What would you do about this? User brother

[Feelingalittleused]

Hi everyone. I’m feeling a little down and disappointed and want some advice and perspective please. I’m awful at confrontation but I have really hit my limit and DH is also annoyed so I know I need to do something.

my older brother never ever ever pays for anything. We have more money than him but he’s someone who always has money for what he wants to do, if you see what I mean. There’s just a general expectation that I/my mother or my other brother always pay for him, and I’ve had enough of it. Last week I went swimming with my children and he said he wanted to come with us. As we were out and about and he didn’t have trunks I bought him some. He didn’t come in the baby pool with ne and the children / he went and swam lengths for 30 mins and then went to the sauna.

I was surprised by this level of CFery, even for him. I therefore made it clear (via text) when my half sister visited this weekend that if we went for lunch he was welcome but would need to pay for himself. He didn’t even offer. My mother also joined us, had several glasses of wine and then said “I don’t have any cards with me btw”. So I ended up paying 200£ and basically just feel like prize moron as I didn’t want to embarrass him re paying But I now feel used and resentful and im
not sure what to do. Please help!

Tell him how much he owes for the swimmers and lunch!

(Why did you buy his trunks? If he said he didn't have any then you should have just said well you wont be coming in the pool then!)

If he doesn't repay you then you don't go anywhere with him again - and be crystal clear why to him and your Mum.

How on earth did you end up buying him swimming trunks? Surely if he wanted to go so bad, he would have had to work out how to get himself trunks. I would have just said “meet you in there” and let him sort himself out.

You are too accommodating - just stop!

@Feelingalittleused

My mother also joined us, had several glasses of wine and then said “I don’t have any cards with me btw”. So I ended up paying 200£ and basically just feel like prize moron as I didn’t want to embarrass him re paying But I now feel used and resentful and im not sure what to do. Please help!

Sorry I'm unsure who didn't have their cards - was it your mother or your grasping brother?

You're going to have to be a bit quicker thinking than your brother OP - he's thought out his actions before you and is running rings around you. The incident with the trunks - he was an absolute cheeky sod - I'm guessing you paid his entry fee also. You may need to let him be embarrassed (does he really capable of embarrassment?) and let him fail to get money from you. How does your husband cope with this behaviour- can he give your brother both barrels too? 🌹

Firstly thank you to everyone for not just calling me an idiot - I feel like one massively. I should have just said, at the restaurant, ok and aren’t you paying also as discussed? But I find those situations excruciating.

with the trunks - I offered because I thought he was going to join us and play with the children in the pool. I brought this up jokingly over lunch yesterday to my mother in front of him and he said I was exaggerating (which really shocked me as I it’s so delusional) and he thinks came in the baby pool with us. I was very clear that “you came into the baby pool for 1 minute to ask me if we had goggles, took spare ones i had brought for my toddler and then fucked off back to the big pool. Even the children were like wtf is he doing”. I’m glad everyone doesn’t think im overreacting as it massively shocked me, even for him.

i think my brother did bring money and just didn’t pay. My mother joined us after food - she lives 2 minutes from the restaurant - drank 3 glasses (or 4 I can’t remember) before saying “I didn’t bring my cards btw”. Which I also think is pretty cheeky. I just feel quite used by everyone in general. DH is furious because he also thinks they always use me and my other brother.

do you think it’s a cowardly thing to do to get DH to ask my brother? Or make a comment? The thing is we don’t “need” the money because we are comfortable so I don’t want to look greedy or mean but I pay for so bloody much and it’s the principle of having agreed he will pay and then he still didn’t!

You need to tell your brother it is nothing to do with your husband

The reason you feel used is because you are being used.

It's quite odd behaviour to buy an adult swimming trunks just so he will play with your DC. Stop hoping your family will be anything except what they are and you will be less disappointed. I'd also stop being in situations costing money. See people at the house or at the park.

Phone him now and tell him what he owes you for the trunks and his share of the meal. Insist he transfers or gives you the money today.

At the restaurant, when the bill arrived you should have turned to him and said, "Your share is xxxx". Honestly you need to find your backbone, I don't understand why you meekly paid up. He's a cheeky fucker and you need to act accordingly.

And your reaction to anyone saying "I didn't bring my cards" should be "No problem, I'll pay your share for now but don't forget you owe me xxxx." Then keep reminding until they pay up.

Why did you buy the trunks for him?

Does your mum fail to pay her share regularly? Is your brothers behaviour learnt behaviour from mum?

Start taking cash out only. Only take enough to cover your needs, not theirs. You can quickly settle up your side of any bill and leave them to sort themselves out.

If they ask why you are not taking a cash card explain that your outgoings are too great at the moment so you need to rein them in.

It's quite odd behaviour to buy an adult swimming trunks just so he will play with your DC

I don’t think it was odd under the circumstances. We were at the playground and he messaged me asking if I was home/could he pop round. I explained we were at the playground near the pool. He joined us. We had been there for ages and I explained we were going swimming in 15 mins and he was welcome to join us. He said he didn’t have any trunks, so I said that’s ok I’ll get you trunks if you want to come with us. Maybe it’s odd? I think the relationship is just so ingrained with us always paying for him. My mother on the group chat for example 2 days ago she was flying home from holiday and asked someone to book her a cab as “it was too complicated” so my other brother did. It was clear to me she just wanted a free cab.

if I ask them for money now they will be totally shocked and I agree I need a backbone so I do want to do something or say something. The other brother enables them though (like I’ve been doing) so it makes me look mean if I say anything.

re DH - it is his business because 1) we are in a loving relationship and I am and therefore he cares and 2) I’m a SAHM and he’s the breadwinner. It’s all our money/equal access etc but the point is it’s his money too and and he’s sick of us always being sponged off of.

Either don’t invite him again or get the money up front. Hard line. If you are in a restaurant and he hasn’t given you money, don’t allow him to order. Order your food and say to him in front of the waiting staff “I am not paying for you. I don’t have the money for that so make sure you can pay for yourself.”

let your other brother continue to be a mug. Someone has to change the dynamic.

Does your mum fail to pay her share regularly? Is your brothers behaviour learnt behaviour from mum?

I have it in my head that she is generous and often pays but DH yesterday pointed out she hasn’t paid for anything - a meal or otherwise - in years.

we have fallen into a pattern where DB1 and I are just carrying the load of the family as we are doing well financially. It’s actually quite toxic because it’s become an enforced dynamic. I feel uncomfortable with it and used but I also feel I have to put up with it or risk being seen as selfish, unkind or mean with money.

I agree with only taking cash.
And this morning text your db and tell him that he owes x amount as agreed.

Your db and dm know that you're not selfish.
They also know that they can trample all over your boundaries and that's your biggest problem.

Don't make it into a thing, just factually and warmly WhatsApp your brother and mother yourself ‘shorts £?, meal £? So let’s call it £?? owed to me. Here’s my bank details below, thanks for squaring up’

it’s not tight or greedy of you but it is tight and greedy of them to be so entitled

I would stop seeing them for anything which requires money. So pop over DM’s for a coffee or see DB for a walk but never do anything which requires money being spent. If they ask, just explain you aren’t paying for free-loaders anymore.

It really is this simple.

If they get arsey or offended then you know they see you as a cash cow.

I am also supposed to have everyone over on my birthday which is Mother’s Day too, and I was going to order food for everyone (and pay as I’m hosting) but now I just don’t want to.

ok I will message my brother re transfer of restaurant. I feel much more awkward about asking my mother and don’t feel I can.

im just not paying for stuff again ive really really had enough

Not sure how these things even happen or exist

£200 is a LOT of money for most people. It’s probably too late to say anything now without a big row which I guess you don’t want. If, ( and that would be a big if ) there’s a next time, take cash, enough to pay for yourself. Do not bring your cards ( or say you haven’t) and see how they like it.
Buying an adult swimming trunks is a bit strange tbf, but he acted like a real dick. I wouldn’t want to socialise with someone like this, family or not.

I would announce you’re saving up for something so being more careful with money. Repeat when anything that costs money is discussed.
If they come to you on your birthday will they buy you lovely presents?

So cheeky brother & mother have sponged off you & other brother for years? But you're worried that if this stops, they'll think you're mean? They obviously don't give a toss about your feelings!

Booking a cab is the same scenario as "I forgot my cards" - just tell her what she owes, and keep chasing.

I suggest you & other brother have a chat and make a plan to stop all this freeloading.

I’d also message your siblings and say you will need them to bring things for Mother’s Day. Give cheeky brother the desserts to bring so when he brings nothing you can call him out.

BTW, the no cards thing is bollocks. Pretty much everyone under 50 has Apple Pay or similar on their phone.

my older brother never ever ever pays for anything.

I was surprised by this level of CFery

Why were you surprised?!

Don’t invite him out for lunch with your half-sister when you know he’s not going to pay. Don’t invite your mum either. If he/she asks later why didn’t you invite them, tell them it’s because they don’t pay.

‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got’

I am also supposed to have everyone over on my birthday which is Mother’s Day too, and I was going to order food for everyone (and pay as I’m hosting) but now I just don’t want to.

Have you told them this? I’d change plans and say DH is taking you out for Mother’s Day somewhere instead. Break the habits.