Date

[Emma84882]

Would appreciate some advice please. Met a guy around a month ago and we got on really well. We hit it off and we have been on five dates since. I really like this guy but can’t help feeling he is messing me around. For example, last weekend, he was due to come down and meet me (we live around an hour apart). He didn’t check the trains until the day and then it turned out they were striking (he can’t drive medically, not his fault). I felt pretty annoyed that he didn’t check until the day, but nonetheless went up and spent time with him and had a lovely day.

This weekend, trains were running and he says he will come down to me for the day. I’d planned a really nice day, cleaned the house, baked a cake etc and was really looking forward to showing him where I lived. He turned up 1.5 hours later than we had originally agreed on (he’d been at the rugby the night before and wasn’t feeling his best). Because of the time, we went to lunch at a pub that I’d booked a table at, had a quick wander and a coffee before it was time for him to get his train again. I probably sound like I’m making a big thing of this, but was so looking forward to seeing him and it felt like an anti-climax.

He texted today and apologised for not being on form and said he hoped to feel better next week (we talked about me going up his way for a pub dinner next weekend). He said that he hoped I’d enjoyed the day anyway. At this point, I was hot-headed in my reply and said that to be honest, I hadn’t really, that I had really looked forward to showing him around and that I felt disappointed that we hadn’t been able to do that. I also then added that I didn’t feel that he had really wanted to be there yesterday and that I would leave it up to him as to whether or not we see each other again as I don’t want us to waste each other’s time.

I have not heard from him since. I now have massive remorse as I really like the guy, but do feel he’s messing me around. So sorry for the long post, any advice very welcome. Appreciate that I may be being unreasonable here! Thank you.

Don't think you are being unreasonable. I would be extremely annoyed if somebody turned up 1.5 hours late for a date.

You shouldn’t have regrets as ultimately you did the right thing. He obviously wasn't that interested. You do not deserve to be someones “if I can be bothered ” girlfriend.

My OH travelled literally over 100 miles to meet me for dates and made me feel (and still does make me feel) like I’m the most important person in his world. That’s what you want.

Agree with previous posters. I accepted always feeling like an afterthought at the beginning and paid a rather high price for it in the end. You deserve better x

It's only 5 dates in and on more than one occasion he's annoyed the living fuck out of you.

You did the right thing. He's a chancer.

If you have a date the next day, you don't get drunk the night before. Especially as you know you already inconvenienced this person on your last date at the last minute.

Don't see him again. He is a disrespectful piss taker. And tbh I think it may even be deliberate from him to see how much shite you'll tolerate.

You did the right thing. You communicated how you felt about his actions. If you hadn't said anything he would probably continue being late and half assed about things and the flakiness would just carry on. If he likes you , he will come back. And if you speaking your mind scared him off, then he's a total twat and you can do a lot better for yourself.

So you’ve been on 5 dates and hes messed you about on 2 of them? Fuck that - he’s flaky and it won’t get any better. Turning up late because he’s hanging is rude and disrespectful. And him not driving would be off putting as well especially as you live a way apart. You’ll end up always being the chauffeur.

I would say though maybe you’re investing quite heavily in someone you barely know - baking a cake seems a bit much tbh. Maybe slow it down a bit and keep it light until you’re a bit more established.

Erm my now hubby travelled up to me every other day 2 hours away then back to his work the next morning and I went down his at weekends. The effort he put in was one of my biggest things and that's why we married and he got a job transfer to where we live now

But what exactly do you like about him? He doesn't share any of your core values does he?

you’re not being unreasonable, he’s flaky and has red flags written all over him

Don't feel bad, you live an hour apart, there will always be an issue with transport or he isn't good at timing trains! If you don't voice how you feel then you'd end up resenting months of the same treatment. You did the right thing.
if he doesn't get in touch again then he isn't bothered about making the effort , someone out there better suited to you.

Thank you everyone. It’s a always a difficult one because I really like him, but I do feel frustrated, because as generous as he is personality wise, he seems to use that as a reason to be crap overall with time and planning. No word from him, so I’m guessing I probably won’t hear from him again! Really appreciate the advice though, thank you.

I think it's fine that you were upfront and assertive with him.

If he was feeling it, he'd be mortified. As it is, he hopes to treat you with casual affront. He's not arsed about impressing you.

Next!

I think that, if you feel remorse for expressing your feelings, it might be a good idea to do a bit of self investigation. Were you remorseful for having the feeling, for expressing it, or for the way in which you expressed it? And once you've worked that out, work out why you feel remorseful for it.

We are allowed to feel frustration, anger, annoyance, irritation, disappointment... why would you feel that expressing that was 'wrong'?

Thank you. If I’m entirely honest, I feel remorseful for how this has been expressed.I guess should I have tried to explain in person at the time is something that I am wondering. I do feel that my feelings are valid, but I guess he won’t necessarily know that I spent all of the day before cleaning the house, baking a cake etc. wanting to impress him. I know I sound silly, I can normally move past things like this, but I really did like this guy.

Nope you did the right thing. Complete waster. Your feelings are not wrong. I would have done the same.

That’s a shame as we all know it’s hard to find a man that you actually like. Hopefully, a better guy with manners will turn up for you soon.

It is absolutely shit when the guy you like turns flaky and half assed, it's happened to me too several times and it makes it harder to bin them! If it was someone I wasn't bothered about, I would be ok to let them go if they are behaving like that but it's definitely so much harder when you are starting to get feelings. This is something I struggle with

I'm on the opposite fence.

The individual's decision to cut off contact seems understandable given the circumstances. Rather than labeling him as unreliable, it seems your actions played a significant role.

Your treatment towards him wasn't ideal. Initially, you were upset when he couldn't make it due to train strikes, yet you visited him and claimed to have a pleasant time. Later during another visit, when he made an effort to see you despite feeling unwell and arrived late, you were still displeased.

Despite his apology the next day and his attempt to make future plans, you seemed disinterested and cold, implying that the decision to continue was up to him. Your behavior could be interpreted as unappreciative, manipulative, sending mixed signals and exhibiting a sense of entitlement when things didn't go as planned.

Despite your dissatisfaction, you continued to engage with him, giving the impression that everything was fine during your visits. It's clear that you weren't fully invested in the dynamics and should have ended things sooner if you didn't enjoy his company.

In a nutshell, you called him out on his absolutely shoddy conduct, so he's ignoring you.

That tells you everything you need to know.

Also...it hadn't even been a month..

Op behavior sounds gameish and their conduct is shoddy, not his.

Burntouted. I didn’t claim to have a good day the previous week, I genuinely did have a lovely day. However, I was giving some context that there had not been
any planning on his part the weekend prior. I know when I really want to do something, I'm ahead of the game as to the logisitics and would have checked trains.

I didn’t send mixed signals, at no
point on the latest date did I say or imply that I was having a great time. I don’t think
making an effort to plan a day for someone coming down to visit is ‘manipulative’ but you’re entitled to your opinion. I also don’t think putting an effort in only for someone to turn up late is deemed a ‘sense of entitlement’. He wasn’t ‘ill’ rather he was hungover, which is where my annoyance has spiralled from.

I’m all for different views, but your opinion comes across as rather brusque.

That’s the point, if there is no effort now, then when?!

There’s no game here. I just want to be treated with respect by someone. It would seem that your opinion of my thread is in the minority on here fortunately.

Thank you, this is also my issue here.