Text exchange for arranging a date

[usernamedone]

Am I overthinking this text exchange about arranging a date, worried hes not really into the idea and just being polite before blowing it out (he's white reply's)

Ah sorry misunderstood!

The text is ok if you're an ow.

Not ok if you're thinking about a commited respectful partner.

God raise your bar people and stop being gaslighted, by the likes of people like @Moonfishstar, if he's male he is explaining how to accept crumbs, or if it's a woman then their expectations have been desimated by low grade men.

@RandomForest

All I'm saying is that you can't possibly read in "breadcrumbing" into a couple of messages in a brief exchange over such a short period.

Of course we should have standards, but to over-react to things like that means we risk losing decent men, and focus on the smooth talkers, who often end up being shits in the end.

He didn't say he was too tired to see the OP? He said the reason he had a brainfart and forgot Thursday was because he was tired. I'm not sure holding men to a standard of never being tired is very reasonable.

Also, if you want men to arrange every date on account of owning penises, then that's up to you, but what I get sick of is the idea that this is some sort of deep dating wisdom that applies to everyone, because All Men Must Pursue and All Women Must Play Hard To Get. Both those things are rooted in stereotypes I personally find to be nonsense, and throwing them in the bin never hurt me when I was dating.

@gannett too tired to even think about organising anything. Even better. ‘I forgot about Thursday’? Does he not know the days of the week? The point is, if he were keen he wouldn’t be forgetting about anything. He’d want to know when he was next seeing her.

I read that whole exchange as him being reluctant to agreeing to see OP. The whole thing is low effort. He didn’t even return the sentiment of ‘it would be lovely to see you’. Just ‘sweet, good to me’.

absolutely it’s good for him. He hasn’t had to do a thing.

also it’s not about playing hard to get. It’s about being hard to get. Not giving your energy away to guys who make no effort.

Ok, so I could only see 3 text messages until I clicked on the photo. He's happy to meet you, I can't see the problem with the text exchange personally.

I dated in a very similar way to you with dh and before. I let them ask and organise the dates. It was enough interest to accept, show up, look nice and be pleasant company. I can’t recall a single one of the guys I dated complaining and pretty much alway got asked out again. DH is far from a wimp, he’s very alpha but also romantic. I wanted that so my way of dating weeded out the lazy, cheap or lukewarm types. You will always get slated on mums net for that kind of dating strategy though. Then they’re moaning because they’ve been ghosted or worse still they’ve had a 3 kids and he won’t propose 🤣

Good to know I’m not the only one. Certainly feels that way on here 😂

I mean it’s working well so far so we’ll see how it goes!

😆

I couldn’t be arsed with someone who wrote haha and ha at something that isn’t funny.

I agree with others, I don’t think he’s taking you seriously at all, the way he comes across on his messages is that he’s treating it all like a joke and isn’t that bothered. I can’t fathom what he’s laughing at!

I think he's coming across as a bit noncommittal at the beginning but then you continue and seem a tad pushy but then saying "be nice to see you", you don't really give him much choice? If I were you, I'd see him Thursday and then completely leave the next meet up until he organises it and initiates organising a date. X

Ok so let’s take away the haha bit then - which until I saw this update I thought he was treating the whole thing like a joke.

But yes. Let’s pretend the haha and the ha isn’t there, it actually looks even worse. He’s being non committal and making no real effort to try and arrange something. He’s letting you do all the work. He could have suggested Thursday himself if he wanted to but he apparently ‘forgot’ about that! Really?It actually looks as if he’s trying to put you off/ let you down gently by saying he is “tired though”. His last message is in response to you making the decision to see each other on the Thursday and his reply to that doesn’t sound very enthusiastic. Sorry but it just seems as if he isn’t as interested as you are and if you were to tell him you couldn’t make that day anymore he’d probably just say something like “ok no worries” and that would be that.

@toomanyleggings

DH is far from a wimp, he’s very alpha but also romantic

Well, yes, if you want a man to be "in control" and "very alpha" then being the passive one who decides what, where and when on dates is the way to go. I couldn't stand that personally.

@Muffin777

A simp isn't someone who has no initiative or drive, it's someone who will do anything for a woman whilst getting little in return. At the moment, he's making all the effort, and you're receiving and letting him do all the work... Chasing at the very beginning is one thing, but still doing so at 3 months? At 3 months in, I'd be worried... He's either a simp who will always let you walk all over him, or very alpha who will soon enough expect you to fulfil your side of the bargain by doing the "woman's work" as you begin to settle. But, I may be wrong, and if it's working for you, then that's good - each relationship dynamic is different.

Personally I let my DH do organising and didn't push to arrange dates/times as I wanted to see that he was consistent with him wanting for us to be together.
IMO you could take a step back and give him space to show you that he is making an effort and that he wants to be with you.

Look how quickly you reply!! Poor lad hasn’t had time to take a sip of his tea before there’s another incoming message from you. Seriously, back the fuck off. You (and now us) are analysing text messages like lovestruck teenagers. If he was mad about you you’d know about it. Men aren’t that complicated- if they’re keen on you they make the effort. This one isn’t that bothered.

He definitely isn’t getting very little in return. And no, I’m not talking about sex.

I also think it’s a misconception that the one who organises is ‘in control’. in control of the date maybe, and that’s a good thing. The whole relationship? No.

Anyway, is he a simp and being walked all
over or is he generally the one ‘in control‘? It can’t be both.

Also op, he didn’t bother to answer your question when you asked how’s your night been. It just looks like he can’t be arsed, he probably has other options by the looks of it if I’m being honest.

You do come across as a bit pushy in that text.
You're not asking him, you are telling him.
Back off a bit and relax.

Anyway, is he a simp and being walked all
over or is he generally the one ‘in control‘? It can’t be both

Fair point, but in my last post I said simp or alpha. If he's a "simp", he's in control because he has no other choice if he wants to see you again. If "alpha", he's in control because that's what he expects, and it won't end with organising dates... it becomes less endearing when he's organised the holiday he wanted to fit his tastes, or organising your schedule so you can't see your friends and family.

This doesn’t really make sense. Being in control because you have no other choice, is not really being in control 😅

this is missing the point anyway. He would be in control of the plans. Not of me. And not of the relationship as a whole.

he doesn’t organise things purely to his tastes. Or organise my schedule. If you’re worried a man taking ownership over things and planning things means he has control over you as a person I would say that’s quite concerning. I have strong boundaries and if I didn’t like something or was uncomfortable with something I would say.

like… I can always say no if he wants to do something and I can’t make it? 😅

I think this is totally fine. I wouldn't overthink it.

His post indicates he is tired and doesn't want to do anything

Why push it? If I was him I would reply no we can't do Thursday.

You seem pushy

@Muffin777 there’s no point arguing. It’s always the same on here. Say that you want a guy to be romantic enough to plan dates and you’re automatically going to be chained to the sink and beaten round the head nightly if dinner isn’t on the table. I’ve been with dh seven years, and he doesn’t control me. I’ve got two spa trips in the diary this month while he looks after the kids. I still let him book our restaurants when we go out because he enjoys finding new places to eat. I choose our family holidays in the main because I’m picky about accommodation with the kids.

"if he were keen he wouldn't forget anything" is not a sentence that makes sense to me. Many things I care about have slipped my mind over the course of my life. Because as a human beng I am allowed to be tired, absent-minded and stressed by other things going on in my life other than my romantic partner. If you really think forgetfulness is really reflective of how much someone cares for you... you don't know a great deal about how the brain works.

And yes, I've forgotten the days of the week. Have you never had a brainfart.

I don't "give anything away" to guys when I date because it's not an activity where I do anything other than what I want to do. And why would I want to be hard to get if I like someone? If I like someone, making the effort to see them is something that benefits me.

Personally I also prefer a low-key texter who just gets to the point to someone constantly trying to impress me, too. My own texts are similarly terse and I wouldn't even put token kisses on the end.

From the opposite point of view, it feels like whenever you say that you have no time for traditional romance, traditional masculinity or being pursued, you get hordes of wannabe-knowing serial daters shrieking RAISE YOUR BAR over and over again. My bar is exactly where I want it and it has only benefited me.