How to survive husband's grumps

[mariaerr]

Been married 2.5 years with our lovely 2-year-old daughter in tow. Before tying the knot, my husband was all sunshine and rainbows, but post-wedding, he's turned into Mr. Grumpy Pants. Maybe it's the exhaustion from toddler wrangling, who knows?

We've been trying for baby #2 for over 6 months now. At first, hubby's swimmers weren't Olympic material, but after ditching his after-work pub routine, me cooking him lots of veg every night and popping some supplements, they shaped up. Still, no bun in the oven after several "normal" tests.

Lately, he's been on a grump rampage, nitpicking everything from my lunch-packing skills (too much fruit), the ingredients of his dinner (too much veg) to my cough keeping him up at night. Even innocently asking about his plans with friends gets an eye roll and a sigh.

I'm torn between saying 'screw it' to his food-related complaints and worrying he'll just order junk food if I stop cooking, and swimmers will get back to their previous poor state. Plus, I'm not keen to leave given my baby fever is in full swing and we do get on well most of the time.

Any tips on how to tackle this grumpy husband situation while keeping my sanity intact? Would love to hear from anyone who's been through similar rough patches!"

@NonmagicMike the way you put it is obviously not great, but only in the bits that you've made up!

My wife is moody. I tell her how to dress, what to eat, call her fat because she went to the pub too much and ate takeaways, her eggs are useless and don’t work, and I’ve been sneakily ‘popping supplements’ in her dinner every night so she can sire me a child. You’d go ballistic no doubt about misogynistic men and ditch that loser.

I've never told my husband how to dress. I've never called him fat (the comments made on his sperm were on a doctor's report so designed to offer medical advice, not offend, and had nothing to do with his fat composition). I've never sneakily popped anything in his dinner, he voluntary takes supplements daily without a reminder from me.

I’ve used a bit of artistic license but I’m not the only one on this thread pointing out that the way you are behaving is not in keeping with him being anything other than grumpy. I get it, you’re on a baby making mission, I would bet the house he on some level feels mothered and like you’re wanting to manage his every move - social life, what he eats, who he sees and so on.

@mariaerr

Don't let anybody tell you that this is your fault. If your husband finds you bossy or overbearing, then he needs to communicate that to you. If he gets let off the hook for poor communication due to being tired etc, then so should you be. It's the same for everyone, male or female: communicate your feelings clearly and respectfully. If they are not respected, make your moves to leave. Nobody needs to blame anybody, and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. This is about what you each want/like/need, not about following the rules and getting it right.

You might as well blame broccoli for the fact you don't like it, seemingly, according to some PPs!

He's probably grumpy because he feels the pressure of you using him for stud. Maybe back off a bit with the pressure of him providing perfect "swimmers"!

If they had the same goals, he'd be doing it all for himself, rather than needing to be pressured. Again, he's not communicating his feelings.

He can make his own lunch but otherwise i would be grumpy too if my husband carried on the way you are

Mind you men get grumpy and women get hormones I hear

You’re treating him like a child and he’s responding like one. It’s not a sexy dynamic. Why are you doing him a packed lunch? Back off a bit and let him do his own thing, see if things change.

He definitely should be communicating with you if he doesn’t want another baby, you’re not a mind reader.

This.

I’d find all this mollycoddling utterly stifling and claustrophobic.

That said, if his behaviour is some passive aggressive resistance to the prospect of DC2 (which will only make his life more stressful, busy and demanding) then he should just say so and use contraception from now on.

Interesting. So your previous AIBU post where a majority of people called you controlling and stifling when you were honest about your own behaviour in this relationship didn't get you the answers you wanted?

So now you've reworded it to minimise your part in this and exaggerate his behaviour in the hope of getting some more people on your side, rather than addressing the possibility that you and your behaviour may well be part of the problem?

Interesting.

Also, "Mr Grumpy Pants" is something a kid of 3 might say

I'd be wondering if the grumpiness is linked to reluctance to.have a 2nd child. Is he fully on board ? Also lifestyle changes, whilst commendable are onli ok if both on board. It sounds like he isn't

Love to hear his side of it.

Does your husband really want another child so soon or is it just you?

Have you ever heard of a husband and wife being a team? He's not a single guy who can please himself 100% of the time.

He doesn't want another baby, and your obsession with his fertility is putting him under pressure that makes him resentful. The way you police his diet is horribly controlling. I feel quite sorry for him tbh.

@Hobbi

Doesn't sound like you are, currently, ready to have another baby - either mentally or physically, given how tired you currently are. Sounds like he's railroading you into doing something he wants and you're in two minds about - especially as you're the one who needs to carry the baby, give birth to it and provide the majority of the childcare - especially in the early days. And he's restricting your social life with your friends. Are you a heavy drinker or just nothing to worry about?

Do you work out of the house? How hands on is he with providing childcare for your current child or doing his bit with the chores at home?

You're right, none of what you've said is good - where do you go from here? 🌹

@Newestname002

Apologies - I was presenting the OPs scenario with the sexes reversed. Seems I was pretty accurate in how it would be received! So thank you genuinely for your concern but my baby days are long gone and my husband is lovely and wouldn't be controlling.

Amazing how a man following medical advice to stop drinking for a while and take some vitamins so he can have a child is considered by some to be a good reason to be horrible to his own wife.

And yet his wife is the one who is going to have to quit everything, even control over her own body, to grow said child 24/7 for nine months for them both, and that's just taken for granted.

Surely men aren't that weak and sensitive that this is ok.

Ooh do you have a link to the previous thread please?

You sound more than a little condescending in your OP. If you are anyway like that in real life towards him and not handling fertility issues with the upmost sensitivity and love necessary then it could cause resentment and moodiness. However, I live with a grump and it's shit. Have often felt like leaving only it turns round when I'm about to. My standards are not what they should be though. It's positive that he is taking these steps to help you both conceive. In my experience he's doing alot more than most men bother doing. I'd cut him some slack and encourage him to go out every now and then and enjoy a pint and a takeaway. Moderation is the key.

I'd back off on the TTC and on getting overly involved in what he's eating etc and see how your relationship is then.

I normally agree with your posts, Watchkeys but I do think, in this case, it might be her actions that he is reacting to.

Yes, it would be the mature thing to do for him to explain how her micromanagement of him makes him feel but she shouldn't be micromanaging him in the first place.

I'd feel really suffocated by someone doing all that she says she is doing.

Maybe he's tried explaining it already and she's dismissed it. Maybe she's ignored all of it and so this is all he has left.

And, yes, he could just end the relationship if he's not happy but we all know it isn't that simple.

He has autonomy, and needs to make his own decisions. Having his life micromanaged is very likely stifling.

Yes, rather than complain about the lunch made for him, or the vegetables in the dinner that is cooked for him, he might try taking on responsibility for meeting his own basic needs.

The OP doesn't want him to do that though.

He might be quite happy to feed himself and do his own lunches but the OP wants to monitor and manage what he eats and so she does it instead.