I am so sad and confused

[JadeTraybake]

Hi, I had a fallout with my parents again on the phone today I rang them yet again for some emotional support to talk about my ''relationship''. They said I was unreasonable and all I talk about is money and that money is not important and I should count myself lucky !

So, I have been with my ''partner'' for the last 14 years, I have spent last 10 year working part time to bring up our son, while he was building his business and paying off the mortgage (I have moved in in my early 20s , he has already owned the house but was still paying off the mortgage). He was the one that talked me into having a child and then I have realised I was being financially abused a few years ago. I was the one doing all the shit chores, cooking, sick days with a child etc. He has refused to get married (even with a prenup) , doesn't want a will and does not even want to put any bills in my name . I am the one buying all the food and in the argument I am being told I am a lodger. He was even blackmailing me to have another child out of wedlock a few years ago which i refused without being married first.

I have come back to full time employment a year ago, I am also studying part time and planning to leave him because I am very resentful about this unequal setup. I am paying my way, I buy all the food, all my expenses and always 50/50 to a penny on any holiday we take. I had to give him back £10 for the recent prescription he has bought for me when I was unwell. Even though he has never 'kept me' as such, I am told by him in the argument that I am a scrounger!

I have recently realised that he has £70k in personal savings and £130k in his work account (he is self employed) , yet we need to take in turns buying drinks in a pub.

I have tried to bring it up numerous time in the past and all I am hearing from him is that I am lucky to leave in such a nice house and I have nothing to complain about.

I no longer love him because everything above, we have slept in separate bedrooms for the last few years and I am saving up to leave, but I am 37 already and I feel like because of him I missed the boat to get on the property ladder, etc as I have worked part time for so long. Property prices are not getting out of my reach and he laughs at my face saying I should be grateful I have him.

So going back to my parents, I have been calling them for the last few year looking for some emotional support about my situation and plans to leave, and all I am getting from them is that I am ridiculous, all I talk about money, that money is not important and lots of people are not married and it is not a problem. That I should be grateful that I get to keep my salary for myself. That they don't want to keep on hearing about it anymore. They went as far as saying I am going to ruin our child's life by leaving him (our child is now in the secondary school).

I am so sad and confused, I think mostly about my parents lack of emotional support...

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Thanks for your perspective. I think that's what kept me living here for so long , the comfort and fear of unknown. We don't really argue much anymore as I gave up bringing the topic ip with him, but we live like friends without financial security rather than partners . Yes, he does his own bed but I do the laundry

Honestly, you do need to find support somewhere, and in my experience, your women friends will likely be sympathetic and helpful.

Trust your friends, tell them a specific scenario and how you feel about it, and ask their opinion.

That should be enough to help you understand whether it's a good idea to divulge more. If you're still not sure, repeat with a new situation days/weeks later to see if that helps. Potentially you might repeat this a few times to warm them up to the idea all is not as it seems.

That's one way to try and get past the embarrassment and weight up whether you can trust your friends. Private one on one conversations might be best, definitely no more than 3 including you imo.

I think most people are wise to the idea that other people and relationships might not be what they seem. The unknown part is their values and ideas, and understanding of what abuse looks like

It must be difficult for you parents to keep hearing the same thing from you.

You are making plans to leave and that's the important thing here.

At this point, you're not really in a relationship with him. It's not a good environment for your son. You may both love him obviously, but it's a poor example of a relationship for him.

I suggest you seek counselling to talk through your issues. As you're savings to leave, money can be tight, so look for low cost counselling services in your area. Or if you do it online, it doesn't matter where you are.

It would help to really to a professional.

If my child was constantly talking about the same thing, I'd try to support them, but if be a tad ticked of that they allowed themselves to be in this position to begin with.

Your STBX sounds terribly mean and selfish... but you've made the right decision to leave.

I have told him before I want to leave his dad because this financial setup up does not work for me and I don't want to be a middle aged skivvy

This is not an appropriate conversation to have with a 12 year old. Please do not burden your child with your problems.

And stop ringing your parents about this. They’ve shown you who they are. It’s not going to change.

You say you’re too embarrassed to speak to anyone in real life. I’d strongly suggest you get over that and find an appropriate (adult) confidante, as it’s clear you desperately need to talk to someone. You might also find it helpful to contact Women’s Aid.

The chief thing you need to do is leave this man, though.

It is so inappropriate to have "told him you want to leave". He's not your gal pal or your confidante, he is your CHILD. You are supposed to protect him from this shit not drag him into it. You don't talk to your child about your relationship issues until you are fully decided what you're doing and when, and then you throw 100% of yourself into ensuring it's as painless for the child as possible. What you've done by getting him involved is immature and emotionally incontinent. @StSwithinsDay is 100% right.

Play the long game and keep on quietly saving as much as you can. Your day will come, watch for it and be ready, plan what you will take, have a list in your head and when the time comes, don't look back, you owe him nothing

@herewegoroundthebastardbush have you considered that, whilst obviously not good to tell her child, that doing that & not trusting her friends might be connected to the way she's treated in the relationship?

He's putting on an "I'm wonderful" persona in public, and privately demolishing her confidence & independence. That's my impression at least, and with that in mind I think it's worth dispensing opinions and advice with more sensitivity and care :-s She wants to get out of this shit relationship, she needs support achieving that

Thanks for your opinions. I took them on board and agree that I shouldn't tell our almost 13 year old child about leaving until I am ready to go. I have only mentioned it once. Our son is a great boy, very happy and in top set up of maths, his life is also very cushy with lots of holidays. It's because I took a hit of holding all my emotions and haven't left to break up the family, even though I should have for my own happiness a while ago.

@spookehtooth you are very right. My ,,partner" plays a nice guy to friends, so this is why I am very hesitant to confide in friends, as I think they might take his side, as he might make me look like a gold dealer fir brining up the money subject

@Notthatcatagain Yes I am playing long game, saving up quite a lot and I will definitely go once I am ready

I'm sorry you're in the situation you are but, regarding parents, I had a horrific 48 hours last year (honestly, you couldn't make it up) and phoned my parents to tell them what happened and to ask if could I stay with them for a couple of days. I do stay with them regularly as I live some distance away.

My (D)F told me they're sick of hearing about all the bad stuff, I couldn't stay, only to phone with cheerful and happy news or don't bother calling. That they need to be happy and not dragged down.

That has really damaged my relationship with them. Whereas I'd phone DM and talk general rubbish for an hour every couple of days, I now don't phone at all because I have to think so carefully about what I'm going to say. My DM has no friends, doesn't go out, I'd stay and take her places regularly. Now, I won't do that because (D)F has, well, said no.

It's so tough, isn't it? I hope you can sort things out. It's horrible when the only people you think you can rely on turn their backs. Hooray for MN is all I have to say!

Sending you an unMNy hug.

@OldTinHat I am sorry your parents have you down. I know what's like and I have made myself a promise to keep them away from my private life and tell them nothing. I know they will soon start asking questions as it's its unusual fr me not to tell them anything, but that's it fir them. It's not the first time they let me down

I suppose the reason I posted is because I was confused whether I was really asking for too much by wanting financial security by wanting at least a will and my ,,partner' being so stingy with me, when he has paid off his mortgage and has thousands in his account. It was me who took a financial hit for years , I feel that he has on purpose reduced my earning capacity and loved me working part time. Now he even takes a mickey that I am going all out on my career by studying and working full time, and he laughs saying that it will be his turn to stay at home when I earn loads. And when I tell him I missed out on financial security he says I missed out on nothing and that I have benefitted fro this relationship

I know it's sick but I am mostly confused by my parents reaction to it and agree with them, as they seem to agree with my ,,partner" and they say I have it easy. I know it's not normal and it has forever destroyed my relationship with them as I am fed up with being let down

@Unexpectedlysinglemum yes, that's what kept me here for so long I think , the comfort and the cushiness for our child. I am lucky to have 3 rooms in the house to myself - own bedroom, bathroom and own office to work from home, and so does our child , he has 3 rooms, to include bedroom, own bathroom and games room. Maybe instead of getting angry I need to channel my energy to excel at work myself and leave when I am ready, on my own terms

If you can emotionally detach and stay for a bit do. Work hard save like mad. He might have more than you but at the moment you're in a good position to set yourself up for leaving. As for rounds in the pub etc why are you socialising with him? Treat the situation as housemates.
Something I hear on here a lot is that bitterness/resentment are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
He doesn't give a shit, so your anger isn't hurting him it's hurting you.

@SgtJuneAckland it's very rare these days that we go out for drinks, it's usually with the friends, not just the 2 of us.

You are right, I need to detach emotionally, stop looking backwards & save like mad. Luckily I get to keep almost my whole full time salary to myself now (minus the whole food bill . I have signed up to the gym tk keep myself sane and to be out of the house a lot. I am also studying a lot and working, as I am trying to repair at least some damage of going to trustful

He doesn't give a shit, so why would I

Absolutely! Unless having him in the same home is worse for your mental health than struggling and paying for a little flat. I think if you mentally break up with him and only focus on yourself - live like these divorcing couples that have to cohabit do - make sure you have evenings out with friends and start a hobby etc focus on having a glow up

Gym is a great idea!

My ultimate plan is to leave the country and live in another European city when our child goes to uni in and is all settled in about 5 years time or so. I have a dual nationality ( British and another European country ) and speak another language, and I have lived abroad in the past and loved it. I feel so stuck right now but it is what it is.

My son has also got a dual nationality so he can go and live anywhere within EU too if thats what he wants one day, when he is an adult.

I need to channel all my energy in saving up (have circa £60k so far ), getting masters and doing my own things, and then adios

That's what confuses my - my parents saying crap like I should stay and put up with this nonsense. I am going to ignore it from now and never mention it to the magazine, just talk about mundane things

I mean never mention it to them, I am not sure where the word magazine came from 🤷‍♀️

My mother overloaded me with all her relationship woes as a child (from a similar age to your DS). Now I’m a mother I can’t believe she did it and feel pretty resentful of how much baggage she gave me to carry. We speak very little these days. I’d advise to leave him to be a child and find support elsewhere. Best of luck- it sounds like a really tough situation 💐

No it is shocking that you speak to your 12 year old son about future plans to split with his dad. This is between the two of you to start with.

You are confiding in the wrong people. Your parents do not appear to have the capacity or emotional intelligence to provide the emotional support you are looking for so talk to somebody else, but for heavens sake, not your child!

I'm glad you have a plan of your own. It's so hard reading these threads when women are literally trapped and penniless because some man plundered them like they're a resource. Harder for the women in those shoes though.

My mother is not the worst person in the world but I've realised (watching all of jay reid's videos, patrick teahan's, lindsay C Gibson's audible books, Jerry Wise on youtube (talking about enmeshment) and Heidi Preibe, that my mother cannot accept even the smallest bit of feedback. Not even if the feedback is not criticism but a request for respect, a respect for respect is perceived by her as disrespect and she is absolutely rigid in this belief. I can't get through. I've had to stop trying. But the way I was raised, that it was HER WAY ARE INSTANT EXCLUSION FROM THE TRIBE (the cold shoulder, and dad and sibling siding with her) really did affect who I ended up in relationships with. Single now, my children are young adults.

@JadeTraybake carry on saving and planning XXxx I am glad you're only five years or so away from an independence that won't be too impoverished!

I have just came back from the gym and picked my son up from the tennis with his friends. I feel amazing this afternoon, going to the gym helps me process my emotions I think.

Thank you for comments. Yes, I agree that it was a mistake to say this to my 12 year old son. Although I agree it was very wrong in the hindsight , I would never agree with the statement his life was ruined. His life is great and we both have a great relationship with him. I will look for other support,maybe talking therapy to offload a bit.

Yes my parents lack emotional intelligence to provide me with the support I need and I don't know why I have been going back to them with my problems as it's always the same. They always say I have nothing to complain about it and that I overdramatise my ,,relationship " It's time to put big girls pants on and stop it.

I am so glad that I wasn't entirely stupid and kept working even just part time as my future would look very bleak otherwise. I have a plan for my future and it does not involve him. I owe him nothing.

@ChanelNo19EDT Yhank you. Even though I am confused and sad that my own family can't emotionally support me, I am really exciting for my future I am working hard on at the moment . I wish you all the best xx

@DailyEnergyCrisis Thank you. This post helped me to put things in perspective. I know it was wrong to say this to my child. I will keep him away from this drama, and let him be a child. I will look for support elsewhere.

I am just rather angry with my ,,twat partner" that he has put me in this position by being so selfish, so I will need to offload in therapy I think. He has always tried to talk me into my children out of wedlock to trap me and limit my earning capacity, but I have been aware of this for a while and upped my hours at work and carried on studying.

I will channel all my energy into my plan 🙂