Do you feel emotionally safe in your relationship?

[JustCantFindMyMind]

I don't. And I can't work out why.

If anything, it's the least safe I've ever felt.

He says that all he wants is for me to feel safe. So why dont I?

If you do (and even if you don't) what makes you feel that way?

Can you explain a bit more what you mean by feeling emotionally safe/unsafe?

I know 100% that he would stick up for me against anyone if necessary, and that he would never harm me.

He doesn't encroach on my boundaries, either, and we respect what one another says.

OP how long have you been in this relationship?

If you're feeling unsafe, you need to find a way to end it.

Sometimes our subconscious gives us subliminal warning signals.

In my marriage: no. He would make fun of me, put me down, and I never felt like I got to put my side across in an argument.

In my most recent relationship: no. He would break up with me then we'd get back together so I never felt secure. Towards the end I found it hard to get him to listen to me in an argument and he would be contemptuous.

I think emotional safety comes from being treated with respect.

I've never been in a relationship where respect for each other was maintained. I am deeply fearful that I never will be.

testingsquared

I don't know. Just that really. I feel physically safe in that I trust he wouldn't harm me physically. But emotionally, I feel I don't trust him. I don't know why.

This morning, he phoned me from work to say he'd be late back today. All logistics that make perfect sense and are perfectly reasonable but there's a voice in the back of my mind that is saying it's not true. Mainly because I could have anticipated it given what he has going on today and a message would have been enough. We never phone each other. The fact he called is odd. Like it would be more believable if he called.

Little things that are as innocuous as that.

Actions, reactions and responses that are just out of character. Nothing big.

Something just feels off.

My DP is genuinely gutted if I’m upset and clearly wants to rectify it. That’s why I feel safe.

Whereas my ex would get angry at the inconvenience.

TheShellBeach

Two and a half years. I've known him for longer. Knew him in his previous relationship. He is one of the kindest, most supportive, loving men I've ever met.

He treated his ex well. He treats me well.

But something doesn't feel right.

I don't know if I'm picking up on something or whether I'm overthinking things.

He is the same.

I had a huge 'wobble' last weekend. And he was lovely about it. My 'wobble' was because of how I feel but I wasn't fully clear about that.

He was so lovely and empathetic but I'm still left with this niggling feeling.

I think emotional safety comes from being treated with respect.

He does. From everything I see, he does.

But I still feel this way.

What’s your past history with Rekationships, both family and romantic?

@JustCantFindMyMind you could be over-thinking things if you have experienced cheating - either personally or if it has happened to someone close to you. Has that happened at all? If not, then if I were you, and if I was sure that I wasn't experiencing anything out of the ordinary, like depression for instance, I would definitely say that something is there, in the background.

You say that he treats you well. However, he might be treating others 'well'. Not necessarily doing anything like cheating, but perhaps doing something he perceives you wouldn't like?

Is it possible you have lingering trust issues from your past? It doesn't sound like an emotional safety problem but a trust problem. Is there any reason not to trust and see the best in him rather than fearing the worst?

With things like this I tend to say the best thing you can do is trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t right.

I feel completely safe with my husband, both physically and emotionally, I suppose because I know through his words, actions and every single thing he does or doesn’t do/say that he would never hurt me. He worships the ground I walk on (and vice versa) and I know he would rather hurt himself 10 times over before he risked hurting me- and vice versa.

This. I'm normally #TeamSuspicious but this could actually be a nice man. Have you been cheated on a lot, treated badly? Is that your comfy place?

Stillfalling

Very poor on both counts.

This is the longest romantic relationship I've had. I'm in my 40s.

It does sound that he is almost is too good to be true in your mind and that for some reason you expect it to all go wrong at any time.

Are you having intrusive thoughts? -

Why did he take so long in the shower just to go for a drink with his dad?

Is he really working late?

Why does he never leave his phone unattended?

He's being too nice to me!

Those kind of thoughts which you play over and over in your mind.

My last relationship I never felt truly secure emotionally in. Looking back I think it was mostly because he would say one thing (how much he loved/trusted/respected me) but his actions would show the opposite (selfishness, questioning me all the time, not respecting my needs).

My current relationship I feel totally emotionally secure in. I think because the trust is really there. He says he trusts me, and also acts like he trusts me. If I go out on my own he doesn't question who was there and what exactly we talked about but instead asks if I had fun and how everyone else was.

If you are sensing something if off, then it probably is in my experience. Yes some people can over think things, but if it happens regularly for different situations then yea it's something to look further into I'd say.

I don't think he is cheating. At least, I don't think he is having an affair. But I've got it into my head that there are secret chats or that he's visiting prostitutes on his way home from work.

Stuff I can't even bring up with him because it would be highly offensive if not true, I've no actual reason to think it is true and stuff he wouldn't be honest about and admit to if it was true.

I have been cheated on before yes but not for a very long time.

I haven't really had relationships since that relationship ended over 10 years ago

OP, maybe this is more of a trust thing?

Have you been cheated on a lot, treated badly? Is that your comfy place?

Treated badly, yes.

It probably is my comfy place. It feels predictable. I can't be hurt if I know it's on the cards.

@JustCantFindMyMind do you know a woman whose partner has cheated on her with prostitutes? This isn't normally something most women immediately think of when they have uneasy feelings or suspicions.

Porfirio

Yes. The intrusive thoughts are very difficult.

If he takes longer than usual in the shower. Why?

He always leaves his phone unattended but I don't trust that either. He either trusts me not to look (I wouldn't), knows there would be nothing to find if I did, or knows he's covered his tracks well.

I wonder why he wants sex with me when he initiates it (been turned on by someone else in some capacity earlier on that day).

And I wonder why he doesn't when he doesn't (getting his sexual needs met elsewhere).

I wonder why it took him half an hour longer to get home when he's been out and why he goes into a lot of detail about the traffic when it happens.

I haven't ever voiced any of this to him so he can't be trying to avoid questions or accusations. He'd be shocked, I think to realise this is how I feel.

I never question him on anything.

How did you meet him OP?

You don't trust him, and this will ultimately destroy your connection. From what you've said, it doesn't sound rooted in reality. I would suggest you do some therapy on your own to work through this issue over a reasonable period (i.e. longer than 6 weeks) then see how you feel.