the reality check, but this man doesn't love you any more than he would love a loan company - he loves what you can do for him. He loves your credit references.

He won't pay you back, all you can do now is cut him off before he racks up any more.

I'm sorry it's gone like this for you

Miggsie · 24/03/2008 13:19

Talk to someone about those hopes and dreams...you are acting as if they matter more than what he is doing to you.
If you bought a cat would you expect it to bark like a dog...would you wait forever hoping it would spontaneously mutate into a dog?
Will that actually ever happen?
You partner is not going to fulfil your hopes and dreams.
Get out, and find a man who might. Don't martyr yourself over an idea you have about relationships. If you leave this terrible man you will actually have a chance of happiness.
Right now nothing will happen except he will get worse and worse.

TheAntiFlounce · 24/03/2008 13:19

juicychops, you don't have to ask nicely to cancel the card, it's your damn card! YOu are lending him money at credit card rate in YOUR NAME and he isn't repaying you.

REALITY CHECK

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

YOU OWE HIM NO EXPLANATIONS

HE OWES YOU CASH.

mrsruffallo · 24/03/2008 13:20

Quite right AntiFlounce- he will move on to someone with a better credit rating soon enough anyway

madamez · 24/03/2008 13:22

Once you have had some financial advice about the best way of transferring some if not all of the responsibility for the debts to him via either the small claims court or the police, then seek out some self-esteem/self-help books or groups and a crash course in basic feminism. You are a persn, not an appliance or a service mechanism for men. Because if you carry on believing in 'love' as some kind of outside mystical force that excuses everything, you are going to move on from this con artist straight into the arms of another one. And somewhere down the line, one of them won't just be a thief, he'll be violent with it.

TheAntiFlounce · 24/03/2008 13:34

Please tell us you are going to kick him to the kerb

OverMyDeadBody · 24/03/2008 13:39

madamez is right.

For the love of god leave this guy! He's using you and certainly doesn't love you.

And for goodness sake cancel the card right now. I'm asuming you've being paying off the monthly payments on the card too?

OverMyDeadBody · 24/03/2008 13:42

I echo what the others have said too about this guy not ever fulfilling your hopes and dreams. It's just not going to happen.

Original poster

juicychops · 24/03/2008 13:45

ive just text him and he rang me sayin he doesn't wanna break up. he then asked after we had chatted for a few mins what i wanted to do and i said i still wanna break up. then he hung up on me

just feel so shit.

he has been paying the monthly payments on the credit card

OP posts:

captainmummy · 24/03/2008 13:47

FOR GODS SAKE!!

'i love him. I really love him'

Would you do these things to him. No? Why? - becuse you love him.
Why then does he do these things to you? Does he love you?

DO HE BLOODY DOESN'T. He is saying these things to get you to open your purse a bit more. He knows you are a BLOODY soft touch, and just need the threat of this 'catch' slipping out of your life to make you bend over bakcwards a bit more.
You dont want to hear it, but he is a con-man. And you are being taken for as mucha s you will give. WAKE UP!!!!!

sparkybabe · 24/03/2008 13:54

Juicychops - think about how you could go about getting money if you have no conscience.

pick a weak, clingy person-of-the-opposite sex and make them depend on you, without telling anyone else that you are actually a couple.
spin all sorts of lies about needing car/driving/lessons etc
Not pay a single penny back
when he/she gets upset about the amount you owe, start getting shirty, threaten to leave and take your 'support' away from her if she doesn't put up and shut up
leave anyway, and leave your debts behind too.

You do need to grow some balls, i'm afraid.

TheAntiFlounce · 24/03/2008 14:07

Don't feel shit. He should feel like a shit.

OverMyDeadBody · 24/03/2008 14:26

Why do you feel shit?! You should feel liberated and glad that you're finally shaking this shithead leach off for good.

Original poster

juicychops · 24/03/2008 14:29

i just feel like ive wasted 2 years of my life

ive got to go out now with ds so il check my messages when i get home tonight

thanks everyone for your replies

OP posts:

OverMyDeadBody · 24/03/2008 14:30

So make sure you don't waste any more of it, and put it down to experience. You'll never make this mistake again right!

Concentrate on the future rather than dwelling on the past that you have lost. That will help you move on quicker too.

MadameCh0let · 24/03/2008 14:33

You have wasted 2 yrs of your life. I wasted 8 once. GET OUT now.

Cut the cord. You'll get over this honestly. Wtih the benefit of hindsight you'll be glad you finished it with him.

lou33 · 24/03/2008 14:35

it's time to leave him jc

this will make you ill if it isnt already

please try and find the strength to do so, and good luck

3NAB · 24/03/2008 14:40

if you feel like you have wasted 2 years look at it positively and don't let him have any more of your time or money.

change your mobile number

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