How to survive husband's grumps

[mariaerr]

Been married 2.5 years with our lovely 2-year-old daughter in tow. Before tying the knot, my husband was all sunshine and rainbows, but post-wedding, he's turned into Mr. Grumpy Pants. Maybe it's the exhaustion from toddler wrangling, who knows?

We've been trying for baby #2 for over 6 months now. At first, hubby's swimmers weren't Olympic material, but after ditching his after-work pub routine, me cooking him lots of veg every night and popping some supplements, they shaped up. Still, no bun in the oven after several "normal" tests.

Lately, he's been on a grump rampage, nitpicking everything from my lunch-packing skills (too much fruit), the ingredients of his dinner (too much veg) to my cough keeping him up at night. Even innocently asking about his plans with friends gets an eye roll and a sigh.

I'm torn between saying 'screw it' to his food-related complaints and worrying he'll just order junk food if I stop cooking, and swimmers will get back to their previous poor state. Plus, I'm not keen to leave given my baby fever is in full swing and we do get on well most of the time.

Any tips on how to tackle this grumpy husband situation while keeping my sanity intact? Would love to hear from anyone who's been through similar rough patches!"

Why do you want another child with someone who blames you for his crap?

Well you’ve killed his social life, made him eat food he doesn’t like, and despite his “swimmers” - as you put it - becoming healthy - eg his side is all good - it’s still not happening and you’re disappointed in him. So maybe he isn’t the problem yet you forced all this shit on him ? No wonder he’s pissed off.

I don’t mean this to sound horrible and I hope you find some resolution to this, but you referring to his behaviour with cutesy language like ‘grumps’ etc sounds like you’re trying to cover up the fact he’s a bit of an arsehole

Just the style I've written it in but yes he's absolutely being an arsehole!

To give a male perspective, you’re smothering him. When I get moody with the other half, it’s when she’s - we need to eat more veg, what are you doing later, why don’t you do this, why don’t you take these supplements, you saw those guys at the pub last weekend, why don’t you see bob instead, you’ve put the dishes away in the wrong order, I don’t like that jumper on you and so on. He doesn’t want another mother, he wants a partner. He doesn’t know how to tell you this without starting an argument that he’s too tired to have right now, so you get grunts and nods. Stopping dead with all the suggestions and attempts to pack his lunch, making sure he eats his greens, making sure he’s not in the pub after work and so on will snap him out of the grump. If he goes back to getting fat then maybe he doesn’t actually want another child?

You can't be ' grumpy ' to an empty room !
Leave him to it , and go and do something in another room .

Ignore this unhelpful comment OP.

It's really hard when you are living with someone who is moody/grumpy. I have been through similar (for years) and unfortunately they rarely change. From experience I know my H is super-grumpy on Saturday mornings so I've always made sure my DC and I are busy and out of the house, but I realise this is not ideal and we should not be tolerating this behaviour.
Good luck OP, you have my sympathies. And may I suggest, in the kindest way, that having another baby with this man may not be a good idea?

Are you for real ? This OP is behaving like some kind of domestic Stasi in their home and you think this guy is just randomly grumpy and there’s no connection ? Eat your veg. Only drink this. Eat that. Don’t see your friends. Don’t eat that. Let him be himself for god’s sake.

I agree with this. Your contempt for him jumps off the screen, unfortunately

My husband is very keen on another baby, even though the one we have makes me very tired. I've had one, so I can do it but it's taking some time and he is convinced the problem is me and my lifestyle. On his instruction, I've stopped drinking with my friends and am following a strict diet that he has devised for me. It's not doing much for my self esteem and I'm a bit grumpy about it.

Doesn't sound great, does it?

Stopping dead with all the suggestions and attempts to pack his lunch, making sure he eats his greens, making sure he’s not in the pub after work and so on will snap him out of the grump

Nice one, @NonmagicMike . The fact that the bloke is behaving like an arsehole is the woman's fault, and she needs to change her behaviour.

In the real world, people in healthy relationships raise their concerns and discuss them, and if they can only manage grunts instead of doing this, they need to grow up. It's not up to one partner to 'snap' the other partner out of their grump.

It literally is her fault. She’s making rules which suck all the fun out of his life.

Way to create a strawman argument to get angry at. I’m giving a perspective not passing down an indictment on woman kind. The fact you can’t see some controlling and at the very least annoying behaviours coming from the OP that might just pee off her bloke speaks volumes. Switch the argument as a thought experiment. My wife is moody. I tell her how to dress, what to eat, call her fat because she went to the pub too much and ate takeaways, her eggs are useless and don’t work, and I’ve been sneakily ‘popping supplements’ in her dinner every night so she can sire me a child. You’d go ballistic no doubt about misogynistic men and ditch that loser.

Relationships aren't about fault and blame. If he has an issue, he needs to talk to her about it, so that they can relate to each other. She is voicing her feelings, her needs, her wants. He is grunting. She doesn't need to shut up; she needs a relationship with someone who will communicate like an adult if they're not happy about something.

Absolutely, but see my point about him being too tired / whatever reason to have that chat right now. I’m not saying it’s right, but a lot of us guys don’t do the whole let’s explore our emotions thing. When something is wrong we often shut down and just put our heads down. This isn’t all guys, but I certainly recognise it in myself and I’m certainly not alone I’d suggest. You could just as easily say OP isn’t communicating all that well by saying he’s just grumpy and I’ve got no idea why. From what is posted has she spoken to him, or is she just saying well I guess it’s toddler fatigue and he’s just got grumpy for no reason. They likely both need to open up, but first he needs space to decompress from what looks like a very one sided and controlling dynamic.

I read a thread on AIBU very similar to this earlier, OP are you the same poster? The previous thread was almost the same story but written in a different style where the poster monitored every drink her DH had for 6 months and came across as very controlling indeed...

@NonmagicMike

Thanks for popping those unpleasant words so neatly into my mouth.

I wouldn't go ballistic or tell anyone to ditch anyone.

I assume you're inferring that I'm angry because I disagree with you? I'm not angry. Why would I be?

I fully accept that OP's behaviour 'might pee off her bloke', so your comment about that is based on your lack of understanding of what I actually said.

In fact, your whole post seems to be based on very little.

I'm suggesting that, as a couple, both parties need to communicate their needs.

If your wife was doing that to you, I'd suggest that the two of you talk like adults about it.

If you think that's a strawman argument, that's your gubbins.

but a lot of us guys don’t do the whole let’s explore our emotions thing

Then don't be in relationships with people who want an emotional connection until you've got it worked out. Same goes for women who can't deal with emotions.

Your posts are sexist. You're splitting things into 'what men do' and 'what women do'. I'm saying that everybody needs to be responsible for their own shit and do what needs doing to reach a mutually acceptable level of connection. OP could probably amend her behaviour, but it's not her responsibility to coax her partner out of his grunting communication style, any more than it's his responsibility to stop her from issuing orders.

What unpleasant words have I popped in your mouth? The bits after I said here’s a thought experiment for you? Need an explanation of that phrase? Now you’re saying you’d suggest the two of you talk but you just posted the blokes behaving like an arsehole - sounds a bit judgy to me. I’m giving OP a perspective. She can use it or just carry on mothering her partner. No skin off my nose. As above, you’ve got yourself worked up about something I’ve not said - I.e that I think it’s the woman’s fault and she has to change. You can either quote where I’ve written that, or you can accept you’ve made a strawman argument.

@NonmagicMike

You can either quote where I’ve written that, or you can accept you’ve made a strawman argument

Wow. Thanks for offering me those limited options. Another one is not to bother responding to you any further, just like I'd do with anybody who couldn't accept me disagreeing with them without telling me I'm 'worked up' or 'angry'. Not worth the bother, mate.

Bet you'll want the last word!

Because it IS what men do and what women do as a generalisation. It’s as old as time itself. It’s not sexist to point out that generally women are better communicators and express their needs with more elegance, and men tend to avoid this as it’s uncomfortable preferring instead to just keep our heads down incase it blows up into an argument that we don’t want as we’ll always lose. I agree with you in that in an ideal world we’d all communicate and talk, but we don’t live in a utopia. If the OP had posted that she’d sat him down and had a good chat about her feelings and he’s shut down then that’s one thing. She didn’t however and has instead it appears resorted to doing what’s best for him in her view. However well meaning this is I guarantee that it is why he is grumpy with her. She’s gone from the fun and wonderful partner he fell in love with to his mother. As above, if that’s all sexist and whatever else then so be it. It’s my best attempt at giving a blokes perspective based on mine and countless numbers of my friends I’ve had this chat about in a pub. I’m off to bed.

So you can’t quote where I’ve said it’s the woman’s fault and she needs to change, therefore the conclusion is you’ve made a strawman argument. Glad that’s cleared up.

this!

I'd be grumpy in his shoes, though I'll grant you that's one reason I'd never marry.

Is he that keen for another child that he wants to do this?

It's all well and good posters saying he needs to communicate better but I can't help thinking if a woman felt smothered in this way, many posters would be sympathetic to any reluctance to speak up.

It's all well and good posters saying he needs to communicate better but I can't help thinking if a woman felt smothered in this way, many posters would be sympathetic to any reluctance to speak up

Speak for yourself. The 'It's all very good people saying xyz, but, actually, I know better!' stance isn't a strong one. Having sympathy for someone's position isn't the same as thinking they're doing the best thing for themselves. If a woman felt smothered in a relationship she wanted to stay in, the advice would be the same: stop behaving like a sulking child, and tell him how you feel.

Seems all your DH is good for according to your post is his 'swimmers'. I think you need to back off a bit with all the dietary controls and social life restrictions.