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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband's attitude since diagnosis

102 replies

Lidlisthebusiness · 12/02/2024 18:38

So a couple of weeks ago, I was admitted to hospital and diagnosed Type 1 diabetic. It's been a huge shock, and every day there is more and more information that I need to learn about and understand. It's overwhelming! I had to tell him via text what was going on, and I got some strange replies from him. It all went wrong when I mentioned something on a phone call and he's actually blaming me for having diabetes. He says I could've eaten better and done more fitness over the years and then this may not have happened. Despite me countering this with the fact there are high level athletes who are in tip top condition with type 1, and it's something you're born with, he's saying it's my fault and I've impacted him and our children horribly by having it. As if I chose this. He started shouting at me over the video call, shaking the phone in anger and ended up hanging up on me. We haven't spoken all day, and I really don't know where to go from here. I'm so disappointed and sad that this is his reaction. What about in sickness and in health? What if it was a different illness, a cancer I couldn't have prevented? I don't know what to do, and really don't need this on top of the diagnoses. I was hoping his initial reaction was caused by concern for me, or the worry that he isn't home, but it seems he's just angry with me for not going to the gym and eating better to prevent and unpreventable illness.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 13/02/2024 08:51

Apparently when women get a cancer diagnosis, they are warned by the medics that their husband or partner will leave them - it happens so often, they give people the heads up. So I read, anyway.

Sounds like he can't cope. Don't make allowances, let him go. Save all your energy for taking care of yourself.

itstooearlytobeawake · 13/02/2024 08:51

Get a dexcom asap

Toooldforthis36 · 13/02/2024 09:01

He said it means we won't be able to go out for meals, I won't be able to drive etc.

This is utter nonsense, have you told him that. What a prick.

Wildhorses2244 · 13/02/2024 09:03

With some time and some work, some articles and some support from professionals, some carefully chosen YouTube videos, some listening and empathy from you im sure that you can get him to listen and calm down.

BUT think very carefully before you do that. This has happened when you’re working age, when you’ve got kids at home, with diabetes which you can live with easily, when you’re at a stage where you could easily leave and start again and build a nice life for yourself.

What if you were 75 and got cancer and needed him to be your carer? He’s showing you now how he would react.

NeverAHarvester · 13/02/2024 09:07

What's that statistic about how many men leave their wives after the wives are diagnosed with cancer? It's ridiculously high.

I do hope you're not going to try to placate him, OP. Leave him to stew in his own rancid juices. Until you get a massive apology for his outburst, a whole load of sympathy and a demonstration he's done some research into T1 and how he's going to support you rather than continue to be a useless utter dickhead, I'm not sure what future your marriage has.

Pigeonqueen · 13/02/2024 09:09

He is a complete idiot. If you have one autoimmune issue - which you did already, coeliacs, you’re more likely to develop more. I have lupus, Addisons, sjogrens, pituitary issues, hypothyroidism etc etc - all of which I’ve developed over the last 15 years since being married. If your dh is so unsupportive you’re better off just leaving him.

Newyearoldhair · 13/02/2024 09:11

Fuck me, Im a HCP and in the 30 odd years Ive been in this role this is one fact that never changes. A LOT of men leave when a female partner is diagnosed with a terminal, life limiting or life altering condition.

Im so sorry that ypu have had to deal with this reaction @Lidlisthebusiness.

1stTimeMummy2021 · 13/02/2024 09:46

@Lidlisthebusiness My SIL has type 1 diabetes, she drives, works, has children, goes out to eat all the time and lives a very full life. Your husband is terribly misinformed. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this illness alongside his ignorance.

SoreAndTired1 · 13/02/2024 09:55

"When I say he works away, he is not in this country and is away for weeks at a time."

Hmmmm 'works away' is always a bad thing. Especially when you have a family, it is selfish and unforgiveable. You don't really have a proper marriage/family anyway. He is horrible and abusive and 'works away' and leaves you basically a single mum. LTB. He's useless as a husband and father anyway.

Grinchesmistress · 13/02/2024 09:59

My partner has just recently been diagnosed with type 1.5 which can be caused by a mixture of diet and an autoimmune issue. I was very concerned about him but would never be angry or blaming him for it. I’ve completely changed our diet, we’ve cut out sugar and control our carbs. He’s back to being his active and happy self now he’s got his insulin and his body isn’t under constant stress all the time because of the ketones and his blood sugar being sky high. I hope that you’re dealing well now that you have your diagnosis op as I know the symptoms can be debilitating but your husband’s reaction is completely unacceptable and you deserve someone who will support you, whether it was a health issue you caused or not.

Paperwhiteflowers · 13/02/2024 10:05

I found the anxiety subsided very quickly, within two weeks. I don’t get anything in the way of side effects.

Zanatdy · 13/02/2024 10:06

Wow, even my ex would have some compassion. Why would you stay with someone who cares so little about you?

Lidlisthebusiness · 13/02/2024 10:55

PointyMcguire · 12/02/2024 20:59

@Lidlisthebusiness so sorry you’re dealing with such a shock diagnosis, and without the support of your husband. My DH was diagnosed T1 last year, so I know only too well what an absolute rollercoaster you’re currently on.

Hopefully your husband will come round once he realises how wrong he is. In the meantime on a practical level, try and see if you can be referred for a DAFNE course which will help you get a handle on balancing keeping yourself in range with real life. The other thing that has been amazing for us is DH joining a clinical trial. Often they want people who are in the very early stages of diagnosis, which I get can be overwhelming, but it’s given DH access to the best tech, and a whole host of experts in T1 at the end of the phone at all times which has been invaluable in helping us navigate this.

Thank you for the practical advice, I'd read about the DAFNE course on another forum, so will have a look in to that.

OP posts:
BlueSkyBlueLife · 13/02/2024 11:11

It’s all about him isn’t it? And how it’s affecting him (or possibly will)

Which would make me wonder if it isn’t the case usually anyway 😢😢

im sorry he is been a twat.
But I’d keep in mind that many men leave their partner when they are diagnosed with illnesses (incl cancer etc etc).
id hope he’ll calm down and realises he has been out of line. But I’d struggle to forget (and forgive)

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/02/2024 11:29

Well, he does not know anything about diabetes if he is mixing up the types, does he? And even if you have something you caused yourself, a loving partner is supportive and helpful. So, either he is not good at coping with stress and lashing out, or he has always been a bit of a knob and this has made that clear. I am so sorry, this is not what you need.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/02/2024 11:32

Newyearoldhair · 13/02/2024 09:11

Fuck me, Im a HCP and in the 30 odd years Ive been in this role this is one fact that never changes. A LOT of men leave when a female partner is diagnosed with a terminal, life limiting or life altering condition.

Im so sorry that ypu have had to deal with this reaction @Lidlisthebusiness.

That is really interesting (and depressing) @Newyearoldhair . Do you see women who leave?

beguilingeyes · 13/02/2024 11:33

Does he know that Steve Redgrave is type one? He's quite fit IIRC.

xyz111 · 13/02/2024 11:54

I'm sorry he's being such a dick. He's obviously very uneducated with diabetes. So many people have it and lead normal lives. It's much easier now with all the technology out there than in the past. I wouldn't be contacting him until he apologises!!!

Newyearoldhair · 13/02/2024 11:56

@Atethehalloweenchocs off the top of my head I can only think of 1.

NeverAHarvester · 13/02/2024 12:04

Newyearoldhair · 13/02/2024 09:11

Fuck me, Im a HCP and in the 30 odd years Ive been in this role this is one fact that never changes. A LOT of men leave when a female partner is diagnosed with a terminal, life limiting or life altering condition.

Im so sorry that ypu have had to deal with this reaction @Lidlisthebusiness.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

Choconuttolata · 13/02/2024 12:23

That is awful and abusive, so sorry OP, what a shock.

Send him this:

https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/diabetes/type-1-diabetes#causes-of-type-1-diabetes

Type 1 diabetes is autoimmune, coeliac disease is also autoimmune, I work with someone who was just one day diagnosed in their 60's, I have met babies and young children with it. It is nothing you have done.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4219937/#:~:text=Abstract.,the%20clinical%20onset%20of%20disease.

In the meantime whilst he is away get your paperwork, passports and financial ducks in a row. If he doesn't contact you back being profusely apologetic then go to a solicitor for advice and leave him. If he cannot be supportive at a time like this he isn't someone you want in your life.

Type 1 Diabetes and Autoimmunity

Type 1 diabetes (T1D) is an organ-specific autoimmune disease caused by the autoimmune response against pancreatic β cells. T1D is often complicated with other autoimmune diseases, and anti-islet autoantibodies precede the clinical onset of disease. .....

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4219937#:~:text=Abstract.,the%20clinical%20onset%20of%20disease.

MarilynBoo · 13/02/2024 12:26

You say he's into fitness, health and wellbeing. Do you think he perceives illnesses and medical conditions as a sign of personal failure? Because it sounds like he sees you as 'failing' him and yourself for being diagnosed with diabetes T1. His response is horrible.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/02/2024 12:34

Newyearoldhair · 13/02/2024 11:56

@Atethehalloweenchocs off the top of my head I can only think of 1.

That is depressing.

@NeverAHarvester - thanks for the links. I am a little heartened by the science article that says, even though the number of men leaving is significant, 80% did not (although I suppose the time frame might rule out people who leave later).

This made my blood boil though because it is the ultimate weaponized incompetence.

Why men leave a sick spouse can be partly explained by their lack of ability, compared to women, to make more rapid commitments to being caregivers to a sick partner and women's better ability to assume the burdens of maintaining a home and family, the study authors said.

LadyDanburysHat · 13/02/2024 12:37

Apart from the fact that he is showing zero concern for your health, is utterly wrong and confusing it with type 2. I still think he is an awful human being, because even if it was type 2 that is an appalling reaction.

If he doesn't come back with a massive apology and excuse for his over reaction I would not want to be in a relationship with him.

HippyCritical · 13/02/2024 12:44

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis @Lidlisthebusiness and hope you are getting used to living your new life Flowers

My thinking from reading your posts is that he saw this as a good excuse to have a go at you, he wanted something to rage at you about. What's going on in his life that is more important than his wife having a major life change? Him saying you won't be able to go out for meals or drive, what a strange conclusion to come to ... Hopefully I'm way off with that and it's just the shock on his part but it's sadly a kind of behaviour I've seen before.

Is it normal for him to blame you for things? Or is it just this? What was he like with you in general, before your diagnosis? How was he with your coeliac disease?