Date

[Emma84882]

Would appreciate some advice please. Met a guy around a month ago and we got on really well. We hit it off and we have been on five dates since. I really like this guy but can’t help feeling he is messing me around. For example, last weekend, he was due to come down and meet me (we live around an hour apart). He didn’t check the trains until the day and then it turned out they were striking (he can’t drive medically, not his fault). I felt pretty annoyed that he didn’t check until the day, but nonetheless went up and spent time with him and had a lovely day.

This weekend, trains were running and he says he will come down to me for the day. I’d planned a really nice day, cleaned the house, baked a cake etc and was really looking forward to showing him where I lived. He turned up 1.5 hours later than we had originally agreed on (he’d been at the rugby the night before and wasn’t feeling his best). Because of the time, we went to lunch at a pub that I’d booked a table at, had a quick wander and a coffee before it was time for him to get his train again. I probably sound like I’m making a big thing of this, but was so looking forward to seeing him and it felt like an anti-climax.

He texted today and apologised for not being on form and said he hoped to feel better next week (we talked about me going up his way for a pub dinner next weekend). He said that he hoped I’d enjoyed the day anyway. At this point, I was hot-headed in my reply and said that to be honest, I hadn’t really, that I had really looked forward to showing him around and that I felt disappointed that we hadn’t been able to do that. I also then added that I didn’t feel that he had really wanted to be there yesterday and that I would leave it up to him as to whether or not we see each other again as I don’t want us to waste each other’s time.

I have not heard from him since. I now have massive remorse as I really like the guy, but do feel he’s messing me around. So sorry for the long post, any advice very welcome. Appreciate that I may be being unreasonable here! Thank you.

No, not in the respect of planning unfortunately.

Bollocks.
He wasn't 'feeling unwell' he was hungover.
If he's not making an effort now, less than a month in, consider it bullet dodged.

Many people who are "hungover" don't feel well. How has there been no effort when they have seen each other multiple times, communicate seemingly often, he allegedly sucks at planning but has been open and responsive to op wanting to see him. . he has been consistently asking to see op, and seems to enjoy their company.. he apologized to op, He was still willing to see op, until he decided he didn't want to deal with them anymore. understandably. If he hadn't cut it off, op would still probably be seeing him.

It's only been less than a month. less than 4 weeks. What do expect, a proposal??

I bring up the fact that it hasn't been a month, for various reasons. But mainly the fact that op was willing to invite some stranger that they barely know to spend time at their home, and be shown where they reside. This is a privilege that should be earned in the distant future, not 5 hangouts later.

What's that saying... if someone shows you who they are, believe them...

Would appreciate some advice please. Met a guy around a month ago and we got on really well. We hit it off and we have been on five dates since. I really like this guy

So... you've seen him in total 5 times, or more and have just hung out in public 5 times? If you've had a good time those other times, why are you focused on these 2 times??

but can’t help feeling he is messing me around. For example, last weekend, he was due to come down and meet me (we live around an hour apart). He didn’t check the trains until the day and then it turned out they were striking (he can’t drive medically, not his fault). I felt pretty annoyed that he didn’t check until the day, but nonetheless went up and spent time with him and had a lovely day.

While it's disappointing that he didn't check the trains until the day of your planned meet-up, it's possible that he genuinely didn't anticipate the strike or was preoccupied with other things. If you were truly annoyed and in a terrible mood, perhaps you two could have rescheduled. If you had a lovely day despite all of this, why are you still holding a grudge or resentment of this?? Why can't you let it go??

This weekend, trains were running and he says he will come down to me for the day. I’d planned a really nice day, cleaned the house, baked a cake etc and was really looking forward to showing him where I lived.

You barely knew him, why were you wanting to show him where you lived... so soon??

He turned up 1.5 hours later than we had originally agreed on (he’d been at the rugby the night before and wasn’t feeling his best).

Why wait 1.5 hours for him??? If you were pissed off in a foul mood, why agree to see him still??? If you knew prior that he wasn't feeling well (yes, hungover people can feel unwell), why didn't you reschedule?? Why didn't you just ring him and tell him that you no longer wanted to continue things, and block him when you saw that he was late??
There should have been an attitude adjustment if you were still willing to see him.

Because of the time, we went to lunch at a pub that I’d booked a table at, had a quick wander and a coffee before it was time for him to get his train again. I probably sound like I’m making a big thing of this, but was so looking forward to seeing him and it felt like an anti-climax.

If you knew things were going to be this way due to lateness and him being hungover, why agree to still see him then? You knew that you were already in a terrible mood.. If you agreed to see him still, why not focus on trying to make the best of things? It may have been possible to have a great time still. Was this his first time being late for anything?

He texted today and apologised for not being on form and said he hoped to feel better next week (we talked about me going up his way for a pub dinner next weekend).

Why continue making plans with him, and communicating?? You weren't feeling things anymore...

He said that he hoped I’d enjoyed the day anyway. At this point, I was hot-headed in my reply and said that to be honest, I hadn’t really, that I had really looked forward to showing him around and that I felt disappointed that we hadn’t been able to do that.

Not understanding why you were angered by not being able to show a stranger your place of residence, and perhaps around your area. Not understanding why you didn't let him know these feelings that same day. Like when you got home.. . Personally, you shouldn't have still showed up, or have broken things off completely when you arrived home.. or perhaps after the pub visit.. as you were two were saying goodbye.. you could have told him you two aren't compatible and wished him well in life.

I also then added that I didn’t feel that he had really wanted to be there yesterday

If he didn't want to be there, he wouldn't have come. Hungover and all.

and that I would leave it up to him as to whether or not we see each other again as I don’t want us to waste each other’s time.

Why were you not honest with him? You already felt like he was wasting your time and wasn't putting forth the effort you wanted.. You were over it already, and didn't speak up.. this is game type behavior.

I have not heard from him since. I now have massive remorse as I really like the guy, but do feel he’s messing me around.

How was he messing you around, were there other instances?? You don't feel as though you were stringing him on??

So sorry for the long post, any advice very welcome. Appreciate that I may be being unreasonable here! Thank you.

I'd feel the same OP.

If I was one bit arsed about the outcome of a date there's not a chance I'd go out the night before and get drunk, knowing I'd likely be hung over and potentially let them down. I'd say that's a normal and considerate way to think.

I will say that I think your response was a tiny bit harsh, given that he did come and meet you anyway.. but we've all sent those types of texts out of emotion so you shouldn't beat yourself up.

I also don't think you've lost much if you don't hear from him again. This should be the honeymoon period - he's already flakey and letting you down. He doesn't drive and sounds terrible at planning his own journeys by train, so you'd always be the one putting in most of the legwork. If this is him on his best behaviour and he's already pissing you off, what would it be like when he's dropped his guard in a year or so?

Also if it were me and he did text again, I'd want some kind of acknowledgement of the letdown by him. Just brushing over it shows his hand as a person who doesn't like to take accountability for being a bit of a knob sometimes - which everyone is and it's fine to admit.

If you get no text m or it's a casual one, tbh you've lost nothing!

How has he been disrespectful?? If you felt like you weren't treated with respect, why were you continuously seeking him out, communicating, and making plans??

You were put off by him, still angered, and the next day you were still discussing future plans with him..

Also, I don't care that my opinion is the minority. My opinions are usually based on taking both possible sides into consideration..

@Burntouted he was an hour and a half late to meet her. He had a hangover which is self inflicted. He didn't have to get completely shit faced the night before meeting her but he chose to.
He also didn't check train times properly on one of the dates so OP had to go see him instead. It's shitty, flaky behaviour and it hasn't even been a month. She is totally right to be irritated by his utter thoughtlessness. There would just be more of the same rubbish from him. Once they start this way, they don't suddenly become attentive and considerate. It just gets worse.

Nah, men who miss dates or are late for dates are not that interested. I wouldn’t have gone to him when he failed to come to you. Too much interest on your part.

@Burntouted seems like you're reading a completely different thread from the rest of us, or your bar is extremely low.

Have you considered that maybe the OP is just a person that dates with intention and makes effort, so is really disappointed and saddened by this man not returning the same?

The train debacle - he poorly planned and she ended up making all the effort to travel.

She liked him, so decided to give him the benefit of the doubt in between.

The shitty half date because he was hungover - he, again, poorly planned his schedule by getting pissed the night before. She probably wouldn't go out and get drunk before a date with him, because she wouldn't want to risk letting him down. Him doing this suggests he doesn't value their time together over 5 more pints.

She'd cleaned the house, baked a cake, planned a day, possibly gotten ready - at that stage I reckon I'd still meet him too, because some people (me included) like to follow through with their plans and feel really pissed off if we make effort for nothing.

All these behaviours stacked on top of one another appear as though she's the only one who is arsed, and she's disappointed because she liked him.

Good on you for calling him out "early doors"

I couldn't date someone who drinks so much they are too hungover to function the next day when they had already agreed to a date. Not past the age of 25 ffs.

I am going to go against the majority and agree with this. You sound quite high maintenance OP and he’s probably thinking he’s had a lucky escape.

From the examples you have given I can see why you might be disappointed but I can’t see why you would be so annoyed that you would send such a blunt message to him. These are just something you would usually shrug off aren’t they?

Burntouted, of course I’m not expecting a proposal, just a basic level of respect. Not that I should have to justify myself, but I wanted to bring him back to meet some of my pets (as he is also an animal lover) and because I had made cake, so thought it would be nice to relax with some tea and cake. There is absolutely no fixed timescale on when someone can or can’t do this.

Because I was disappointed. I liked the guy and hoped that my efforts would be reciprocated by him

This is your problem. You’re making too much effort. It doesn’t work on men you’re dating. Save the effort for marriage. That’s enough effort for three lifetimes 🤣
Seriously though, let them do the legwork early on, they need to plan the dates and come to you. Dh lived an hour from me. He always came to me and never missed a weekend. It’s not attractive to be too keen and too available.

I actually agree with this.

He hasn't behaved impeccably, no. He knew he had plans to see you and so, tbf, shouldn't have drunk so much he had a hangover but rather than cancel or reschedule, you continued with the plans knowing it wasn't going to be great and we're already pissed off.

Even after the worst has passed, no one feels great the day of a hangover!

The train strike, well I don't often get the train and so I wouldn't automatically anticipate a strike and so probably wouldn't realise until the day. And besides, if train is the only way he could get to you, it wouldn't matter if he'd discovered it the night before. The outcome would have been the same.

I suspect that the problem here lies somewhere between, he's not always on top of things in terms of planning and you have allowed feeling excited about seeing him and showing him where you lived, your clean house and your cake to raise your expectations/not respond in a way that actually meets your needs which can lead to disappointment.

Fwiw, I'd have cancelled the hungover date knowing he was going to be late and hungover and done something else instead. Whether I left it there or rescheduled I can't say because it's not my situation but I wouldn't have continued with that particular date. The result would have been that I'd have had a better day and he would have got the message that I wasn't going to put up with being messed about.

The train debacle - he poorly planned and she ended up making all the effort to travel.

That was her choice though. She could have just said, "Oh what a shame. Nevermind. Next time!"

She didn't have to go.

And yes, she wanted to see him but it was still her choice to do that.

Honestly I think you’re investing far too much too soon. If someone is seen a handful of times baked a cake and wanted to show me their pets, I’d think they were far too intense for the early dating stage.

You're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment if this is your expectation of dating in the early stages.

Throw this one back, you’re totally mismatched in terms of effort and expectations.

Personally I don't think it's asking too much for a man to turn up to a date on time, fully sober and not hungover and invested in the occasion.

Could he have planned better with the trains? Absolutely. It's not hard to look online. There are multiple apps.

Some people need to raise the bar they're holding down with their own foot.

Think you’ve hit the nail on the head around the planning. If I had known he was hungover, I would have suggested rescheduling, but I didn’t know until he turned up. Take your points though, thank you!

Thank you. I think you’re spot on probably here!

@Emma84882 I multidated so I never overinvested in one man. Had 2-3 on the go (I kissed some but no sex). So if one disappointed me, I would cut him off without spending 10 seconds being upset as I had the other 2. Worked out very well - I've been now with my partner for 2 years and he said that for the first few months he was even wondering if I was interested. I now suggest the strategy to all my female friends who are online dating.