To message to check he’s still interested?

[InsidiousRasperry]

I mean.. I know if I have to ask he’s probably not, but I just need to draw a line under it.

I’ve had 3 good dates with a guy from OLD but we had met in real life first. Last time we met was almost 3 weeks ago now.

All was going really well, we messaged most days if not every day, just with daily chat. He works shifts so can be a bit tricky. We got on well together and just had a good laugh. On our last date we had a snog and it did make me feel a bit giddy!

He was going skiing for a week the day after and I told him not to worry about messaging every day when he was away, just send some pics or whatever. I messaged to say safe flight and he didn’t reply at all until I messaged again to ask how it was going the day he was flying back. While he was away he did change his Tinder pics though!!

Then he didn’t text for a few days until last Friday when he asked if I wanted to do something at the weekend as he’d like to see me - but didn’t bother to arrange anything and was hungover on Sunday. He has asked if I want to do something this week (again would love to see me apparently) but hasn’t arranged a day or anything!

I know I said not to text everyday but I just think if he was thinking “wow I really like InsidiousRasp” he would be making more of an effort! So I’m going to leave it for a few days to see if he can bother to arrange anything and if not I’m going to message and draw a line under it. But I think I need some help drafting the words please, what do you think about the below (it’s from Reddit hahaha).

“Helloo how’s your week going? I was just wondering if you’re still interested in whatever has been going on? I figured I’d just ask instead of trying to figure out what you were thinking or something equally ineffective. I’d rather just be clear about it 😌”

If he texts like nothing has happened in 3 months just ignore him.

Think about it - if you liked someone, would you behave like he is?

You wouldn't. Therefore the conclusion you can draw is that he doesn't like you enough to take you seriously, and that you deserve better. The best thing you can do for your confidence in this scenario is take control! Leave him in the dust.

You'll feel worse if you act on a 'what if' and then he turns out to be an arse, and after all the best predictor of future behaviour is previous behaviour

If he’s really interested you would know.
Sure you might get a few more dates if you chase him. He’ll probably sleep with you. That will be all.
Move on.

Absolutely!

OP, if you really liked someone would you go from texting them every day to stopping? And then go back on Tinder? And then message saying you really wanted to see him and then not bother?

You wouldn't.
If you got to the point where you stopped texting them every day it would be because you weren't really feeling it or were getting bored of it.

And if you got to the point of going back on Tinder it's because you're looking for a better option.

And if you got to the point where you go back to the other person then it's because you're one of those people who just likes attention/likes stringing people along etc.

If he says nothing and then texts in a couple of months like nothing happened then that is just a huge red flag anyway so you should ignore.

Block his number and unmatch on tinder then the ‘what if he contacts in 3 months’ issue goes away.

Please don’t message him. You will look like you’re chasing him. It’s better for your self esteem in the long wrong. OLD requires a thick skin and knowing how to read the signs.

You don’t need to send anything. Respectfully, he’s not interested.

Men don’t generally treat the women they’re into like this. He’s breadcruming you and giving you vague hope for a future date to keep you as an option if he’s in a “drought” in the future.

if you have to ask ‘does he like me’ oftentimes he doesn’t. When a guy likes you, you’ll know. If you have to go online and get advice about weather he likes you (we’ve all been there) he doesn’t. If he’s sometimish and blows hot and cold. Generally means he doesn’t like you

sorry!

also the tinder stuff as well - he’s keeping his options open

Don't do it, if he wanted to meet you he would have made arrangements with you.

He probably didn't even go on a skiing holiday. Just dropping in on a date that going away the next day is highly suss and set up so you wouldn't text him while he's busy dating others, but can keep you on the back-burner otherwise.
He's put you in his pile of 'ok if at a lose end'. Don't beg for more, just leave it. If he ever asks again, give him a straight " no thanks , have moved on". Mentally consider it done immediately, draw a line and see others. If you have trouble doing that OLD may not be for you.

I learned the hard way too, OP, as I tried to read into stuff too much. Watch some videos on being a high value woman and don’t take crap from any man, you’ll be much more desirable in the long run and then you’ll start attracting much better guys. Never ever chase a guy, you’ll feel so much better this way as you’ll keep your pride in tact. First sign of crappy behaviour, you have to be ruthless to cut out all the bad ones. For me, changing his photos shows he is not invested and I would have walked away there and then

I only say all this as I’ve been online dating for a while and it can either really hurt your self esteem (Which it did to me) or you learn to build on it instead and now I wouldn’t settle for less than someone showing me clearly they are into me. If they are leaving you in doubt, raise your bar

Text to arrange the date.
Working shifts is exhausting I would imagine.
Perhaps stop playing thr waiting game and get in with meeting in person more often and see if you click in person.
All the what does he want, what's he thinking is best found out during your dates.
Delete the Reddit garb and be upfront and honest in a polite way.
Don't go all crazy lady just yet it's to early and he has to balance, work, life, dating.

The apps are good but you need the hide of a rhino and firm boundaries.

Block and delete anyone who messes with your head or is flaky with messaging or clearly on a different page to you.

Don’t message him. Unmatch, move on.

Make a list of what’s unacceptable to you, and enforce ruthlessly 😃

Being someone's option is a choice, choose to be someone's priority instead.

But you’re choosing to stay with the ‘what if’. Surely you want more than this behaviour? You want to be a priority? Delete and move on.

His lack of interest would have caused me to lose interest by now tbh.

If he did get in touch down the line, you'd be insulted not flattered, wouldn't you?

This.

Hanging around wondering, "What if..?"

What if what?

What if changing his tinder pics didn't result in more attention?

What if he decides there's no one better than you around so he might as well?

What if he's horny and fancies a shag?

What if he dates around a bit and reasons you're the love of his life after all..?

Don't you want to meet someone who is bowled over by you and genuinely thinks you're amazing and has no interest in changing his tinder pics because he's lost interest in all that because now he's met you?

I'd stay off the dating apps completely if I were you. Is there anything stopping you from going out and meeting men in real life?

I'd send an are you free on Saturday text.

I read until this point

"While he was away he did change his Tinder pics though!!"

Sorry OP but he's not interested. I went on holiday with my friends a few weeks after I started dating my DP and I literally could not stop thinking about him the whole time I was away. We texted and spoke most days and couldn't wait to see each other when I got home!

If he's thought to go on Tinder and update his photos, he's still looking to date. He's probably just keeping you in the background as there's nobody else on the scene at the moment.

Don't message him. To quote a very bad movie, he's just not that into you....

Agree with this. You’re choosing to remain in the ‘what if’ mindset by ignoring the signs and inventing a scenario in your head. Surely that’s far worse for your self esteem than walking away with your dignity intact?

If he isn’t showing you he’s interested by his actions, then why ask him the question?

It’s not a nice feeling to be faded but let him fade into history and move on.

OP: men who are interested show it and you know it. He's still on Tinder, on the look out. That means you are on the back burner for him. He's not treating you like a person. He's treating you like leftover food you stick in the freezer which you'll only eat if there's nothing better in the fridge.

Your win-win would be to gain a massive dose of self-respect. Ironically, it will make him far more keen if you are too busy and have too high standards to be asking if he's interested.

Change your own Tinder pics. Look actively for a man who is one step above him in your ideal - better looking, cleverer, kinder, fitter, nicer, whatever. Don't reply to him for at least a couple of weeks while you actively look for someone better. It's very empowering to raise your game when you feel cast aside by someone you have barely started seeing.

I did meet him in real life first. It’s very rare to meet people in real life now though - all of my friends in relationships are from OLD. I am early 30s.

Anyway yeah I rage deleted Tinder and Hinge this morning but we’ll see how long that last for haha.

If a guy is interested then you can't miss it! This guy is just not that interested :)

Echoing the other posters, if he texts in 3 months you ignore him.

YOU are the prize. You need to remember that - shitty half arsed men are not good enough. The first sign of game playing, cooling off, blowing hot and cold - put them in the bin. No “what ifs” no hand wringing, excusing their behaviour or over analysing, get them gone and on to the next.

Be absolutely clear in what you want, and what you will not accept. Write it down if you need to. If a man doesn’t measure up, he’s not for you. Do not bend your boundaries to accommodate shitty men.

Its a numbers game, the sooner you start being serious about what you want and getting rid of anyone who makes you feel unsure the sooner you will meet the one who leaves you in no doubt about how he feels about you. Remember your worth and never settle for less than you deserve. It really is better to be single than to be with the wrong person.

He’s not interested. When they are you don’t need to check anything. It’s blatantly obvious

@InsidiousRasperry I completely understand your disappointment but don't waste anymore time on him. The only way to meet someone more serious is to dump when they are flaky. There shouldn't be "what ifs"..he had his chance. A man will let you know that he is interested and you won't be confused or in doubt.

But you went on tinder too?