Do you feel emotionally safe in your relationship?

[JustCantFindMyMind]

I don't. And I can't work out why.

If anything, it's the least safe I've ever felt.

He says that all he wants is for me to feel safe. So why dont I?

If you do (and even if you don't) what makes you feel that way?

No.

I've never worried about it before.

It just came into my head and now it won't leave.

OP have you ever suffered with anxiety disorders? Or OCD illness of a sort?

The intrusive thoughts sound similar to when i had perinatal OCD, rather over my baby then cheating. I would add 2+2 and make 7.

I would get a thought in my head and see sometimes the most obscure of signs everywhere that made it possible.

I would look to therapy. Even if this relationship did go sour for whatever reason, it is always best to feel safe emotionally with yourself and not have to rely on outside influences to feel secure x

Maybe it just feels unfamiliar?

People pick familiar hells over unfamiliar heavens?

I'd get counselling to explore

I met him socially about 7 years ago. We were part of the same friendship group.

He was with someone else then and she didn't always come out with him. He clearly adored her and behaved impeccably when out without her. A genuinely lovely man who we all loved being around.

Their relationship broke down over lockdown.

Pickles2023

Thank you. I was diagnosed with GAD when I was younger. I've had hypnotherapy for panic attacks.

This all just feels so real though.

When I put it down like I have here, it starts to look a bit less like it makes sense.

I could give a list of so many examples of things that have made me question but there would be no point because there's nothing tangible. Just a hesitation before answering a question or something equally unimportant except that it all feels important.

It does feel familiar.

Try reading this book, it will help you tremendously

Women Who Think Too Much: How to break free of overthinking and reclaim your life amzn.eu/d/b9TCm6T

I felt like you in a previous relationship. I had reasons not to trust him from the start, which we suppodedly addressed (he hid things better and often pulled the line that I could check his phone etc although somehow that never actually happened), but over time things got worse. He would say lovely things to me, but his actions didn't line up like a PP said. In the end, I lost myself completely and it's taken time and hard work to find myself again. Now I'm out of it I see how I was right about him all along. He is a v good actor and was especially skilled at making me think I was wrong/an overthinker/too sensitive etc . He swiftly became someone else's problem and I couldn't be happier. I've never had that level of suspicion in any other relationship. And TBH I'm a bit angry at myself for not paying more attention to my feelings. Always trust your gut. It just knows.

Now I think about it more, do you ever call him out on this stuff? It seems like you're bottling it up. Does he have an idea how you feel? Can you discuss it with him? How does he react?

No i know what you mean.

An unshakeable belief? An no matter how much you disect it, to show the other alternative that its not true, your gut says it is, and then you have the well it could be and can't commit to how to disengage from all the signs youve added up to say it is?

I guess placing my brain away from my baby panic onto an if my partner cheating panic. I get the "he hesitated before an answer", "he didn't hug me when he got in, which is out of his usual habit" "hes gone to bed early" which all may have valid reasons, but when worried that is 3 signs to add to, (hesitated because he is covering up, didnt hug me because he is thinking about someone else, lost interest and gone to bed early because somethings tierd him out or he is avoiding me or is going online"

Even if the most realistic logical reason is he had a bad day at work, wants to go bed that one point doesnt feel it offsets the 3 points we have made into our reality. :(

If you can realte to that, it could be OCD/anxiety based?

There's nothing tangible to call him out on really.

You've explained it perfectly!

(But that still doesn't mean I'm not right)

Of course there could be something but it sounds more like you are over thinking. Perhaps seek counselling, they may be able to help you work out issues then if there is something left still worrying you it is probably easier to narrow it down.

I have known plenty of people who over explain traffic (or navigation), I consider them a bore about it rathe than assume it is a sign of nefarious actions.

Yes haha i had an awful night the other night due to it..

You may have to open up to him about it, explain the train of thought and how your gut is against your brain type thing.

Whilst all this is whirring around in our heads we unfortunately react without knowing. So they will know something is up but have no way to know what we are thinking so will gather their own assumptions. We also run the risk of creating a self fulfilling prophercy.

I do suggest therapy, but i havent had any in relation to this so wouldn't know what type would be effective.

So he doesn't have any idea how you feel? That's a big red flag there... You should be able to have difficult conversations with him if you see a future in the relationship.

I did. I miss my husband so much. He made me feel so emotionally safe. Now that he's dead I feel so unsafe and miserable. He was my rock. Made me feel like nothing could hurt me when he held me, and I know I made him feel the safe.

I had this with my ex. He was very judgemental with others and, although rarely negatively commented on me, I never really felt "enough". This was coupled with him.never actively doing anything to progress the relationship, despite talking the talk. Eg we'd talk about buying a house but I'd be doing all the searching and he'd always find something wrong that meant each house was unsuitable

Years of this ate away at my confidence. I'm now with my DH and am a whole different person

My ex was exactly like this. He started accusing me of all kinds of stuff based on absolutely nothing. I was never interested in anything else nor doing anything behind his back. He also said he never felt quite loved enough etc. I think (1) he had anxiety (2) he had trust issues (3) I have lower needs for time spent together and affection in a relationship than him, and a fear of being controlled / engulfed. The three things combined meant that we were just not compatible. I expect he probably thinks I was doing things behind his back, but I absolutely wasn't, I adored him.

Look, you are either right, and he's up to something, in which case, you need to leave the relationship, or you are wrong, in which case, he's still not the right person for you, because of the way he does things and what you trust/don't trust, in a man.

Two scenarios:

1. A woman who was raised by completely trustworthy parents, with a father who sometimes went to the pub after work, came home jolly after a few pints, and the whole family always had a lovely happy evening together.
2. A woman who was raised by miserable parents, with a father who used to take his secretary to a restaurant and then a hotel for an hour after work, and return home with a smile on his face to a wife who sneered and hated him, because she knew what was going on.

It's the same thing, as far as the family at home is concerned: Dad goes out for a few drinks after work sometimes, and comes home happy. But if you were the first woman, you'd feel very differently about your partner coming home late from work, squiffy, wouldn't you?

You have to pick people you feel good about. People who feel right to you. It doesn't really matter if you're right or wrong, because even if you're wrong, you can never prove it, so you won't trust him anyway. It's not about being right. It's about making choices that make your life feel good. Otherwise, you're making choices that don't feel good, and that's where trust gets broken: You can't trust yourself to do the right thing for you.

I suspect that this is some form of self protection.

You have essentially, due to past experiences, been programmed to expect the worst because you always go to the worst.

It's almost like if you decide to true him and if that trust is broken, you will be devastated so it's easiest to expect him on the basis that you think it's nothing more than you suspected and if if you end up heartbroken, you'll have been right not to trust him

The shower, the phone, traffic delays wants sex, doesn't want sex etc. - you do realise that this being created by you, rather than a real issue?

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

you do realise that this being created by you, rather than a real issue

How can you be so sure, having never met either of them, seen them together etc? We have only OP's word, and she doesn't 100% know herself.

@Watchkeys The problem is though that if OP has issues around trust then she might be hyper vigilant to his behaviour even if he isn't doing anything wrong. This won't be something she only experiences in this relationship if the issue is that she is struggling to trust anyone at all. So it would be best for her to try to identify if that is what is happening before ending what seems to be a good relationship with a nice man.

i cant stop myself from lying
its just stupid things
but i just blurt out untruths and he goes ballistic
i didnt lock the car on the drive and stuff was nicked from it satnav i player and i lied. said it was broken into Stupid stupid.

I understand what you are saying but also Watchkeys is right. I don't know so no one else possibly can.

All I know at the moment is that I'm not happy. I don't know if I'm unhappy about something that is real or in my head. Does it even matter?

I can't sleep properly. He doesn't really talk in his sleep but the other night, he said, Oh wow. Now I know he has no control over his dreams but he doesn't ever look at me and say oh wow. Well, once he did.

And I know it's ridiculous to worry about what he says in his sleep but it's just another 'thing'.

I feel so low that everything feels significant now.

I've been off work this week and I've done nothing with it. I've struggled to even get dressed most days.

Imo you have to be emotionally safe in yourself.