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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the ‘crazy’ abusive ex

85 replies

Pompomtree · 13/02/2024 20:01

I am the crazy ex.

I am the completely unreasonable woman that drove him to cheat repeatedly. I was just so awful. I am the reason he left his children and hardly sees them. I am unhinged and make his life unnecessarily hard.

This is what the other women thought of me at the time. Any one else been in this club?

OP posts:
SoRainbowRhythms · 14/02/2024 14:17

I almost forgot, I was TOO independent, therefore horrible and crazy.

LadyShimura · 14/02/2024 14:38

I am too a member of this club.

I dread to think the shit he's said about me. I heard some of it from a ex of his after she found his messages to the woman he left me for. He also said nasty shit about her too. Shame because she was a lovely woman, and my daughter liked her.

The worst one he said was, they'd get married and she'd be my daughter's new mother. Of course he turned into a shit dad and my daughter doesnt like him very much.

He can say whatever he likes about me, because I'm 14 years passed giving a shit.

Jonisaysitbest · 14/02/2024 14:39

I was the crazy ex wife who apparently didn't clean the bathroom well enough and washed his undies when he'd rather do it himself (one of the more bizarre complaints against me!).
I was also the one putting his kids to bed while he was shagging other women in hotel rooms...

roses321 · 14/02/2024 14:47

Jonisaysitbest · 14/02/2024 14:39

I was the crazy ex wife who apparently didn't clean the bathroom well enough and washed his undies when he'd rather do it himself (one of the more bizarre complaints against me!).
I was also the one putting his kids to bed while he was shagging other women in hotel rooms...

You should be ashamed of yourself for not scrubbing harder. How dare you!!

roses321 · 14/02/2024 14:48

scoobs321 · 14/02/2024 13:55

Mine has written a book about our divorce and our subsequent family court and crown court dealings for non payment of child maintenance. Apparently he is self publishing. I wonder if I should ask for a signed copy 😜

Can I have one please? Could you ask him for me? They say laughter is the best medicine.

ChAmpagnesupernissancorsa · 14/02/2024 14:50

Me too.
Despite him having an affair I’m the one who left him because I wanted another man, didn’t love the children, was abusive and dangerous and took all his money.
In reality I was a broken woman who after the realisation of his affair quietly crawled away after years of his abuse, who cried herself to sleep every night whilst working all the hours I could to support myself and the children as he left us with almost nothing to start his new family.
Ive never told the children the truth as he was already causing so much damage with his rantings although as young adults they’ve worked it out for themselves now that it was all a pack of lies. Especially after he is on woman number two after our marriage and they saw what he did to the first one.

Geordielass35 · 14/02/2024 15:57

I won't let my ex define me. I know what I am.

Original poster
Pompomtree · 14/02/2024 16:38

so many of us in the

Bad Wives and Partners Club!

Coincidental it’s the same old same over and over…

  • They cheat and you are abusive for reacting and calling them out on their behaviour.
  • A bad mother for putting the children first. Or the accusation of weaponising the children.
  • Abusive for standing up for yourself and saying enough is enough. Add in the branding you as a narcissist for good measure.
  • Lazy women. Did not work hard enough. Keep the house clean enough, despite spinning 100 plates while he just focuses on work and nothing more.
  • You didn’t give enough affection. Ignorance to it being a two way street and you are so busy spinning those 100 plates…
  • They were unhappy for years. But had a baby two years ago and another two before that. And wanted those children.

Reality usually caught out cheating or being a shit and can’t possibly accept accountability or any responsibility for their crap behaviour and actions.

OP posts:
Geordielass35 · 14/02/2024 16:46

Pompomtree · 14/02/2024 16:38

so many of us in the

Bad Wives and Partners Club!

Coincidental it’s the same old same over and over…

  • They cheat and you are abusive for reacting and calling them out on their behaviour.
  • A bad mother for putting the children first. Or the accusation of weaponising the children.
  • Abusive for standing up for yourself and saying enough is enough. Add in the branding you as a narcissist for good measure.
  • Lazy women. Did not work hard enough. Keep the house clean enough, despite spinning 100 plates while he just focuses on work and nothing more.
  • You didn’t give enough affection. Ignorance to it being a two way street and you are so busy spinning those 100 plates…
  • They were unhappy for years. But had a baby two years ago and another two before that. And wanted those children.

Reality usually caught out cheating or being a shit and can’t possibly accept accountability or any responsibility for their crap behaviour and actions.

Love it! @Pompomtree wrote my thoughts better than I could

CantDealwithChristmas · 14/02/2024 16:49

I don't know whether he's put me in the crazy ex cub or not (he probably has) but after he left me I did find out that his previous crazy ex was not only not crazy, but had also been fed a bunch of lies about the crazy ex before that!

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/02/2024 16:52

I suspect I am. Given the crap (I now realise) he spouted about the ex before me to me, it stands to reason I am getting trashed to the women he cheated on me with. Ah well…

SpringleDingle · 14/02/2024 16:52

Yep, I ditched and blocked him out of the blue. He had no idea at all that there were issues and I am just completely unreasonable.

Doesnt mention the fact that we had a row over him standing me up (again) which resulted in him telling me I gave him the ick and he didn’t want to do our Xmas vacation together and I should take my DD instead (would have done if she hadn’t been with her dad that weeekend!!). He doesn’t mention the previous break ups, his ED issues or the ongoing arguments about his commitment-phobias. Doesn’t mention that I only blocked him weeks after we split up because he started sending horrible sexually aggressive texts… oh or that he was on Bumble looking for other women a few months before we broke up!

what a waste of 3years of my life!

Epidote · 14/02/2024 16:56

I am the witch of the west. He is Dorothy.
He is a victim of the universe that is against him since birth. Everyone is in the wrong and against him. Shame that he is wasting his time playing video games, if he had put all his intellect and cleverness into science he easily could had won two Nobel prizes by now.

Jonisaysitbest · 14/02/2024 16:56

Pompomtree · 14/02/2024 16:38

so many of us in the

Bad Wives and Partners Club!

Coincidental it’s the same old same over and over…

  • They cheat and you are abusive for reacting and calling them out on their behaviour.
  • A bad mother for putting the children first. Or the accusation of weaponising the children.
  • Abusive for standing up for yourself and saying enough is enough. Add in the branding you as a narcissist for good measure.
  • Lazy women. Did not work hard enough. Keep the house clean enough, despite spinning 100 plates while he just focuses on work and nothing more.
  • You didn’t give enough affection. Ignorance to it being a two way street and you are so busy spinning those 100 plates…
  • They were unhappy for years. But had a baby two years ago and another two before that. And wanted those children.

Reality usually caught out cheating or being a shit and can’t possibly accept accountability or any responsibility for their crap behaviour and actions.

All so true!

I only found out about The Script when I began looking at Mumsnet a year or so ago and couldn't believe how much of it rang true for my situation.

Amazing how so many men do and say the same things!

roses321 · 14/02/2024 17:08

Ok so here's a question then.

Why are they like this? And why is it that they know what they've done but refuse point blank to accept resonsibility for it?

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 14/02/2024 17:20

Mine was abusive for many many years.

Emotional, coercive, financial. All of the above.

I begged and pleaded to go to marriage guidance for months. He refused. Then relented. Then attended 1 session with me. He stood me up on the second one.

The abuse continued. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

He then discovered I’d re written my will.

(Still no lightbulb moment from him…)

I then left him “out of the blue”…

He moans that I took him to the cleaners… I only got what I ‘deserved’ from a legal standpoint after a long marriage. He threatened to send people round to sort me out.

The DC get it. They’re very low contact with him these days. It breaks my heart that they’ve left the country in order to do so.

My - and our - friends are slowly understanding what I went through. I’ve not really had to explain much. Sometimes a dignified silence speaks volumes.

Meanwhile, I’m living my best life.

sexyandsmart · 14/02/2024 17:28

Onceuponaheartache · 13/02/2024 20:08

Yep, I am the crazy ex who shagged anything with a penis and a pulse (including my friends dad) took out imaginary loans against his house, ran up shit loads of debt and fucked off causing him to loose his house.

Unfortunately people including my best mate and my sisters best friend believed him.

I kept my silence for years until something was said that could have resulted in me loosing my job. At that point I broadcast to the world that he was a violent, financially abusive rapist who ran up thousands of pounds worth of debt, refused to work, cancelled all his work insurance (self employed), didn't pay his taxes or NI contributions who then threatened court action and would have taken our house unless I paid it all out of inheritance and my credit cards and then spent the following 10 years trying to pay it all back.

There are still people who buy his BS.

He is back living with his first wife (who did cheat on him) and frankly she is fucking welcome to lying sack of shit.

Edited

Your best mate believed him? Hope you've got better friends

HippyCritical · 14/02/2024 17:31

roses321 · 14/02/2024 17:08

Ok so here's a question then.

Why are they like this? And why is it that they know what they've done but refuse point blank to accept resonsibility for it?

Because they're weak. Because their fragile egos won't allow them to be honest. It's intentional but so inbuilt it's subconscious, I think. Or maybe it's just Da Roolz for arseholes.

Add in the branding you as a narcissist for good measure.

Their accusations are admissions.

You didn’t give enough affection. Ignorance to it being a two way street

When he spun me that line I told him I had thought he was gay he had rejected me so often. I gave up trying to have any affection very soon into the marriage. It was an eye opener to learn from The Freedom Programme book that withholding of sex is also a form of abuse.

Meanwhile, I’m living my best life.

Isn't it strange how many of us are! While they're still working their miserable magic on their current victims we have learned and flourished. That is a good club to be in 💪

manipulatrice · 14/02/2024 17:40

I'm sure I was probably the crazy ex, I know I was the "bitchy new wife" to his ex as I wouldn't put up with her shit.

I wonder what I was to his mistress? Probably the pathetic wife that doesn't pay him any attention, that was old and had a couple of kids and didn't know how to care for my man.

Vom.

Morecurlywurly · 14/02/2024 17:45

I am the crazy ex wife who stopped putting up with his abuse and obviously that was because of my hormones which made me unhinged, unstable and “loopy”!

He even went into the weekly local mental health clinic to “ report” me and get me “taken in “
😁
I think the staff would have seen right through him !

Scarletttulips · 14/02/2024 17:45

I was also the crazy ex that took the house - you mean the one in my name that I paid for?

duende · 14/02/2024 17:53

Thank you for starting this thread, it is a balm for my bruised heart and head.

I am earlier on this journey than many of you. How do I make myself stronger and more resilient against the horrible, unfair shite I get from him?

I hate conflict, it gives me anxiety, I generally a very peaceful, compromising person but this time I am having to stand up for myself and the kids and the level of stress is awful.

BeADinosaur · 14/02/2024 17:55

Oddly, I was crazy when I was with him, but now I'm the sainted stick to beat his new girlfriend with.

When we were together I was crazy, lazy, paranoid, cheating with work colleagues/friends, texting every man who has ever existed etc etc.

But now, as he tells it to his new girlfriend, I was apparently the perfect girlfriend? I was content to do 100% of everything, never expected anything of him, never moaned about him going out every weekend, never complained about the drugs he took, never even thought about texting another man in his presence. So why does she complain/expect him to do chores/have a life outside of him???

(I have, of course, got message to new gf that this is a tank of shit and that she needs to fucking run. She seems nice, I hope she listens)

piscofrisco · 14/02/2024 17:55

I was the crazy ex who dared to be incredibly upset and tbh quite angry when it emerged that my now exh had been having an affair with my best friend. The most I ever did was shout at my husband twice. Apparently that was too much, I didn't get over it quick enough, and I later faked my mental health issues (severe anxiety and depression) to try and make a point.

HippyCritical · 14/02/2024 18:16

duende · 14/02/2024 17:53

Thank you for starting this thread, it is a balm for my bruised heart and head.

I am earlier on this journey than many of you. How do I make myself stronger and more resilient against the horrible, unfair shite I get from him?

I hate conflict, it gives me anxiety, I generally a very peaceful, compromising person but this time I am having to stand up for myself and the kids and the level of stress is awful.

I would say pick your battles. Most of what he says and does will be him trying to get you to react - practise not showing any emotion to those twattish attempts, that's if he needs an answer at all. Keep things as formal as possible. Do not engage in anything that isn't a formality. Show him no emotion.

If he is being abusive towards you or the children I think it would be an idea to have professional support from the likes of Women's Aid.

Your strength will come with time, you'll get there, we've got you Flowers