Page 3 | To message to check he’s still interested?

InsidiousRasperry · 2024-02-13T22:02:28+00:00

I mean.. I know if I have to ask he’s probably not, but I just need to draw a line under it. I’ve had 3 good dates with a guy from OLD but we had met in real life first. Last time we met was almost 3 weeks ago now. All was going really well, we messaged most days if not every day, just with daily chat. He works shifts so can be a bit tricky. We got on well together and just had a good laugh. On our last date we had a snog and it did make me feel a bit giddy! He was going skiing for a week the day after and I told him not to worry about messaging every day when he was away, just send some pics or whatever. I messaged to say safe flight and he didn’t reply at all until I messaged again to ask how it was going the day he was flying back. While he was away he did change his Tinder pics though!! Then he didn’t text for a few days until last Friday when he asked if I wanted to do something at the weekend as he’d like to see me - but didn’t bother to arrange anything and was hungover on Sunday. He has asked if I want to do something this week (again would love to see me apparently) but hasn’t arranged a day or anything! I know I said not to text everyday but I just think if he was thinking “wow I really like InsidiousRasp” he would be making more of an effort! So I’m going to leave it for a few days to see if he can bother to arrange anything and if not I’m going to message and draw a line under it. But I think I need some help drafting the words please, what do you think about the below (it’s from Reddit hahaha). “Helloo how’s your week going? I was just wondering if you’re still interested in whatever has been going on? I figured I’d just ask instead of trying to figure out what you were thinking or something equally ineffective. I’d rather just be clear about it 😌”

Draconis · 14/02/2024 14:01

Face it op, there are no 'what if's scenarios here.
He's not interested but keeping you hanging on because he's either too cowardly or hoping for a shag soon.
No romantic story.

Natty13 · 14/02/2024 16:23

InsidiousRasperry · 14/02/2024 00:02

Yeah I was actually gutted about the Tinder pic changing. I don’t patrol him on the app btw I just don’t chat to many on there so it was immediately obvious 🤣

I know the consensus is obviously just to leave it but I have done that previously and actually more difficult because there’s still a “what if” and it makes it easier for them to text like nothing had happened in 2 months time!!

Also this is me returning to the apps after not dating for almost 5 years and working on my self esteem 🥲

If you're worried about the "what if", which is totally understandable btw, I would send hime something like "I take it from your lack of effort planning when yo meet this week that you're no longer interested. This is disappointing not to just hear that from you directly and I hope you can treat the next woman you date with more respect"

He might respond making excuses and trying to still meet up, in which case you can tell him "I'm looking for someone communicative and who makes more of an effort to be proactive so I don't think we are compatible. All the best"

He might reply " yeah yore right I'vve just been so busy/just not keen any more/you live too far away/I'm allergic to your cat/I've decided to move to Timbuktoo" (aka I'm just not interested)
He might not respond at all.

Whatever he does, you'll know either way.

Lighteningstrikes · 14/02/2024 17:00

Don’t do it.

Silence speaks volumes.

You know that.

If he wants you he will climb mountains to get you.

Onwards and upwards 💐

SilverDrawer · 14/02/2024 17:43

Don’t message him at all. Certainly not to nip at him and give suggestions about how he should deal with the next woman. Just move on.

Set your boundaries and get some more dates lined up!

SamW98 · 14/02/2024 17:48

SilverDrawer · 14/02/2024 17:43

Don’t message him at all. Certainly not to nip at him and give suggestions about how he should deal with the next woman. Just move on.

Set your boundaries and get some more dates lined up!

💯- he’s a grown adult he knows what he’s doing. Telling him how he’s made you feel or how he should behave just makes you look bitter - rightly or wrongly. And quite frankly you’ll be wasting your time because he won’t care.

Silence is golden in these situations. Tbh he’s almost certainly moved on already so don’t waste your time and energy on him

FinallyFeb · 14/02/2024 18:58

Block and forget him.

Missfelinemoo · 14/02/2024 19:23

InsidiousRasperry · 14/02/2024 09:46

I did meet him in real life first. It’s very rare to meet people in real life now though - all of my friends in relationships are from OLD. I am early 30s.

Anyway yeah I rage deleted Tinder and Hinge this morning but we’ll see how long that last for haha.

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I think men in online dating are like kids in a sweet shop. Too much choice or the illusion of choice. So they don't want to settle on one person. I think unless someone is serious about finding someone you'll get these guys that just want their egos stroked.

Fucketyfecketyfoo · 14/02/2024 19:32

Have some self respect. If a man isn’t chasing you, it ain’t worth chasing him. This guy isn’t interested.

Holibobby · 14/02/2024 19:45

@InsidiousRasperry just out of curiosity what’s his name / what area are you in? Because all of the details you’ve given are an exact match to the guy I’ve been on dates with 🙈

Picklestop · 14/02/2024 19:51

I am puzzled as to what happened when he twice said he would like to see you? In my world this would then have led to arrangements being made between us, e.g. I would have responded, yep I am good for Saturday night, where shall we go or similar.

That puzzlement aside though, I also think he would be making more of an effort if he was interested. I am in my 50s now but looking back, whenever I have gone through those days of agonising over whether somebody liked me or not, I subsequently realised that the answer was always not. And I always knew for sure when they did.

Original poster

InsidiousRasperry · 14/02/2024 20:07

Picklestop · 14/02/2024 19:51

I am puzzled as to what happened when he twice said he would like to see you? In my world this would then have led to arrangements being made between us, e.g. I would have responded, yep I am good for Saturday night, where shall we go or similar.

That puzzlement aside though, I also think he would be making more of an effort if he was interested. I am in my 50s now but looking back, whenever I have gone through those days of agonising over whether somebody liked me or not, I subsequently realised that the answer was always not. And I always knew for sure when they did.

It takes two people to arrange a date 🤣 I can say “yes I’m free tomorrow, we can go for a walk/get a coffee/go for dinner” 20 times but it doesn’t go anywhere if he doesn’t agree!

OP posts:

Ilovelurchers · 14/02/2024 20:45

Whenever I read threads like this, there is a lot of advice to the op to "retain her self respect" (even if it isn't put like this, this is the gist) by not messaging the guy again. To me there are two problems with this idea:

A) it lets blokes persistently get away with this kind of slow fade crap, because they are never called on it. It makes it absolutely easy for men to treat women like disposable commodities, rather than humans with feelings. Because women are conditioned not to show any hurt in these situations, however bad we actually feel. It's just another way of the patriarchy silencing us in my book - as if a woman complaining about such treatment would be a neurotic needy banshee.....No she wouldn't - she would just be a human, with needs, demanding and deserving basic politeness and respect.

B) Who is she even maintaining this self respect in front of? Because, even if the man DOES think less of her for questioning his conduct - who the fuck cares what he thinks?

Therefore, I strongly think that OP should NOT be silenced, and forever left wondering about this guy. It he has changed his mind, doesn't want to see her again, it would take him literally 30 seconds to compose a polite message telling her so. He could make up some bullshit if he wanted - too busy for dating, stuff going on, whatever. 30 seconds, rather than messing her around and leaving her hanging possibly for weeks with this slow fade bollocks.....

It may sound like I am giving this too much seriousness, but honestly I think it IS a feminist issue, and this "keep your self respect" mantra, while entirely well meaning (I don't for onee minute question the integrity of those who espouse it) is yet another way of putting us back in our boxes, so our (quite human) needs and emotions don't inconvenience men or make them feel the slightest guilt about doing exactly what they want.....

Ask him, OP, using whatever form of words you want. You don't have to play games just because he chooses to.

SilverDrawer · 14/02/2024 21:08

There’s no point asking him. Or trying to improve him. Don’t waste time on people who are not that interested in seeing you

DrunkenElephant · 15/02/2024 14:19

Ilovelurchers · 14/02/2024 20:45

Whenever I read threads like this, there is a lot of advice to the op to "retain her self respect" (even if it isn't put like this, this is the gist) by not messaging the guy again. To me there are two problems with this idea:

A) it lets blokes persistently get away with this kind of slow fade crap, because they are never called on it. It makes it absolutely easy for men to treat women like disposable commodities, rather than humans with feelings. Because women are conditioned not to show any hurt in these situations, however bad we actually feel. It's just another way of the patriarchy silencing us in my book - as if a woman complaining about such treatment would be a neurotic needy banshee.....No she wouldn't - she would just be a human, with needs, demanding and deserving basic politeness and respect.

B) Who is she even maintaining this self respect in front of? Because, even if the man DOES think less of her for questioning his conduct - who the fuck cares what he thinks?

Therefore, I strongly think that OP should NOT be silenced, and forever left wondering about this guy. It he has changed his mind, doesn't want to see her again, it would take him literally 30 seconds to compose a polite message telling her so. He could make up some bullshit if he wanted - too busy for dating, stuff going on, whatever. 30 seconds, rather than messing her around and leaving her hanging possibly for weeks with this slow fade bollocks.....

It may sound like I am giving this too much seriousness, but honestly I think it IS a feminist issue, and this "keep your self respect" mantra, while entirely well meaning (I don't for onee minute question the integrity of those who espouse it) is yet another way of putting us back in our boxes, so our (quite human) needs and emotions don't inconvenience men or make them feel the slightest guilt about doing exactly what they want.....

Ask him, OP, using whatever form of words you want. You don't have to play games just because he chooses to.

The problem with this is men do not care.

Calling them out on their shitty behaviour will not make a jot of difference. They will not take it on board, or make positive changes, or act any differently in future. They really do not give a shit.

Calling someone out achieves nothing, and especially not after only three dates. Self respect is for you, nobody else. If the OP calls him out on this behaviour, do you think she will feel better or worse in the future when she looks back? I speak from experience when I say cutting them off in silence and moving on makes me feel better, for me, nobody else. I respect myself more for removing myself from the situation with dignity - I know my worth, even if others don’t.

If I had called out the shitty behaviour, I know I’d be disappointed in myself because I would have given them an ego boost and the satisfaction of knowing that they had upset me when in all likelihood, they had already moved on to someone else. There would be no positive outcome because like I said, they do not care.

Original poster

InsidiousRasperry · 15/02/2024 14:48

I’m going to message as I know it will make me feel better. I’ve had enough OLD “micro break ups” over the years to know what works for me. I also know all of my IRL friends would do the same.

Thanks all for the input anyway 😌

OP posts:

SamW98 · 15/02/2024 14:57

DrunkenElephant · 15/02/2024 14:19

The problem with this is men do not care.

Calling them out on their shitty behaviour will not make a jot of difference. They will not take it on board, or make positive changes, or act any differently in future. They really do not give a shit.

Calling someone out achieves nothing, and especially not after only three dates. Self respect is for you, nobody else. If the OP calls him out on this behaviour, do you think she will feel better or worse in the future when she looks back? I speak from experience when I say cutting them off in silence and moving on makes me feel better, for me, nobody else. I respect myself more for removing myself from the situation with dignity - I know my worth, even if others don’t.

If I had called out the shitty behaviour, I know I’d be disappointed in myself because I would have given them an ego boost and the satisfaction of knowing that they had upset me when in all likelihood, they had already moved on to someone else. There would be no positive outcome because like I said, they do not care.

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Completely agree with you. Its nothing to do with feminism or putting women on their box, its just it’s a waste of head space and energy to call out someone who won’t give a flying fuck and will probably just either not read anyway or roll his eyes and laugh.

Each to their own as to how they deal with situations but it’s certainly anti feminist to delete, block and move on in peace rather than chase for an answer you probably won’t even get.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/02/2024 14:58

Will messaging him make you feel better if he doesn't reply though? Or continues to mess about and prolong the slow fade. You'll then be in exactly the same position again. How many times are you going to chase him only to be disappointed by a lukewarm response.

Original poster

InsidiousRasperry · 15/02/2024 14:59

Yes I will feel better even if he doesn’t reply.

OP posts:

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/02/2024 14:59

Good then sounds like you're doing the right thing for you. x

MaryActsLikeSheDontCare · 15/02/2024 15:00

I like the advice that if you have to ask, he’s not interested

SamW98 · 15/02/2024 15:03

SamW98 · 15/02/2024 14:57

Completely agree with you. Its nothing to do with feminism or putting women on their box, its just it’s a waste of head space and energy to call out someone who won’t give a flying fuck and will probably just either not read anyway or roll his eyes and laugh.

Each to their own as to how they deal with situations but it’s certainly anti feminist to delete, block and move on in peace rather than chase for an answer you probably won’t even get.

Edited

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Not anti feminist - too late to edit!

icelolly12 · 15/02/2024 15:04

I'd message something like "so are we meeting or not?" I prefer to be direct and get a direct reponse!

Original poster

InsidiousRasperry · 15/02/2024 15:12

Yea I’ll think about what to say but will probs be something short 🤣

To give some background, I have been on and off the apps for a looong time, and have had my fair share of fizzling out, ignoring/not replying (me doing it too!), also a fair amount of nice endings.

About 5 years ago I was ghosted after I’d been seeing someone for about 6 months. Like properly ghosted and it was terrible. At the time I just blocked, deleted number because “I’m better than that”, “I won’t give him the satisfaction” etc etc. Except I then spent the next god knows how long ruminating on it and wishing I had just said what I had to say. Even though I knew he wouldn’t have replied at least I would have said my part!

Sometimes you know what you need to do. So as much as I appreciate the responses, I kind of wish I hadn’t asked here.

My friend was ghosted shortly after and I know she sent a barrage of messages before she blocked him and she felt much better 🤣

OP posts:

DrunkenElephant · 15/02/2024 15:19

Can I just ask, are you messaging to tell him what you think and regardless of his reply you are done with him?

Or are you hoping your message will prompt him to apologise and continue dating?

verycurlyindeed · 15/02/2024 21:34

OP this isn’t the story anyone tells at their wedding. He’s just playing.