I am so sad and confused

[JadeTraybake]

Hi, I had a fallout with my parents again on the phone today I rang them yet again for some emotional support to talk about my ''relationship''. They said I was unreasonable and all I talk about is money and that money is not important and I should count myself lucky !

So, I have been with my ''partner'' for the last 14 years, I have spent last 10 year working part time to bring up our son, while he was building his business and paying off the mortgage (I have moved in in my early 20s , he has already owned the house but was still paying off the mortgage). He was the one that talked me into having a child and then I have realised I was being financially abused a few years ago. I was the one doing all the shit chores, cooking, sick days with a child etc. He has refused to get married (even with a prenup) , doesn't want a will and does not even want to put any bills in my name . I am the one buying all the food and in the argument I am being told I am a lodger. He was even blackmailing me to have another child out of wedlock a few years ago which i refused without being married first.

I have come back to full time employment a year ago, I am also studying part time and planning to leave him because I am very resentful about this unequal setup. I am paying my way, I buy all the food, all my expenses and always 50/50 to a penny on any holiday we take. I had to give him back £10 for the recent prescription he has bought for me when I was unwell. Even though he has never 'kept me' as such, I am told by him in the argument that I am a scrounger!

I have recently realised that he has £70k in personal savings and £130k in his work account (he is self employed) , yet we need to take in turns buying drinks in a pub.

I have tried to bring it up numerous time in the past and all I am hearing from him is that I am lucky to leave in such a nice house and I have nothing to complain about.

I no longer love him because everything above, we have slept in separate bedrooms for the last few years and I am saving up to leave, but I am 37 already and I feel like because of him I missed the boat to get on the property ladder, etc as I have worked part time for so long. Property prices are not getting out of my reach and he laughs at my face saying I should be grateful I have him.

So going back to my parents, I have been calling them for the last few year looking for some emotional support about my situation and plans to leave, and all I am getting from them is that I am ridiculous, all I talk about money, that money is not important and lots of people are not married and it is not a problem. That I should be grateful that I get to keep my salary for myself. That they don't want to keep on hearing about it anymore. They went as far as saying I am going to ruin our child's life by leaving him (our child is now in the secondary school).

I am so sad and confused, I think mostly about my parents lack of emotional support...

Find someone else to talk to. They obviously only want to hear positive things from you.

I think that not talking about money for years has led me to this situation as I was very naive but my dad has shouted at me on the phone that he has had enough hearing about it so I hanged up and told him to that I never want to speak to him again. They take my ''partner's'' side I think - they say that I am lucky to have this setup and my own money. But I keep on saying that I have been disadvantaged by working part time for years to bring up our child while my ,,partner'' has paid off his mortgage . Then my parents said all I talk about is money

If all the bills are in his name then stop contributing financially at all for a start. Stop paying half for things. Buy your own drinks if you need to. Buy things for yourself, ds- not him. Make enough dinner for yourself, ds- not him. Clean your own stuff/ds’s stuff- don’t do a SINGLE thing on his behalf anymore. SAVE every penny you earn and keep it in your own bank account.

When he raises the issue- explain how you’ve been living.

@DustyLee123 yes, they have never supported me but I feel I don't want them in my life if they don't want to support me through it. I have nobody to talk to about it in RL as I would be too embarrassed

Money isn't just money. It's power. Abuses of power. It's an injustice. Lack of money is a lack of options, lack of freedom. So money is a lot more than just money in a relationship. Your parents sound like they can't bear to just listen to you, so they invalidate you telling you that you're wrong to be upset.

I'd say it's no coincidence that you were fitting in around a man who won't marry you. Were you raised to have no needs?

@Ruffpuff yes I made some changes a year ago, I stopped contributing towards gas and electricity as he didn't want my name on it. He now has to make his own lunch etc. He has to clean his own bathroom , bedroom as I said I am not doing anything for him anymore as we are not a team. I have has some decent savings thankfully , even though he was not over the moon that I upped my hours at work. I have explained to him many time how I feel but he says I am lucky to live in such a nice house. I hate him

@ChanelNo19EDT I thought I was raised to be strong (or so I thought) but I think that maybe I was wrong and it took me a while to realise I was trapped. My mum is an enabler, she let my dad get away with lots of things. I have asked her many times when I was a teenager to leave my dad but she refused

I am not even upset about my crap relationship as I am getting my ducks in a row to leave but it is my parents that I am mostly upset about and their lack of support

I'd get out if you can, what age is your son? Even if you have to leave him, you need to start saving and feathering your own nest. I left a man like this at 37. I had two young kids. I accepted shit partly because I was raised to have no needs, be no trouble, never assett myself, never defend myself, never ask for more. My parents did judge me for having kids without being married. I hope you can take a deeper breath and leave. What does your son think? I know you wouldn't want to burden him but plant a seed. Tell him yr financial future worries you.

Cross Post sorry. It's going to be really hard, but you have to do what's right for your future, to he'll with what your parents make of it.

Even a tiny flat would be a happier place.

I presume he would not help you leave. I gather from his meanness, he'd expect you to just leave with nothing 😞

@ChanelNo19EDT Our child is 12 , he knows we don't get on and he knows why. I have told him before I want to leave his dad because this financial setup up does not work for me and I don't want to be a middle aged skivvy . He gets very upset when I tell him my plans to leave. He then asks me whether I can wait until he is a bit older , a few more years.

I would have left many years ago, but he has left me financially vulnerable on purpose I think to make it harder for me to leave. Luckily, I have got some decent savings and I am now working full time and studying to repair some damage.

I used to think I was strong but maybe I was wrong. If we didn't have child I would be gone a long time ago as I no longer love him- I am so resentful

@ChanelNo19EDT yes I would have to leave with nothing and he would try 50/50 childcare so the child maintenance would be minimal. He was the one that talked me into having a child (which i love dearly of course) , but then once I have had a child I have realised I am being financially abused as he did not want to pay for nursery fees so I was the one reducing my hours at work.

My parents say that it's my imagination that I am being financially abused

My dearest Jade, as a single Mom and grandmother of 3 my advise to you is to join a support group for single mothers! STOP TALKING TO UNSUPPORTIVE PEOPLE! Continue getting your life together and move on. Your will have reached maturity when you realize that no one can do anything to you without your permission, so stop it. Quit blaming others and looking backwards. Sounds to me like you are making great progress! Best wishes fron Dallas

@Nan217 Thank you. I think it's quite hard for me to understand how my own parents can be so unsupportive

As a parent of AC I sort of get where your parents are coming from. On the very rare occasions when they have wanted to offload to me about their relationships (long-term ones) and to get me onside, I have been very careful indeed to be neutral in my comments, as I was acutely aware that if they stayed together, anything negative I said would get back to the partner and I would have to deal with that for the rest of my life. I would of course have reacted differently if I had felt that any of them were being seriously abused in any way.

You need to find a different source of support in this difficult situation. It is very hard for your parents to say the right thing in this dilemma. Is there anyone else you might be able to turn to? Or could you contact Relate? - they will see individuals.

You need to make the decision that is right for you and to somehow find the courage to do this without trying to involve your parents, or indeed other family members who will fell equally compromised. There are people out there who can help. I am sorry you are in this situation and hope very much you can find your way through it to the right outcome for you.

@Mischance Thank you. I think you are so right, I think I will have to turn to RELATE to offload. I feel too embarrassed to talk to in RL about it

Definitely don't pay bills that aren't in your name. Don't do any other wife work for him. Does he do his own laundry? Change his own bed? And don't be in a rush to leave the lovely house you live in rent free and have your own bedroom in.

This is one of the only situations where I wouldn't judge you having an affair! You can totally drop any expectations of him caring about you, and just do what suits you. Think like how a man in your position would think and make the most of it and have some fun rather than being angry.

Stop buying him any food or making him any too - just say you can't afford to as you're paying for your own income protection insurance and pension now

Our child is 12 , he knows we don't get on and he knows why. I have told him before I want to leave his dad because this financial setup up does not work for me and I don't want to be a middle aged skivvy . He gets very upset when I tell him my plans to leave. He then asks me whether I can wait until he is a bit older , a few more years.

Your poor son! Between the 2 of you, you have completely fucked up his life.

I imagine your son doesn't want to leave his nice house and also doesn't want to not live with mum.

So I really think you're wise to stay put in the nice house - don't pay any bills- and have lots of nice evenings out with friends while his dad babysits and who knows who you might meet

Think of it as you're a single mum with free rent in a nice home and a live in babysitter

Save as much as you can & leave. Show your son how to treat women & never look back. Why on earth wouldn’t you DP want you to have security?!

Your parents - don’t confide in them, make a better life for yourself & be proud. Be stubborn, your DF has said he doesn’t want to hear it so I wouldn’t tell him a thing.

Youre not being ‘all about money’ you’re being sensible wanting some security when you’ve contributed fairly.

I would leave asap.

@StSwithinsDay that's a bit bitchy comment ! How dare you. Nobody has fucked up my son's life - he has a very cushy life and parents that love him, but who don't love each other. You comment is disgusting 🤢

She is being economically rational. She would rather be an adult building a future for retirement and for their son.

How can a father “babysit” his own son anyway? He’s his parent!

You know your parents are bad role models and should of split up themselves years ago, so why ask them for advice? Stop giving them details. How is it you are embarrassed about telling friends (who would be far better support) but you inappropriately divulge your wishes to leave to your DS, without backing it up and doing so since. You will be putting your DS in a permanent state of anxiety over it. The only appropriate time to involve DC's is when you have resolved to go. It was wrong to put the decision on to stay or go on your DS's shoulders, it should not come down to him saying give it a few years more. Be the adult, he's 12fgs, cannot be expected to know what's best, he will just have expressed the same fear you have that keeps you there, which is a fear of the unknown, fear of change. Realise yourself that change can be for the better.

@Opentooffers thank you for your perspective. My son is very mature for his age and I have only mentioned it to him once. but I am sure he can see for himself our weird dynamics. He is not in the state of anxiety over it as we are very close and talk about everything, but I think yiu might be right , best it to confide in someone else. I am too embarrased to talk to friends in RL, as my life looks very rosy on the outside