What would you do about this? User brother

[Feelingalittleused]

Hi everyone. I’m feeling a little down and disappointed and want some advice and perspective please. I’m awful at confrontation but I have really hit my limit and DH is also annoyed so I know I need to do something.

my older brother never ever ever pays for anything. We have more money than him but he’s someone who always has money for what he wants to do, if you see what I mean. There’s just a general expectation that I/my mother or my other brother always pay for him, and I’ve had enough of it. Last week I went swimming with my children and he said he wanted to come with us. As we were out and about and he didn’t have trunks I bought him some. He didn’t come in the baby pool with ne and the children / he went and swam lengths for 30 mins and then went to the sauna.

I was surprised by this level of CFery, even for him. I therefore made it clear (via text) when my half sister visited this weekend that if we went for lunch he was welcome but would need to pay for himself. He didn’t even offer. My mother also joined us, had several glasses of wine and then said “I don’t have any cards with me btw”. So I ended up paying 200£ and basically just feel like prize moron as I didn’t want to embarrass him re paying But I now feel used and resentful and im
not sure what to do. Please help!

I'm pissed off for you. They're all using you. So what if you're doing okay financially now? If your husband lost his job tomorrow (G-d forbid) how sure are you deep down that they would they start reciprocating the generosity? Members of my family are extremely wealthy but I would never ever expect them to pay or subsidise me. At the end of the day, it's simply not fair. You need to shake your embarrasment and awkwardness out and be matter of fact. It will really start eating at you and your husband otherwise. Channel your completely justified anger and disappointment and put it to good use to break the cycle. You can do it!

Because I specifically messaged him to say I would not be paying for him he said “fair enough” and then didn’t pay for him himself!

Because some people are not good at getting out of awkward and uncomfortable situations and this has arisen organically over a number of years of basically been used

I will message on the group chat now to say

I feel for you. But great that you've had enough and have decided are no longer being used. You just need to not do money paying things with them. Keep it to cups of tea or walks etc., don't entertain everyone on your birthday/Mother's Day. Say DH is taking you out and go out. Leave the amounts owing.... just leave them. Make your changes from now and work on yourself with your boundaries and how not to be take for granted/used.

Is it better to say we are doing something else on my birthday, or is it better to be honest and just say we don’t want to do it unless everyone is going to actually pay for themselves due to yesterday?

Why are you still trying to spare their feelings? Tell them the truth, everyone needs to pay their way.

You need to speak to the other brother that they sponge off and find out if he feels the same. If he doesn't you need to tell him how you feel and that you aren't subbing anymore.

Hopefully he will be on board with changing the dynamic and you can work on it together.

I would message CF brother and Mum and say how disappointed you are in them that they get again expected you to pay for them, especially DB as you had told him in advance.

Just be honest. Don’t be worried about upsetting people that don’t care about upsetting you.

'Db, I'm texting to ask for your portion of the restaurant bill. I've added it up and it's £x. We spoke about it beforehand and I made it clear that you were to pay for yourself. To find that you then 'forgot' your cards is the last straw. Please send over £x to my bank. From now on if we go out, I'll only have the right amount of cash for my families meals and no cards so please make sure you have some method of payment as otherwise you might find it embarrassing. '

'Dm it's become ridiculous how much money that I'm expected to hand over for db and recently yourself. Like yesterday at the restaurant you came and drank wine with no intention of paying for yourself which is incredibly rude. From now on if we go out, I'll only have the right amount of cash for my families meals and no cards so please make sure you have some method of payment as otherwise you might find it embarrassing.'

For my birthday this year ive decided to go out for a meal with dh and the dc. we'll be back at 3pm if youd like to join us for coffee and some cake.

DB didn’t forget cards he just didn’t offer to pay and I was too embarrassed as he said he would to ask.

I have messaged my other brother to explain how I’m feeling so will see what he says too. But I’ve also let everyone know we aren’t doing food. Good idea to say they are welcome for coffee and cake!

He said he didn’t have any trunks, so I said that’s ok I’ll get you trunks if you want to come with us. Maybe it’s odd?

Well it wouldn't be odd if he was under 16, say, but to offer to buy trunks for an adult is strange in my opinion! Why couldn't he go and buy his own if he was so keen to come along? Why is your default position to act like his Mum??

Next time he pulls a stunt like that in a restaurant, call the waitress over and ask for YOUR part of the bill and then settle it. Calmly get up and as you are leaving say I will leave you to sort out your share of the bill with the restaurant and then LEAVE IMMEDIATELY so you don't have to deal with any awkwardness (switch off your phones BEFORE you leave). Do not enter in to any back and forth about whether he has his card/wallet, if he says anything just ignore him and leave.

I can virtually promise you that he will never pull that stunt again because of the awkwardness, embarrassment or just the sheer cost of being made to pay for it especially if he's been running up a big bill. When you leave the restaurant turn off your phone and leave him to arrange how to pay the restaurant if he has genuinely forgotten his wallet - this happens all the time so they will sort out something with him. Importantly do not bail him out if he asks to borrow the money otherwise the lesson will not have been learned - and this is the main reason why you disappear and turn your phone off. Also exclude him from everything from now on in.

Yes it’s odd, no trunks no swimming. If perhaps a small child had forgotten them you’d maybe buy a pair. They sound awful leeches but you are enabling it.

Because although he is 3 years older than me he is a complete man child. He hops from job to job as he “doesn’t like them”. Then he pleads poverty. He has a very expensive hobby he can afford and never has a problem buying stuff he needs for himself, but then won’t have money to heat his flat (he has a flat he pays a tiny amount of rent on as it belongs to my mother).

we have all just ended up In the default position of funding him. My mother funds lots of dinners out for him etc which is why I think of her as paying for stuff - but in reality I never go to any of these meals so she never pays for me if that makes sense (and nor would I expect her to!)

I have absolutely been enabling it. It’s just been a slow burn over the years because I like to be generous but over time the level of expectation has crossed the line massively into entitlement on their side and idiocy on mine.

So really well done on recognising what’s happened and how. Now time to stop your part in it.

It’s not idiocy, you’ve been taught that this is your role, why would you question it when the „adults“ around you weren’t.

I do really feel these 2 small incidents have opened my eyes massively. Even with my mother. She favours my 2 brothers and I really now believe she thinks she is generous and owed because she pays for DB constantly. But that has absolutely nothing to do with me!

think I just won’t be going to any meals with them anyway (I seldom do) or getting them food when they come round if it’s not free/here.

im just not paying for stuff again ive really really had enough

You need to keep reiterating this sentence, to yourself and your family. They are taking advantage of you. I would also be having a conversation with your other sibling that is being mugged off, and support each other in staying strong in saying NO

my Other brother has responded to me that my plan for my birthday “makes sense”. I’m relieved as I thought he would stick up for my mother but maybe he shows he understand why I’ve had enough!

Possibly missing the point, but what kind of person agrees to meet someone else at a pool to go swimming and doesn't bring trunks?!? Is he OK in the head??

Well the "man child" brother will continue to act like a child while you and the others treat him like a child!

Just ask him for the money he owes and stop this ridiculous behaviour!

He said he didn’t have any trunks, so I said that’s ok I’ll get you trunks if you want to come with us.

... like you do (wtf didn't he buy his own trunks?)

Send him a picture of speedos with
you forgot to pay for these