Bit of a weird one possibly tmi

[cocoapple]

I’m not a troll, just wanting opinions as I am mad/hurt but DP doesn’t see the problem and I’ve been made to feel some kind of prude etc.

So we were DTD last night, halfway through DP gets his “penis extender” out. I don’t even know if it’s actually called that. Basically it looks like a dildo that he puts on (I know how ridiculous this sounds) I didn’t even know he had ordered it . We tried it a couple of months ago but I told him I didn’t like it as I have endometriotis and it really hurt me. Our sex life was/is fine, IMO he doesn’t even need it. Last night when he got it out of the draw I told him not to use it as it hurts me. He said I just need to take it and it will eventually feel ok. I said no I have endometriotis, that’s why it hurts. He basically ignored me and just carried on. After we had finished I was pissed off and told him why. He doesn’t see the problem and think I just need to “take it”

I promise again I’m not a troll and am sorry for the TMI but I’m angry that my feelings and wants have been ignored like me being hurt doesn’t matter to him

He completely disregarded your feelings. Not only did you not give consent but you actually said no you didn’t want him to use the penis extender thing because of the endometriosis causing discomfort: this is not OK OP and I hope you’re ok.

No you're definitely not,glad you have support.

Hi there,
We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page: https://www.mumsnet.com/i/domestic-violence-webguide
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That is rape. How would he feel if you shoved a massive vibrator up his arse and told him to just take it?

Please leave this abusive cunt

So there are already red flags that he’s abusive before this?

Good men don’t get moody when their partner doesn’t want sex.

So he ignores consent (lack of) and is sexually coercive.

He also sounds like he's bringing porn into your sex life.

I think he's from the (incredibly dumb) school of thought that believe vaginas stretch because eg they accommodate childbirth.
Well, childbirth is enabled by huge hormonal and physical changes (even your pelvis changes), and ateotd the "bottle neck" at the vaginal entrance/perineum can still be affected very badly by tears and injuries during it. Women's pelvic floor can be irreversibly damaged.
So no, vaginas don't just get used or stretch to accommodate anything, in or out.

He sounds like he's the type of man who believes nonsense about women's bodies (usually self serving nonsense) and doesn't even listen to them when they, the people with experience of owning those particular organs, tell them anything to the contrary.

I think you should get a big dildo/vibrator out the next time and say you want to use it on him, that he'll get used to it, gay men do it all the time, men love having their prostate stimulated, he'll get used to it ... And see what he thinks of you not taking no for an answer.

Well, I don't actually think you should do that - because I don't think you should have sexual contact with him again.

I see someone else has already used the word - rape

as that was my first reaction - this is a form of rape.

You say:, he said ' I just need to take it '. I said ' no '

you said NO

i will write that again just to be clear, you said NO

It's very weird for a man with a regular penis size, whose partner has never expressed dissatisfaction, to be buying penis extenders and using them for sex.

I mean, it's surely significantly reducing his sensation.

As another poster said, it sounds like a fetish or something (undoubtedly from porn).
About being massive or excessively stretching the woman or something.

He had no right to just introduce it into your sex life without discussion and agreement.
The fact that he did, you went along with it then, and this time, when he did it again and ignored your lack of enthusiasm, in fact lack of true consent; you also felt you had to tolerate it ...... suggests a real power imbalance in your relationship.

He seems to think he runs the show and can ride rough shod over you.

I was in a relationship with a sexual huffer ..... Looking back he was very very chauvanist and his attitude to women (while he verbally declared himself to be on women's side etc) left an awful lot to be desired. It was indicative of his general attitude to women and relationships.

Maybe you'll find it similar if you look at things with blinkers off.

Oh and for the record, I don't have endometriosis and I wouldn't want my partner using a penis extender either!

I can imagine it would bang your cervix and leave the vaginal entrance sore.

His attitude when you expressed reluctance and why ..... So incredibly arrogant and selfish and, to call a spade a spade, lacking decency.

Who goes ahead with something sexual that their partner says will cause then pain and that they don't really want to do? No decent person.

My ex had things like this because of a very weird kink he had. Entirely selfish just like your partner. It won't get better.

I see he's a P not an H - how easy is it to get rid of him?

He's essentially a rapist with a weird fetish.

He certainly doesn't let matters like true consent (or consideration for his partner) bother him.

He raped you. He gets off on your pain.

You really need to leave this relationship.

You didn’t consent so that’s rape. I think technically it’s assault by penetration but whatever we call it, it’s horrible and 100% unacceptable. I couldn’t ever forgive that.
I hope you are ok.

I'd actually say he's indifferent to her pain.

But the outcome is the same.

Thank you everyone. Definitely an eye opener to the relationship

' an eye opener to the relationship '

which I hope you are ending right now !

That was rape as the extender goes on his penni which he penetrated you with without consent. It is not a safe relationship. Do you live together?

If challenged he'll say he didn't stop because you didn't physically/robustly stop him .... It's bollocks though because he knew you didn't want to and he knew you weren't convinced,/ok with the "you'll get used to it" theory.

It was not enthusiastic consent, it was not true consent, it was you feeling obligated/pressured to go along with the sex and just giving in rather than truly consenting.

He raped you.

Leave him.

It shouldn't just be an eye opener, it should be an eek I'm dashing for the hills pronto moment.

Sex should be about mutual pleasure.

How is it about yours too when a. You told him it would probably cause you pain (and maybe it did the first time he decided he was going to.use it), b. you didn't ask for it/it wasn't a joint decision, and c. an extender would be like a dildo in texture and warmth; which is way less nice feeling than a dick (esp since it's not an all singing all dancing vibrator with features to perhaps compensate for the lack of natural feeling/warmth).

His attitude to sex ... including the huffing/mood (which is a type of coercion) .... Is worth consideration.

He also sounds like a porn hound. There are many views on porn but, going with the middle ground view that mild - moderate use is ok if it doesn't affect your sex life; this is affecting your sex life. Because it sounds like a porn based fetish.

But I suppose it's his character that is the issue too ... Because he might watch porn bit not think he's entitled to/that it's appropriate to cross things from porn over into his sex life ... especially without discussing and agreeing or not, with his sexual partner. There seems to have been little discussion and he's ride roughshod over your reservations/objections.
So it's not just/entirely that he's probably porn addled, it's his character, combiner with the porn.

I have one of these, use it with my dp occasionally (we like our toys). I can confirm the man gets no physical sensation from it, it's purely for the woman's pleasure. So the OP's husband has absolutely no reason to use it unless she wants him to. Worse than that, he knows it hurts her so the only reason to use it is because he actually wants to cause his wife pain. Which is as fucked up and sinister as him using it on you when you've asked him not to. Your DH isn't a man, he's a vile monster and you need to report him.

Penis* sorry

Because he's a sadistic abuser.

It's not even that you didn't enjoy it but it hurts you. Why (your medical condition) shouldn't need to be relevant- you said No and his response was to "take it"?! At the very least he's disrespecting you - he's certainly violated you.

You now need to consider if you want to continue to share your life with a sulky sex pest who won't take a clear No for an answer when a woman says No. 🌹