What would you do about this? User brother

[Feelingalittleused]

Hi everyone. I’m feeling a little down and disappointed and want some advice and perspective please. I’m awful at confrontation but I have really hit my limit and DH is also annoyed so I know I need to do something.

my older brother never ever ever pays for anything. We have more money than him but he’s someone who always has money for what he wants to do, if you see what I mean. There’s just a general expectation that I/my mother or my other brother always pay for him, and I’ve had enough of it. Last week I went swimming with my children and he said he wanted to come with us. As we were out and about and he didn’t have trunks I bought him some. He didn’t come in the baby pool with ne and the children / he went and swam lengths for 30 mins and then went to the sauna.

I was surprised by this level of CFery, even for him. I therefore made it clear (via text) when my half sister visited this weekend that if we went for lunch he was welcome but would need to pay for himself. He didn’t even offer. My mother also joined us, had several glasses of wine and then said “I don’t have any cards with me btw”. So I ended up paying 200£ and basically just feel like prize moron as I didn’t want to embarrass him re paying But I now feel used and resentful and im
not sure what to do. Please help!

He said he didn’t have any trunks, so I said that’s ok I’ll get you trunks if you want to come with us.

Learn from this. It would have been better to say nothing-don’t solve their problems for them-they are grown ups.

That’s not what happened - we met at the playground (an impromptu thing) and then we were going swimming after and I asked if he wanted to join

No idea why you would offer to get him trunks or just keep quiet and pay for the restaurant? It’s enabling his cheeky Rucker’s, just stop! Tell him you’re getting separate bills if you’re out again and stop offering to get him stuff.

Wish I had a sister like you that I could rip off, I'd be quids in!

Ypu're going to have to stop inviting him to join you when you'e doing something. Totally. (He won't play with the kids anyway.)
And to stop going out for meals with him.
If he invites himself along to something say 'you'll need to pay £Xx then. If you can't do that then you can't come, because I can't/won't pay for you.'
Brutal but nothing else will work.

This is exactly it. I lent him some oven trays last week which I’ve asked for him to return so he will pop over later with them and I will say something re yesterday. My mother might also come over to see the children as she was on holiday until yesterday so I might be able to raise it with her too. No one responded on the group re the cancellation of my birthday/Mother’s Day, but that will be a good jumping off point for me. It’s good because I’m angry with myself as well as them so I will have the annoyance levels to actually say something and make it very clear how I feel/how it will be moving forward.

"...I have to put up with it or risk being seen as selfish, unkind or mean with money."

Why do you care what a couple of CFers think about you? They've been using you for years. So what if they're family? They take advantage of you and financially abuse you. If you don't want to be a victim, then stop.

Just stop subbing him , it’s not hard is it. When he said he had no trunks I would have said well that’s a shame, you can watch at the pool or will catch you later. You are enabling him to be a useless prick.

OP, Next time tell the restaurant servers, at the table, that you are all paying for your own food/drink. Say it in front of the greedy cheeky buggers who have their hands in your pockets. Doesn't matter if you don't "need" it - that's not the point. It's the greedy entitlement you and DH should be addressing. You say it should he backs you up. 🌹

It is if she's using family money.

Op stop inviting him places and if he invites just say no because he's a pisstaker.

Well then you'd be an awful person.

Op just tell them you've had enough of being taken advantage of.

@Feelingalittleused

He said he didn’t have any trunks, so I said that’s ok I’ll get you trunks if you want to come with us. Maybe it’s odd?

It's certainly foolish - unless you wish to be seen as a walking cash card? When will this ever end if you don't put a stop to it now? The apple (your cheeky brother) didn't fall far from the tree did it? 🌹

I would not even be hosting coffee and cake for them on my birthday. You'll probably get stuck with the clearing up.

a general expectation that I/my mother or my other brother always pay for him, and I’ve had enough of it..

Not surprised! Is he 5??

There's some family dynamics going on here (I'm not a therapist) which you have to get to the bottom of...

Get in touch with your inner bitch and learn to say NO! FUCK OFF etc.
You can always put it politely. Sorry, got bills to pay, kids to feed you know?!

The alternative is that you all miss out on living well, your kids in life and you in old age.....

He won't sort his life out. You all have. He chose his life, don't feel guilty.

It could be the making if him. You sink or swim in life.

How did your conversation go with the family? @Feelingalittleused

UPDATE

bit of an update here that is actually about my mother as well but wanted to post here as back story is clearer rather than a new post.

today was my birthday. Mother bought me a jacket from a brand which was clearly fake. Just to preface this story by saying she is pretty comfortable financially. There was a label on the jacket that made it out was hundreds of pounds but I was confused as it was very poor material/I shop at this brand and have never seen this jacket . Had a quick Google and found it on eBay for 30£. It’s hard to explain this really without sounding grabby but I feel incredibly sad that she spent the same on my present as she does on my brother’s main at dinner 2-3 nights a week when she takes him out. It feels disingenuous to have left a false price on there too - if she knew me at all she would know I’d rather have a 20£ bunch of flowers or a jumper from marks and Spencer’s that wasn’t fake. It’s not about the money if you see what I mean - it’s about how much I don’t feel valued.

also both brothers and I are going to cinema next week. DB1 has bought tickets and I’ve been clear I will be buying DB1 snacks and drinks in return. I am absolutely not buying DB2 a fucking thing and I will go through the awkwardness of paying for DB1 and DB2 and ignoring the embarrassing situation created by a 36 year old who goes out expecting others to foot the bill every time.

I would also like to reply to this to say that my mother came round today to give my birthday gift and told me she had explained to DB that I had cancelled the Mother’s Day/birthday lunch because DH was “sick of bank rolling everyone”

I was very pissed off - I explained to her; as she knew already, that that’s not the issue. The issue is DB has taken the piss with his recent behaviour and it has nothing to do with DH.

DB was apparently making comments like “if I won the lottery I would always pay for everyone - it’s family isn’t it”.

DH hasn’t won the lottery. He’s worked 100 hour weeks for over a decade to get where he is. He had the same education that DB has had. It’s also very easy to say you’d pay for everyone when you’re the one who never pays!

Why don't you tell her the jacket doesn't fit you properly and you would like to take it back and possibly exchange for something else. You could ask for the receipt. Do it face to face so you can see her reaction and give her no wriggle room.

If this was mentioned I missed it. When out to eat with others I specify separate bills, or if I'm treating specify dinner only, or drinks included. It's up front and out of the way.