Do you feel emotionally safe in your relationship?

[JustCantFindMyMind]

I don't. And I can't work out why.

If anything, it's the least safe I've ever felt.

He says that all he wants is for me to feel safe. So why dont I?

If you do (and even if you don't) what makes you feel that way?

OK but what does talking extra time in the shower prove?

If he hides his phone you are suspicious
If he doesn't hid his phone, you are suspicious.

If he wants sex, you are suspicious.
If he doesn't want sex, you are suspicious.

There's nothing he can possibly do that you don't find suspicious.

I tend to trust people until they give me reason not to but I also don't make myself very vulnerable so I'm not trusting them with very much.

He has the ability to hurt me very much.

He has told me he isn't going to but a) everyone says that and b) is that because he isn't going to do anything that would hurt me or because he'll make sure I don't find out about it?

It makes my head hurt.

Unfortunately, it doesn't make sense to stay in this relationship if she's not happy. It isn't right. It doesn't matter whether he's innocent or guilty; she's not ready. Yes, if this is a pattern in relationships, it's good to look into whether it's self-created, but really, to develop trust in others, you need, first, to develop trust in your self. To do that, you need to be sure that you will leave relationships that don't feel good.

Staying in a relationship that doesn't feel good will re-inforce OP's lack of self trust. She will be continuing to invalidate her own feelings of discomfort, trying to over-ride them, because they are 'wrong'. But feelings can't be wrong. Suspicions about what someone is doing in their free time can be wrong, but if OP is uncomfortable, she's uncomfortable, and job 1 in trusting yourself to have trustworthy relationships is to leave the ones in which you feel uncomfortable.

@JustCantFindMyMind OP, from your last update, I really would urge you to seek some mental health support. Irrespective of what happens in your relationship, it sounds like you could benefit from that. In your shoes, I would not break up with him but I would explain you're struggling and feel unhappy, but you're not sure why and it may not be him.

What people say in their sleep is generally of no significance at all. If you're that distrustful of him then I think there's got to be some sort of underlying issue here for you.

OK OP, you seem determined to leave the relationship. Of course, none of us can say if he is trustworthy or not, but it seems to me that you need to explore why you're not able to trust him as I doubt you can have a happy relationship until you do. Good luck with it.

You've got into a pattern of obsessing about it. Unfortunately, this could really damage what could be a good relationship, which is sad.
There could be a few things at play, the way you describe your reasoning all sounds insignificant from an outside viewpoint and you come across as being locked into an anxiety state. Your MH appears to be poor at the moment and what you say is sounding not very rational at times.
It could be a combination of things to do with you, more than anything I'm seeing about him in what you say:
You are at an age in life, where somehow its natural to dwell on past events more, there is something about approaching middle age that does that. If there are past negative relationship experiences, they can start coming to the surface and affect you later on in life, like it all creeps back up on you.
Combined with hormones for women that can go erratic in your 40's. I know I have increased anxiety these days - noticeable to me because I've always been pretty laid back as a person, so its not a big change, manageable but I'm aware of it. I've also know so many women around our age become relatively highly anxious compared to how they were a few years before - don't underestimate the effects of perimenopause. You've done nothing on your week off, showing signs of depression, but again, I know of women in their 40's being put on anti-D's, only to realise down the line what a game changer HRT is. So if you haven't thought of the possibility it's hormones sending you in a spin, consider it, particularly if you are sure your thought processes have not usually been like this.
The fact that you haven't had a relationship for 10 years suggests avoidance and some anxiety around relationships exists for you also.
Talk to your GP and discuss perimenopause and referral for counselling as your post screams of it being more about you than anything he is doing.

OK, having seen your responses I think you need to end this relationship.

You seem to have some issues you should work through, while staying with this guy you are likely to do something to blow things up probably hurting him and yourself. Better get out and get some help working through your issues and if once you have addressed them he is still single then you could see if he wants to get back together.

Do you think it's trust issues? Do you feel he doesn't love you or he'd cheat or is cheating? Do you feel jealous if he talks to someone of the opposite sex?

Can you talk to him? Whenever I'm feeling insecure I my relationship I just tell my boyfriend and we get to the bottom of why. It might be something as little as a comment he made. Sometimes we just need reassurance that we're loved by our partner.

@JustCantFindMyMind everything you're describing sound like manifestation of intrusive thoughts / anxiety that has nothing to do with reality, as you've said yourself - there is nothing tangible.

Have you ever had obsessive thoughts about other subjects? health? work? friendships?

@JustCantFindMyMind also what you've said about trusting people but not with much is actually you not trusting people

of course people can't hurt you if you don't give them ammo to do it, if you don't care that much for what they do then you won't think about ways they can hurt you

if you sit behind a great, big wall then you don't concern yourself with what people may throw at it from the outside, but he is on the inside, he can hurt you if he wanted to and for people who have anxiety (and see others as a potential threat) that alone can send mind spinning looking for signs of approaching danger even if there is none