I am so sad and confused

[JadeTraybake]

Hi, I had a fallout with my parents again on the phone today I rang them yet again for some emotional support to talk about my ''relationship''. They said I was unreasonable and all I talk about is money and that money is not important and I should count myself lucky !

So, I have been with my ''partner'' for the last 14 years, I have spent last 10 year working part time to bring up our son, while he was building his business and paying off the mortgage (I have moved in in my early 20s , he has already owned the house but was still paying off the mortgage). He was the one that talked me into having a child and then I have realised I was being financially abused a few years ago. I was the one doing all the shit chores, cooking, sick days with a child etc. He has refused to get married (even with a prenup) , doesn't want a will and does not even want to put any bills in my name . I am the one buying all the food and in the argument I am being told I am a lodger. He was even blackmailing me to have another child out of wedlock a few years ago which i refused without being married first.

I have come back to full time employment a year ago, I am also studying part time and planning to leave him because I am very resentful about this unequal setup. I am paying my way, I buy all the food, all my expenses and always 50/50 to a penny on any holiday we take. I had to give him back £10 for the recent prescription he has bought for me when I was unwell. Even though he has never 'kept me' as such, I am told by him in the argument that I am a scrounger!

I have recently realised that he has £70k in personal savings and £130k in his work account (he is self employed) , yet we need to take in turns buying drinks in a pub.

I have tried to bring it up numerous time in the past and all I am hearing from him is that I am lucky to leave in such a nice house and I have nothing to complain about.

I no longer love him because everything above, we have slept in separate bedrooms for the last few years and I am saving up to leave, but I am 37 already and I feel like because of him I missed the boat to get on the property ladder, etc as I have worked part time for so long. Property prices are not getting out of my reach and he laughs at my face saying I should be grateful I have him.

So going back to my parents, I have been calling them for the last few year looking for some emotional support about my situation and plans to leave, and all I am getting from them is that I am ridiculous, all I talk about money, that money is not important and lots of people are not married and it is not a problem. That I should be grateful that I get to keep my salary for myself. That they don't want to keep on hearing about it anymore. They went as far as saying I am going to ruin our child's life by leaving him (our child is now in the secondary school).

I am so sad and confused, I think mostly about my parents lack of emotional support...

Obviously it's not ideal to overshare details of your relationship with your son, but I don't think it does young adolescents and young men too much long term harm to be aware that women have boundaries, and that their time has value too

@ChanelNo19EDT thank you , I agree. I know that he knows that my input in this family set up has not been appreciated at all. Even though he is young, he is not stupid.

I feel more confident today to carry on stronger and plan my exit, without my parents support. It will involve me not looking backwards, but focusing on my future and leaving resentment behind. I can't wait

you’re doing brilliantly in formulating a plan for the future and you and DS will be so much better for it- nothing is irreversible at this stage 💐

I'm a little bit bemused by some of the reactions to the OP talking to her child. For what I think, everything depends on the fine details. Here and there I heard a number of things from my mum, in relation to things that were going on or had gone on in earlier years wrt her relationship with my dad.

Technically, quite a lot probably shouldn't have been said, but its had no impact on my life whatsoever and it helps me understand quite a lot that I saw or experienced first hand. It also gives me a much better insight into who she was as a person and the environment that I grew up with. I'm thankful for it, actually, she was a fabulous person full stop. My Dad on the other hand, not awful but not great either, I didn't get any great ideas on how to good man or parent. There's a connection between his treatment of her & why she was so open with me, and it's not nice

@JadeTraybake

Luckily, I have got some decent savings and I am now working full time and studying to repair some damage.

Just ensure you have secured your bank accounts with secure passwords that are unique but you'll remember and that he can't guess. Secure any hard copy documents you have in a locked filing cabinet (birth certificates for you and your son, financial statements, passports etc) and ensure the key is secure. Change the passcode on your electronic devices, ensure they're not linked to devices used by your partner or your child. Also consider facial ID and two factor authentication to secure your online accounts for extra secure.

Maybe get some financial advice from an independent advisor regarding your savings, occupation pension, etc also.

Good luck for a better future OP. 🌹

Your son is a child - not a replacement for supportive parents, partner, friends. Read up on maternal enmeshment and how much it can screw up a child to deal with adult problems/be emotional support for their parent. He's 12 years old and absolutely not mature enough to empathise/listen/or help you make grown up decisions. Please talk to a counsellor, not him. He needs to be protected from the dumpster fire that is your relationship, not drawn into it like an adult.

I'm sorry your mother didn't lean on other adults for support and turned to you. If you're on a Relationships board I would gently suggest that maybe you do have some relationship struggles like most people here. Maternal enmeshment is when a parent turns to their child for emotional support, comfort, guidance, listening - instead of other adults. As a child you are not equipped to deal with this and learn that your role is to be a pleaser, a fixer, a soother - because that is what you have been doing for your mum since a child. And those behaviours carry into your own adult relationships. Hopefully it hasn't impacted you in this way, but if you ever find yourself struggling to maintain boundaries or asserting yourself in relationships, I would read up on enmeshment.

Why do you keep phoning your parents re your relationship ?

You are an adult now, so why do you want or need their advice / opinion / help ?

Listen to their request to stop asking them for emotional support, this is your relationship not theirs.

They obiv don't want to listen nor support you, they prob don't feel or think that's their ' job ' now you are a grown adult - so people are like that, either accept that or go nc with them - it's your choice.

Just like leaving your partner will be your choice.

Now, are you taking your son with you when you leave
or will he stay with his father ?
which would your son prefer ? as he is well old enough to make that decision.

Do not be emotionally blackmailed by your son asking you to stay until he is older.

You are working full time, and have savings.

All you need to do is give a deposit on a rental - about a months rent ? and move in.

You are 37, current retirement age is 67 so you have 40 years until you retire.

Mortgages are usually on a 25 year term ? so plenty of time to get yourself on the property ladder.

Now is the time for you to start making some choices.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I have kept phoning my parents to get some validation for my feelings I guess. For a last few years I had this feeling that he was a financial abuser (even though on the outside it all looks great - nice house, nice car - all in his name though) and all I wanted is my parents to confirm it , but they wouldn't. They have kept saying that I am lucky to live this life which is nonsense. I kept sayingto them I think he wants me to be a middle aged skivvy, and they kept defending them saying they are sure he has a will he is just not telling me about it 🤦‍♀️ (he refused to do a will BTW, and said jokingly don't worry, our child will let you live in this house when I die 😂)

When our son was a baby and I was working very part time to look after him, I had to pay him back in installments for all holidays we took. I am very resentful over it. And the fact that he has paid off his mortgage while I was looking after our child.

Obviously I made some poor choices but I was very naive and actually I have been trying to tell my parents for years what's going on and they have also excused him. In fact they had said a while ago, I should have had another child with him which has really pissed me off.

I have made a decision I don't want to get on the property ladder in the city we are currently living. I want a new, fresh start in another country once our son is at uni. I speak 2 languages and I have a dual nationality. The city I want to move to has a very good job prospects and cheaper properties. I have lived there before for a bit when I was early 20s and I loved it.

All I want at this stage is for our son to enjoy next few years with his friends, carry on doing well at school and I will keep saving, enjoy my life away from this prick as much as possible, do masters and once my son is at uni I am leaving the country.

I am going to spend a little bit more time living in his house (he used to say my house but our home 🤢) , and once I qualified I am going into rental here for a bit. When I eventually go into rental, our son will share the the between us, as he has a good relationship with both of us.

Wow, that was a long post !

I had a read, its interesting as I can relate to some of the behaviours mentioned but whether or not I can pin any of that on what I mentioned is probably far too complicated! There were a lot of power and relationship dynamics going on, and no relationship between two people happens in a vacuum.

Even with "proper" boundaries, my parents relationships with each other couldn't help but affect me and my brother in some way. Even in isolation, without what I mentioned, my Dad's relationship with me isn't one that I would have wanted to replicate, I've gone out of my way to better than that as a parent. Hopefully much better

I put the proper in brackets because I've not yet met someone with a relationship with their parents that isn't imperfect in some way. For me, more important than aiming at some idea of "perfection" is simply understanding what's occurring, why and the impact. I consider my relationships with different people, to some extent, bespoke. I don't want to sounds like I know everything, I clearly don't, there are some areas that are still a bit of a mystery to me!